I saw the newest Harry Potter movie tonight. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It’s been ages since I read the book, which is a good thing because otherwise, I would be obsessed with everything that’s been cut. As I have stated before, though, the books (as well as the movies) are instantly forgettable once consumed, so it’s all good.
At some point, probably when I buy the DVD (and you know I will), I will do an actual review of the movie in which I will discuss plot, acting, how the kids have grown, etc. This will not be that review. Instead, this will be the adult review in which you get to see how I watch a Harry Potter movie. Sit back and enjoy.
First of all, Natasha (my movie-seeing friend) and I went to the Heights Theater, which has the best viewing experience, bar none. It’s next door to a Dairy Queen and owned by the same person, so you can bring your DQ treat (Girl Scout Tagalongs blizzard with chocolate ice cream, bitches!) into the movie with you. I bought a giant diet pop at the movie theater (I really am mainlining the caffeine these days in order to stay awake), and I was set.
First thing you notice is that the theater looks like an old-timey stage theater. It has a red velvet curtain, and there is an organ player (a live one) on the weekends. I love that touch. Natasha informs me that I can not moan or groan or I will have to move to the end of the aisle. I ask if I can sigh. She says yes. I ask if I can sigh deeply. She says yes. I say I will try to time it in sync with the action. There is one trailer, in this case for Guy Ritchie’s (insert annoyed eye-roll here) Sherlock Holmes, starring Robert Fucking Downey Jr., who looks unnervingly like Al Pacino in the trailer. Jude Law is Watson, and I asked Natasha why they even bother calling the movie Sherlock Holmes? It looks like it’s trying to be an edgy, updated version, but it loses all that makes Holmes Holmes in the process. No fucking point.
Then, there is the used-to-be-amusing-but-now-is-annoying warning about phones, trash, talking in the theater, etc. I miss the days of John Waters smugly smoking a cigarette and saying, “I’m smoking a cigarette. Don’t you wish you could?” or something similarly amusing.
Then, the movie starts. Yes, one trailer and the warning, and it’s off to the races. No fucking commercials. No half dozen lame-assed trailers. Just one and done. By the way, one of the reasons I pay a gazillion dollars to see a movie in the theater is so that I don’t have to sit through fucking commercials. And, get off my lawn. Also.
Now, I was a bit wary. The last movie should have been chockful of Snape because the story really was about him and the traumas he suffered at the hands of Harry’s father. Oh, standard warning. If you haven’t read the books or seen the movies and want to see them unsullied, don’t read this. I can’t be bothered to put spoiler tags on the post.
Anyway, the last movie should have had a lot of screentime for Snape, Lupin, and Lucius Malfoy. Instead, we barely see the first two, and we only get to see the last because he has an integral fight scene against Harry, natch, at the end of the movie.
I am going to say something heretical. I don’t give a flying fuck about the books or the movies, per se. The books are amiable enough, but they are not something I would ordinarily read. Were it not for the fact that I became totally and hopelessly hooked on Alan Rickman (while watching a Potter movie!), I wouldn’t have read one of the Potter books, let alone all seven. So, when I go to see the movies, I am really going because they are porn for me. In other words, I want to see more of the adults and much less of the kids. Which kinda defeats the fucking point of the whole series. I know this, and yet, I can’t help be disappointed time and time again when I get so little of Snape.
When I first see Snape (Alan Rickman, of course), I let out a little sigh that is dangerously close to a moan. He has the most gorgeous, lush, sensuous voice with such perfect diction. He is dressed in all black and wears a great, sweeping cape. In addition, there is Bellatrix Lestrange (Helena Bonham Carter) looking deliciously sexy as she spews her crazy vitriol all over the scene. I usually see her in period pieces or Tim Burton movies, so it’s a treat to see her really unpack the crazy. Yes, I know she played a crazy woman in Sweeney Todd, but I am trying to forget that movie because it was such a crashing disappointment to me.
I am on the edge of my seat, awaiting every Snape entrance. He can say so much with one glance and one movement. Natasha said he really carried the movie, and she is so right. I find my attention lagging whenever he isn’t on screen, except for the few (too few) scenes in which Lupin (David Thewlis) appears. Yum. Yum yum yum. Yum. Mmmmm….I had forgotten that Lucius Malfoy (Jason Isaacs) isn’t in this movie (he’s in jail. There’s a brief picture of him in the paper in the beginning of the movie, but that’s it), but I forgive that since there is twice the Snape.
I can’t keep my eyes off Snape. I don’t care what the fuck he is doing or saying as long as he is on the damn screen. I find myself thinking about what it would be like to fuck him right then and there. I am not into costumes much, but I would gladly dress up like Bellatrix if I could find someone who looks like Alan Rickman (and sounds like him) to be my Snape. I love his hands, and I imagine them caressing my body. He has the most intense gaze, and he uses it to great effect.
By the way, if Dame Helen Mirren could be in the last two Potter movies, I would be eternally grateful.
I find it very distracting that my pussy is pulsing every time Snape appears. It’s a good thing that I don’t have to concentrate on the plot of the movie because there is no way in hell I could do so. Oh, there is one really cool CGI effect where Dumbledore (Sir Michael Gambon, alas, not the most excellent Sir Richard Harris, may he rest in peace) turns the waves into flames. I find myself getting even more aroused because I love fire.
Side note: The funniest part of the movie is when Harry bends down to scoop some water out of the pond/lake/river thingie, and a bony hand suddenly reaches up and clasps Harry around the wrist. Oh, Harry is played by Daniel Radcliffe. Anyway, a few women in the audience shriek when Harry is grabbed, which makes me laugh out loud.
Anyway, when Snape strikes down Harry time and time again at the end of the movie, all I can think about is how much I want to play with his wand. Yes, I find something incredibly erotic and sexy about the interplay of pleasure and pain, as I have written elsewhere in this blog. I can’t help but fantasize about being in Harry’s place and what would happen if I was the one under Snape’s wand.
All in all, this is the best Potter movie yet. Alan Rickman has not yet been secured for the final movie (the second half of Deathly Hollows), but I can’t imagine how in the hell the movie will be made without him. If they replace Snape in the last movie, I will be so fucking mad. Natasha said she won’t see it with me if there is a different Snape. I told her not to worry. If Alan Rickman isn’t Snape, then I’m not watching. A grrl has to have some standards!
OK. I just looked it up, and Alan Rickman is secured for the last movie, so I still have two Harry Potter porn films to enjoy. Good to know.