Totally Random Resolution

monstrous-dreamWell, not totally random.  Actually, not really random at all.  I have been backsliding on my sleep, and it’s really affecting me.  It’s my old way of not having to deal with the world.  I mean, who the hell can function on such a crazy sleep schedule?  Not me, that’s for sure.

Except, nobody is forcing me to adhere to my old sleep schedule of going to bed at six in the morning and getting up in the afternoon.  No one but me and my fear.  So.  I have made a resolution to be in bed by one am, Central mumble mumble time (I never know if it’s Daylight or Standard) Time, no matter what.  I tried it last night, and I made it a few minutes after one.  I stared at the inside of my mask for an hour before finally falling asleep.  I woke up at five-thirty, and then at five-forty-five, and I laid awake for another hour.  Then, I fell back asleep and slept fitfully until my alarm woke me at nine.

Was I refreshed and rested?  Hell, no.  I was fucking tired when I got up–worse than when I only get four or five hours of sleep a night.  However, I know it’s just my body adjusting, so I need to stick it out for at least a couple of weeks.

I know I do better when I’m held accountable, so I posted my resolution on my FB notes section and tagged the people most likely to be up at that time.  Some of them are nightowls like me, but most of them are on the west coast or in Europe.  I told them that if they see me on FB after one am, they are to severely chastise me and tell me to get my ass to bed.  Hell, my taiji teacher said she would come over and kick my ass if I’m still on FB after one.  Believe me, she is one person I do not want to fight.  I have no illusions that I could hold my own against her.

So last night, the fun started around twenty to one.  Brit, my British friend in Sweden ordered me to go to bed.  Iratwo reminded her that I still had eighteen minutes.  Brit said I needed to get ready to go to bed, and the conversation devolved from there.  When I got up this morning, I saw that many of my friends had commented as well, and it was pretty dang funny to see them talking about rustling me off to bed.

It’s strange.  I am used to keeping my shit to myself.  I mean, I am pretty outspoken about my opinions (no shit!), but I don’t ask people for help on my personal issues.  I don’t want to appear weak and needy, and I certainly don’t want to be rebuffed.  I learned at a fairly young age that to ask for something is dangerous.  I also learned that those whom you love and trust aren’t necessarily going to do the right thing by you.  I mean, we all learn this at some point, but I learned it rather young.

However, if I want to change my life (and I do), I need to be rested.   Today, I was fuzzing in and out while driving to work.  Now, I used to drive in a trance all the time when I was in my early twenties (I passed a whole semester that way, and got all “A”s and “A-“s in those classes), and I was always amazed that I never got into an accident.  I don’t think I would be able to do that now, however, so I really need to be awake when I drive.

The problem is, I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t exhausted to the bone.  Spiritually, emotionally, physically drained.  I don’t know what it’s like to wake up eager and ready to face the day.   I can’t remember a time when I woke up thinking, “Damn, that was some good sleep I just got.”

I have tried to go by my internal clock, but the damn thing is busted.  I would like a job that starts late morning/early afternoon, but until I get that job, I need to readjust my schedule to real people hours.  That means I need to artificially impose a bedtime curfew until it becomes second nature.  I actually wrote a whole blog entry in my head as I didn’t fall asleep last night.  I started it, but I can’t write it quite yet.

In addition to enforcing a regular bedtime, I am going to ask my doctor about doing the sleep study at home.  It’s time for me to get the damn mask if it will help me sleep.  I am done dicking around with this sleep thing.  Morpheus is gonna have to answer to me, whether he likes it or not.  I cannot continue to function this way, so yes, I am doing something for my own good.

I will let you know how it goes.

3 Responses to Totally Random Resolution

  1. I’ve be en doing the same for a few weeks now. I don’t know if it is medication adjustments or just the way my life is right now, but it is driving me up the wall. I hate opening my eyes at 1 or 2 am and not being able to go back to sleep.

  2. whabs, it’s especially frustrating when I am trying to do the right thing. This is part of the reason I hate sleeping. It just fucking sucks.

    halle, hi! Welcome to my blog. Glad to see you. Actually, my mask is a Bucky mask, but thanks for the suggestion.