I cannot believe how fast this year has sped by. It seems like just yesterday I was standing on the edge of the Taroko Gorge and contemplating jumping off. I had escaped death there many years ago, and I thought maybe it was my fate to die there.
As I looked down, I was aware of how fat, hot, and miserable I was. It was the first time our family had been together in years, and it was not on my home turf. I wanted to end it all.
Somehow, I managed to not kill myself on that trip. I survived, though barely. My parents sent me ‘this is everything that’s wrong with you’ emails that nearly broke me. This was in March of this year, and I sank into a depth of despair. Why the fuck was I alive? How the hell could I ever make my family proud of me?
This took up much of my therapy sessions early in the year. At some point, though, I just snapped. Or rather, my despair snapped. As my therapist pointed out many months later, going to Taiwan, however hard it had been, was the event that triggered many of the changes I made in this last year. I realized that all the hiding of my true self I did around my family wasn’t enough–they were never going to be happy with the fake me, so I might as well let the real me come out to play. It wasn’t a conscious decision–I just couldn’t pretend any more.
It was actually a relief to realize that the fake-me wasn’t good enough, and I could toss her away. (Like it’s that easy. Yeah, right). Even if the real me isn’t good enough for my family, I haven’t lost anything, anyway. And, it’s easier, if scarier, to be the real me than to be the fake me.
Hello. It’s been awhile. This feels strange, and yet, it’s also familiar. I want to thank everyone who has told me that s/he misses my blogging. I appreciate it more than you know. I have missed blogging. Obviously, not enough to do it again. At least, not here.
Newest news: I’m blogging over at Angry Black Lady’s place. Here is one of her posts that she cross-post over at Balloon Juice. This is my intro post, but not my actual first post. I was ridiculously nervous after posting my first post that I couldn’t sleep. I asked myself why. I mean, I blog here about very intimate, difficult, and personal things. However, I’m not likely to offend anyone by what I write here (except for my lifestyle choices). In the world of political blogging, if I am not offending someone, then I am doing it wrong.
My fears were for naught. I was welcomed warmly into the fold, and I’m having a blast. ABL also asked Emily Hauser (ee) to cross-post as well. Here is her intro post. Notice the difference. As I have been joking, ABL is the sassy one; Emily is the classy one; I am the brassy one. ABL is hilariously funny and spot-on in her rantings. Emily is a warm, delightful, thoughtful blogger who always makes me think, whether I want to or not. She is also funny. Me? Well, you all know I’m rude, raucous, and long-winded. But, I’m also funny as hell and good with a phrase or two. And, I have deep complex thoughts at times. However, blogging over there is very different from blogging here (like I have to get the facts straight. I am NOT FOX News), and I’m still finding my groove. The biggest thing is that I’m trying valiantly to cut down on my word count, and I’m succeeding somewhat.