Color Me Green

tabby 2I want to be Sarah Palin for a day.  No, wait.  Stick with me on this, ok?  I promise you that I have a point here.  Sort of.  No, no, I really do.

Ready?  This is it.

When McCain plucked Palin out of relative obscurity, she was raw and unformed.  Sure, she was governor of Alaska, but she was only two years into her term at that point.  Before that, she was mayor of Wasilla.  Before that, she was on the PTA.  That’s the sum of her political experience.  Still, she gave Rich Lowry starbursts and damn near made Bill Kristol jizz in his pants.  The way she winked and ‘you betcha’ her way up to the top, well Susan B. Anthony herself would have been proud.  Amirite?

Of course not.  However, Palin was being touted as a feminist (just like Hillary, doncha know) who made us humorless, ugly, sexless librul wimmin mad coz, she’s like all hot ‘n shit.  Why, we envied her mad procreatin’ skillz and the way she and the First Dud were all into each other.

At least, that’s what we were told by the conservatives like Dennis Miller.  Let’s face it.  If anyone has a finger on the pulse of what liberal women think, it’s Dennis fucking Miller.

Anyway, yes, Palin is the most incompetent person to run for higher office in quite some time.  I would say she’s even more incompetent than W., and that’s saying quite a bit.  She’s venal, vindictive, vituperous, vapid, vacuous, and a whole lotta other v words, including vain and vainglorious.

Why, then, do I wish I were her for a day?  Because of her unfound wells of self-confidence.  Some would say narcissism and arrogance (including me), but you can never accuse Sarah Palin of finding herself lacking.  She doesn’t have an ounce of humility in her body–at least none that isn’t buried several layers deep.  She is confident that whatever she’s done is fine and dandy.

In that way, she has much in common with two other disgraced Republican pols–Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina and Representative John Ensign of Nevada.  Both of them belong to a super-secret society of power-driven Christians called the C-Street Sect.  Ok, it’s not a sect, technically, but it might as well be.  It’s run by ‘The Family’, and it’s based on power.  None of that humble before God shit for these guys.  And, yes, it’s all guys.  Of course it is.  Anyway, they believe that they are the chosen ones who can do whatever the fuck they want because they are the chosen ones.  See how that bit of circular logic works so well for them?  They can, say, cheat on their wives, disappear from their job for days, and/or pay off their mistresses, and it’s all ok because God has said so.  I watched a video of the head of ‘The Family’ giving a sermon, and it’s chilling.  He talks about hating one’s family as the basis for serving Jesus.  He speaks approvingly of Hitler and Mao’s Red Army.  Well, of Mao’s dictatorial fist, at any rate.

To me, he sounds like a fucking sociopath, but what do I know?  If all this bullshit is true, though, then it makes sense how Sanford and Ensign could cheat on their respective wives and still believe they can be men of power.  Hell, it’s practically mandated of them.  I’m surprised one of them hasn’t murdered someone (like King David did) for all their talk about preordained absolution.

Palin has that same sense of arrogant entitlement that might also stem from a belief that she is a chosen one.   Ethics violations?  What ethics violations?  Why shouldn’t she be raking in a per diem while working from her own home?  She’s a grifter at heart, and she uses her religion to justify doing whatever it is she does.  I’ve always found it amusing how when public figures talk about what God wants them to do, it usually coincides with what they themselves want to do.

So, it’s infuriating that Sanford and Ensign just have to say their hollow mea culpas, say that they’re struggling to make themselves right with God, and the sheeple eat it all up.  Ok, granted, the latest news about Ensign makes it more likely that he will have to resign, but I’m not betting on it.

As for Palin, she’ll be back.  She has said that she’s not leaving politics, and she won’t.  I am not as sanguine as some on the left that she will not be a national player any longer.  People often mistake self-confidence and arrogance for actual competence.

So.  Back to my original statement about wanting to be Palin for a day.  I have the opposite problem than Palin, Sanford, and Ensign.  Instead of thinking I can do no wrong, I think I cannot do anything right.  When I was (nominally) a Christian, I thought God hated me.  In fact, I was convinced of it.  Therefore, anything I did was wrong because I couldn’t do anything right in the eyes of Him.

In addition, I feel guilty for pretty much everything.  That’s why, when I manage not to feel guilty about something, I get mad when someone tells me I should feel guilty about it.  Case in point, the lead up to the Iraq invasion.  In hindsight, the reasons for invading were utter bullshit.  We are finding out that, indeed, the reasons for invading were completely made up by W. and Cheney.    While that seems perfectly clear now, there was a time, not so long ago, that you would be called unpatriotic and accused of hating America if you pointed out that W. and Cheney were lying liars telling all those goddamn lies.

Now, many people, even on the left, want to say, “We are all responsible for what happened because we elected W. and Cheney and because we believed the lies at the time.  We get the government we deserve.”  To which I say a resounding, “Aw fucking hell, no!  That’s fucking bullshit!”  You see, some of us knew from the start that there were no WMDs in Iraq.  Some of us knew that W. was just gung ho to invade Iraq for a variety of reasons, including one-upping his dad and/or finishing what Poppy could not.  Oh, and oil.  Never forget the oil and the contracts for Dickie’s Halliburton buddies.

I digress yet again.

So, I refuse to feel guilt about that.  But then, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty.  It’s fucking ridiculous, and it’s very tiring.  It all goes back to the idea that I am intruding, that I am a waste of space, that I should just sit down and shut the fuck up, that I should hole up in my basement and hide myself from the world.  I don’t feel that as much lately or as intensely, but it’s definitely there.  In addition, I think about everything I say and write, and I beat myself up for perceived mistakes.  Someone calls me out on, say, BJ, and I obsess about it for days.  Ok, not obsess because I don’t think about it constantly, but I keep coming back to it.

It’s one reason I’m curbing my commenting at BJ.  I have become self-conscious about what I post, and once that happens, it’s very difficult for me to break free from it.  I start second and third-guessing myself, and then I usually water down the comment or not comment at all.  Come to think of it, it’s what happens in groups most of the time, regardless of affiliation.  I am way too fucking sensitive to criticism, which is not a good thing to be if I want to splash in the cesspool that is politics.

So.  When I see someone like Palin (or W., for that matter), someone who has an unearned sense of self-inflation, I can’t help but feel a little jealous*.  God, if I could only have a tenth of the self-confidence that she has.   Who knows what the hell I could accomplish?

*Just a little, though, because I wouldn’t want to be bat-shit crazy in exchange for having more confidence.

4 Responses to Color Me Green

  1. That’s what happened to me at the flats.
    I was thinking, as I was reading, if she runs for anything, even dogcatcher, I will dress like her again only this time instead of doing it in drag, I’ll go as Sarah Winehouse and combine she and Amy. I AM sure SHE has room on her path for that.
    There is one other way to handle this: Just don’t give a shit what people think about you. None of them are your creator.
    That’s one of the things I immediately loved about you, you APPEAR to really not just give a flying fuck (f-Count!) what people think of your opinion and you stand behind it with such conviction.
    That’s hot and sexy no matter what your orientation!

  2. whabs, I hear you. I see this person on other blogs, and I feel a moment of, “Watch what I say.” I will be adding a bit about it today. Maybe.

    Believe it or not, I actually do censor what I write. Yeah, go ahead and try to imagine the stuff I’m not saying! However, writing is my medium, and I am committed to being as truthful as I can. Someone has to be a pain in the ass, and it might as well be me.

  3. God, if I could only have a tenth of the self-confidence that she has. Who knows what the hell I could accomplish?

    The same as you can now: Anything at all.

    Palin’s a laughingstock not because of her self confidence but because her confidence goes way beyond her abilities — not unlike those idiots MTV kept showing on “Jackass.” I agree completely with SillyWhabbit. Be who you want to be to please yourself. Many people will love and admire the person you are. And some won’t — and admittedly in some cases that might matter, but you shouldn’t censor yourself too much for the sake of those who will never accept you anyway.

    If only the battered wives that are the Congressional Democrats would understand as much. (And I hope no one takes that as a sign of disrespect to actual victims of abuse — unlike real victims, the Democrats’ cowardice is entirely the result of their own moral failings.)

  4. Gregory, my head understands what you’re saying, but my heart vehemently disagrees. I don’t want the over-confidence that Palin has, but a tenth of it. I am constantly second-guessing myself, even when I don’t need to do so. It’s very tiring.

    I agree that the Democrats need a good, stiff version of get a spine, assholes. You won. Act like it!