My fellow Americans. Today, I sit proudly before you in order to announce my candidacy for the 2016 presidential race (I am assuming that President Obama will win his reelection campaign in 2012). Why am I announcing my candidacy so early? Because I have done jackshit in politics, so I gotta start kissing ass now!
What? Why am I running? Well, I’m glad you asked. Sit down. It’s gonna take awhile.
Back when I first could vote (1992), I naively believed that the government was for the people, of the people, and by the people. I know! I can only shake my head in bemusement at how callow I was in my youth. I didn’t vote that year because I was out of the country, so I cast my first vote for president in 1996. By then, I was a bit more jaded. I wasn’t pleased with the two-party system we have, so I voted for Nader (after assuring that Clinton was reelected). I wanted to make a statement, but I was also pragmatic. It’s the same with the last local Senate race. I wanted to vote for Dean Barkley, the Independent Party candidate, but I knew the race was going to be close (though, not as close as it turned out to be. I don’t think anyone foresaw that, except, perhaps, for Nate Silver), so I voted for Al Franken. Ahem. Excuse me. SENATOR AL FRANKEN, bitchez!
Anyhoo, I was discouraged because it seemed that politicians cared more about politics than they did about their constituents. Call me thick, but I truly believed that politicians should serve the people who elected them. I know, I know. I was so young and beautiful then!
Then, came the dark election of 2000. I don’t like to think about it as I can still drive myself crazy as to what might have been if we had had President Gore for the last eight years instead of W. No, he wasn’t the most charismatic guy out there (to say the least), and yes, he chose slimy Joe Lieberman as his running mate (sigh), but there is no way in hell we would be in the mess we are currently in if Gore had been prez. Go ahead! Say it’s revisionist history. I don’t fucking care. It’s true, and we all know it.
Ok. Back to my candidacy. Why am I throwing my hat in the ring? Well, I could spout all these lofty sentiments that are actually true, but there is one simple reason: I want to drive the rightwingnutters clean over the cliff. They have driven themselves as close to it without teetering over, and I think I can provide that one last push.
I am fucking fed up with this birfer nonsense. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, well, I’ll sum it up. A bunch of racist motherfuckers on the right (and probably some PUMAs as well) are bent on proving that Obama isn’t qualified to be president because he his father is Kenyan! Because his mom was underage when he was born! Because Hawaii isn’t really a state! Because he was actually born in Kenya! Because, shut up!
The gist of it is that he hasn’t shown his birth certificate (not true), so we can’t be sure that he’s actually a natural-born citizen. Now, let’s put aside the fact that no other president in modern history has been asked to provide proof of his citizenry. Let’s put aside that it was actually McCain who wasn’t born in America (he was born in the Panama Canal Zone). Let’s put aside that if there were any shred of evidence that Obama wasn’t born in America, it would have surfaced before now. What I want to focus on is, are you fucking kidding me? Really? This is the fucking shit that passes for political discourse these days?
The birther of the birfer movement, Orly Taitz (or Orly Taintz, as I call her) is a by-mail lawyer, a dentist, and a practicer of Taekwondo. She’s also fucking nuts. She was on Colbert last night. She was comparing Obama to Hitler and Stalin (she’s a Russian citizen). Colbert, in his deadpan way, tried to see how far he could push her. She said because Obama’s father is Kenyan, Obama is not an American citizen. Colbert pushed some more. This despicable nutjob actually said that the only way Obama would be qualified is, and I’m paraphrasing here, if his father was dug up from his grave and given retroactive American citizenship.
This issue just won’t fucking die. It’s been argued on BJ for many months. I finally lost my cool one day and posted that neither of my parents were born in the states, and they were not citizens when I was born. I, however, was a citizen. Why? Because I was fucking born in Minnesota. End of story. It doesn’t matter the country of origin of my parents. I am a fucking American citizen because I was born in this motherfucking country. I didn’t have to take a citizenship test. I didn’t have to pledge my undying allegiance to America. I didn’t have to take a blood oath and swear that I will protect America with every fiber of my being. And you know what? It still says I’m a fucking American citizen on my passport.
Some prominent bloggers (cough cough, Andrew fucking Sullivan) say that Obama should provide the original of his birth certificate in the name of transparency and to put the controversy to bed. While Sully says he thinks the birfers are nuts, he simultaneously says Obama should placate them. First of all, fuck you, Sully! Fuck you and your racist whinging. Just because you’re embarrassed over your obsession with Palin’s procreating habits, it doesn’t mean you need to overcompensate by going after Obama for something equally stupid. In addition, why the fuck should Obama have to shoot down every crackpot theory that is shot at him across the bow? Just because you say so? I don’t think so, you fucking git. I know many people are enamored of Sully, but to me, he’s just another privileged white guy who wouldn’t have broken with his precious conservative movement if it weren’t for the inconvenient truth of his gayness.
Back to me. I figure if one furrner as a parent is the source of such distress, just imagine me running when both of my parents are furrners! I want to make their fucking heads explode. I want to give Pat Robert–Buchanan a fucking heart attack. I want to make Orly Taintz flee back to her beloved Russia.
You know what’s the funniest part? The traditional media is finally saying, “Ya know, I’m beginning to maybe think that race has something to do with the birfer movement.” You think? No fucking way!
Anyway, back to my candidacy.
I ask my fake hubby, TattooSydney, to stand besides me, along with his soon-to-be real hubby. They are from the civilized country of Australia, and they will be getting married very soon. Take a bow, boys. I know I have to be married to be prez. I don’t fucking want to get married, so I thought a gay hubby with a hubby would be the best way to get around that requirement. Plus, they live in Australia, so it’s not like I have to live with them. I’ll just fly them out for the important events and put them up in Lincoln’s bedroom. Or maybe the guest house that W. refused to let Obama use early–preferring, in petty snit, to have the ex-prime minister of Australia stay there. I’m hoping that having my fake hubby and his real hubby stay there will wipe out the bad Aussie mojo the ex-prime minister left behind.
Their job will be to stand by my side and look good in their tuxes. Oh, and snog for the cameras whenever they feel like it. I believe that the more the American public sees public displays of homo affection, the more they will be able to realize that it’s a fucking beautiful thing. In addition, my fake hubby is in charge with supplying me with a neverending stream of cheer-me-up music such as Kylie Minogue.
Next, my headquarters will be in Loring Park. I will have headquarters around the country in the gayest of neighborhoods. I don’t have any kids, so I will borrow some from friends to dutifully exploit them and trot them around in their matching outfits. I will have Erasure, the Indigo Girls, kd lang, Margaret Cho, Wanda Sykes, and a bunch of other queer folks providing the entertainment at any gatherings I have.
I will kiss a lot of babes. Any babes that want to be kissed will get no protest from me.
If I win, I will be sworn in on the Constitution. I will pledge allegiance to MY religion (hedonism). I will worship at the altars of Bacchus and Dionysus.
I will kiss more babes. Lots and lots of babes.
See, the beauty of me running is that I don’t give a shit if I win. Therefore, I can say whatever the fuck I want. I wouldn’t pander to anyone because I would rather dip my eyeballs in lye than kiss the ass of Big Pharma, Big Agra, or Big Religion. I could tell the truth as I see it, and I would have a blast doing it.
I would throw all my dirt out there so no one can claim I’m hiding anything. Hell, most of my dirt is on this very blog, so anyone who wants to find some juicy stuff about me won’t have very far to dig.
I would be the first Taiwanese American bisexual agnostic unmarried childfree nonmonogamous hedonistic candidate to run for president. It would be a hoot.
Hm. As usual, I am running long. I will blog about my platform tomorrow. Stay tuned.