Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (The Adult Review)

I saw the newest Harry Potter movie tonight.  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince It’s been ages since I read the book, which is a good thing because otherwise, I would be obsessed with everything that’s been cut.  As I have stated before, though, the books (as well as the movies) are instantly forgettable once consumed, so it’s all good.

At some point, probably when I buy the DVD (and you know I will), I will do an actual review of the movie in which I will discuss plot, acting, how the kids have grown, etc.  This will not be that review.  Instead, this will be the adult review in which you get to see how I watch a Harry Potter movie.  Sit back and enjoy.

First of all, Natasha (my movie-seeing friend) and I went to the Heights Theater, which has the best viewing experience, bar none.  It’s next door to a Dairy Queen and owned by the same person, so you can bring your DQ treat (Girl Scout Tagalongs blizzard with chocolate ice cream, bitches!) into the movie with you.  I bought a giant diet pop at the movie theater (I really am mainlining the caffeine these days in order to stay awake), and I was set.

First thing you notice is that the theater looks like an old-timey stage theater.  It has a red velvet curtain, and there is an organ player (a live one) on the weekends.  I love that touch.  Natasha informs me that I can not moan or groan or I will have to move to the end of the aisle.  I ask if I can sigh.  She says yes.  I ask if I can sigh deeply.  She says yes.  I say I will try to time it in sync with the action.  There is one trailer, in this case for Guy Ritchie’s (insert annoyed eye-roll here) Sherlock Holmes, starring Robert Fucking Downey Jr., who looks unnervingly like Al Pacino in the trailer.  Jude Law is Watson, and I asked Natasha why they even bother calling the movie Sherlock Holmes?  It looks like it’s trying to be an edgy, updated version, but it loses all that makes Holmes Holmes in the process.   No fucking point.

Then, there is the used-to-be-amusing-but-now-is-annoying warning about phones, trash, talking in the theater, etc.   I miss the days of John Waters smugly smoking a cigarette and saying, “I’m smoking a cigarette.  Don’t you wish you could?”  or something similarly amusing.

Then, the movie starts.  Yes, one trailer and the warning, and it’s off to the races.  No fucking commercials.  No half dozen lame-assed trailers.  Just one and done.  By the way, one of the reasons I pay a gazillion dollars to see a movie in the theater is so that I don’t have to sit through fucking commercials. And, get off my lawn.  Also.

Now, I was a bit wary.  The last movie should have been chockful of Snape because the story really was about him and the traumas he suffered at the hands of Harry’s father.  Oh, standard warning.  If you haven’t read the books or seen the movies and want to see them unsullied, don’t read this.  I can’t be bothered to put spoiler tags on the post.

Anyway, the last movie should have had a lot of screentime for Snape, Lupin, and Lucius Malfoy.  Instead, we barely see the first two, and we only get to see the last because he has an integral fight scene against Harry, natch, at the end of the movie.

I am going to say something heretical.  I don’t give a flying fuck about the books or the movies, per se.  The books are amiable enough, but they are not something I would ordinarily read.  Were it not for the fact that I became totally and hopelessly hooked on Alan Rickman (while watching a Potter movie!), I wouldn’t have read one of the Potter books, let alone all seven.  So, when I go to see the movies, I am really going because they are porn for me.  In other words, I want to see more of the adults and much less of the kids.  Which kinda defeats the fucking point of the whole series.  I know this, and yet, I can’t help be disappointed time and time again when I get so little of Snape.

When I first see Snape (Alan Rickman, of course), I let out a little sigh that is dangerously close to a moan.  He has the most gorgeous, lush, sensuous voice with such perfect diction.  He is dressed in all black and wears a great, sweeping cape.  In addition, there is Bellatrix Lestrange (Helena Bonham Carter) looking deliciously sexy as she spews her crazy vitriol all over the scene.  I usually see her in period pieces or Tim Burton movies, so it’s a treat to see her really unpack the crazy.  Yes, I know she played a crazy woman in Sweeney Todd, but I am trying to forget that movie because it was such a crashing disappointment to me.

I am on the edge of my seat, awaiting every Snape entrance.  He can say so much with one glance and one movement.  Natasha said he really carried the movie, and she is so right.  I find my attention lagging whenever he isn’t on screen, except for the few (too few) scenes in which Lupin (David Thewlis) appears.  Yum.  Yum yum yum.  Yum.  Mmmmm….I had forgotten that Lucius Malfoy (Jason Isaacs) isn’t in this movie (he’s in jail.  There’s a brief picture of him in the paper in the beginning of the movie, but that’s it), but I forgive that since there is twice the Snape.

I can’t keep my eyes off Snape.  I don’t care what the fuck he is doing or saying as long as he is on the damn screen.  I find myself thinking about what it would be like to fuck him right then and there.  I am not into costumes much, but I would gladly dress up like Bellatrix if I could find someone who looks like Alan Rickman (and sounds like him) to be my Snape.  I love his hands, and I imagine them caressing my body.  He has the most intense gaze, and he uses it to great effect.

By the way, if Dame Helen Mirren could be in the last two Potter movies, I would be eternally grateful.

I find it very distracting that my pussy is pulsing every time Snape appears.  It’s a good thing that I don’t have to concentrate on the plot of the movie because there is no way in hell I could do so.  Oh, there is one really cool CGI effect where Dumbledore (Sir Michael Gambon, alas, not the most excellent Sir Richard Harris, may he rest in peace) turns the waves into flames.  I find myself getting even more aroused because I love fire.

Side note:  The funniest part of the movie is when Harry bends down to scoop some water out of the pond/lake/river thingie, and a bony hand suddenly reaches up and clasps Harry around the wrist.  Oh, Harry is played by Daniel Radcliffe.  Anyway, a few women in the audience shriek when Harry is grabbed, which makes me laugh out loud.

Anyway, when Snape strikes down Harry time and time again at the end of the movie, all I can think about is how much I want to play with his wand.  Yes, I find something incredibly erotic and sexy about the interplay of pleasure and pain, as I have written elsewhere in this blog.  I can’t help but fantasize about being in Harry’s place and what would happen if I was the one under Snape’s wand.

All in all, this is the best Potter movie yet.  Alan Rickman has not yet been secured for the final movie (the second half of Deathly Hollows), but I can’t imagine how in the hell the movie will be made without him.  If they replace Snape in the last movie, I will be so fucking mad.  Natasha said she won’t see it with me if there is a different Snape.  I told her not to worry.  If Alan Rickman isn’t Snape, then I’m not watching.  A grrl has to have some standards!

OK.  I just looked it up, and Alan Rickman is secured for the last movie, so I still have two Harry Potter porn films to enjoy.  Good to know.

15 Responses to Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (The Adult Review)

  1. A quick comment — of course the longer books have to have much condensed or omitted altogether to fit into a 250-minute movie, but my lovely wife and I both thought they shortchanged Harry’s obsession with the Half Blood Prince, and in particular, the book’s implication that it may have been Voldemort (who, after all, had a Muggle father). As a result, Snape’s revelation at the end that *he* is the Half Blood Prince doesn’t carry the weight it should. I loved the book’s irony that, since Harry doesn’t have *his own* animosity with Snape in the way, that Snape does in fact become one of his best teachers (contrast, for example, with Harry’s total failure to learn Occulemens from Snape, despite its importance to the Order). And if memory serves me right, the revelation that Snape was the Half Blood Prince was the dawning of Harry’s respect for him, which of course came full circle in the last book.

  2. Gregory, yeah. That’s one of my main gripes about the Potter movies. They sacrifice much needed plot development to focus on the adventures of the trio. It’s expected, but disappointing. Oh, and not enough Snape. I didn’t quite get your point here:

    I loved the book’s irony that, since Harry doesn’t have *his own* animosity with Snape in the way, that Snape does in fact become one of his best teachers (contrast, for example, with Harry’s total failure to learn Occulemens from Snape, despite its importance to the Order).

    Explain, please?

  3. It’s been a while since I’ve read the books, so please forgive me if I’m confused here. If memory serves me right, in Order of the Phoenix, Dumbledore decides that it’s vital Harry be able to shield his thoughts from Voldemort, so he has Snape — who, after all, is a master of the skill — try to teach Harry Occulemens (which I likely misspelled). But the animosity between Harry and Snape makes the project a near-total failure.

    On the other hand, Harry is *fascinated* by the Half Blood Prince, to the point that his friends worry about him, suspecting that the affinity, the hints of dark magic and the desire for mastery all point to the HBP being Voldemort. I thought one of the delicious ironies of Snape’s revelation was that it turns out that Harry had been *learning from Snape* all along, despite the fact that their mutual animosity prevented Harry from excelling in Potions class before then.

    Does that clear things up? If not, I’ll try again.

  4. Ah, I get it now. Harry is able to learn from Snape when he (Harry) doesn’t know it’s his personal enemy (Snape). Got it. I forgot about how intrigued Harry was about the HBP. Hm. Do we know Harry’s middle name? Damn. It’s James, after his dad. It would be funny if it were, say Bruce. Then HE would be HBP. Ok, maybe it’s only funny in my mind.

  5. Saw the movie tonight with my youngest daughter (15). She turned me on to the books in the first place, and I enjoyed each one more than the last.

    IMO the movie was very good, but sadly, too many of the important sequences in the book were left out to make room for the teen romance stuff. Thankfully in the last book there is very little romantic dialogue and this is good because even though it’s being spread out over two movies there’s a lot of historical stuff and loose ends to tie up.

    I’d be interesting to see the Harry Potter books filmed by Peter Jackson (LOTR).

  6. Fulcanelli, hey! Good to see you. Glad you dropped in.

    I actually liked the third book and movie the best. Well, I like this movie the best, but for different reasons. I still think she could have cut each book by a third, and the books would have been better for it.

    I am skeptical about what they are going to do with the last two movies because there is so much going on in the last book. I have a hunch that the first part will be lots of the history and horcrux finding while the second part will be lots of action. I really, really, really hope they leave out the epilogue, but I bet they won’t.

    I haven’t seen the LOTR trilogy. Not my thing, though many people have tried to get me to watch them.

    I hope you come back often.

  7. I just watched ‘Galaxy Quest’ last night. Alan is in this movie and the moment I saw him I thought of you. I can very much appreciate your love of his voice and diction. No matter the role, that voice carries it.

    You’ve probably seen every movie he appears in, but even so, I especially liked him in “Bottle Shock” as a bigwig wine snob, and (can’t recall the title) the movie where he plays the doctor who helped pioneer the open-heart bypass surgical procedure. He was particularly riveting in that one.

  8. Kate, Galaxy Quest is a riot. I have only seen the beginning of Bottle Shock because it’s not my kind of movie. Alan is wonderful in it, and I will see it at some point, but not right now. The other movie you mentioned is called Something the Lord Made. It was a very absorbing and touching movie, indeed. I haven’t seen every Alan Rickman movie because I hate reaching the end of something, so I have a few on reserve.

  9. So glad you got your Alan Rickman fix! I forgot that he was in Galaxy Quest, and yes, he AND that movie are really funny. Never thought I would say that about anything including Tim Allen. And I may never again.

    I also love the Heights theater.

    So, what do you think of John Waters’ movies? Because they can be very polarizing (especially his early ones).

    Lastly, I just want to throw my support behind the whole ‘fire’ thing. Burns can be incredibly painful, but sometimes also mind-blowingly pleasurable. Hee hee!

  10. Saving H. Potter for reading the books with my kid, but have to say that I too love the heights! I’ve been there when the organist plays and the projected stars spin on the ceiling–so retro, so authentic (original organ and sheet music, I’ve heard), so cool!!!

  11. kat, yes, it’s the best local theater. You could read the first book or two to your daughter now, but I would wait until she grows up a bit for the last five.

  12. Choolie, I can’t believe I missed your comment. I like the few Waters’ movies I’ve seen. I will watch more of them sometime, I am sure. I waited a long time before seeing Galaxy Quest because I don’t like Tim Allen. He did a great job, though.

    Fire can, indeed, be pleasurable.

  13. Big Rickman fan here, too. See him in “The Search for John Gissing” I kept putting it off thinking it sounded awful, but once I saw it and laughed my ass off, watched it again with all the outtakes, etc., decided it was one of his best. He’s quite delicious all through.

  14. Hi, Abby! Welcome to my blog. I have only seen the beginning of The Search for John Gissing, but it’s because I am coming to the end of Alan Rickman’s body of work, and I hate reaching the end of anything. Always glad to see another Alan Rickman fan. Feel free to chime in any time.