Tag: bad movies | The World According to MEH

Donnie Darko–Before You See It

Posted on March 24, 2009 by admin • 4 Comments

5:57 p.m. 6/5/04

Donnie Darko. What can I say about it? It was recommended to me by someone whose opinion I highly value. He is most likely the smartest person I know, and that’s saying a lot. He owns a copy of this movie and thought that I would enjoy it. It was with great anticipation that I fired up this DVD. Sadly to say, the enthusiasm was grievously misplaced.

From the first shot of the movie, I know I’m in trouble. There is the moody music and the moody kids and everything is just so moody. Now, those of you who read my review for Charlotte Sometimes will be understandably confused as that movie is all mood. What is the difference, you ask? Well, I’ll explain to you the difference. Watching Donnie Darko, I get the feeling that I’m supposed to be impressed with the movie. Impressed or shocked. There is a sense of ‘look at me’ and ‘see how clever I am’. This is a movie that chokes on its own importance from the heavy-handed score to the slowing down of action in that now-irritating Matrix fashion.

Never Come Back–Before You See It

Posted on March 24, 2009 by admin • 0 Comments

3:14 a.m. 9/3/4/04

Movies with Minna is back, and this time up, I will do a very short review of Never Come Back starring the incomparably delicious Nathaniel Parker. This is one of his earlier works which wasn’t well-received on Netflix, but I have different tastes than the mainstream. Besides, if Nathaniel Parker is in it, it can’t be all bad, right? Right? Wrong.

Everything about this movie-made for television-is wrong. The pacing, the plot, the characters, the lighting. Everything. The fake-dead cat-it’s supposed to be dead, but it’s easy to tell it’s not a real cat that’s dead-the pseudo-noire look, the incessant whining by Parker’s character, the supposed insouciance of said character….It’s all trite and grates on the nerves. The fact that it’s supposed to be set during World War I-or is it World War II?-does nothing to alleviate the sheer mediocrity of this movie.

Maybe Baby–Before You See It

Posted on March 24, 2009 by admin • 0 Comments

6:02 p.m. 11/18/05

I hate romantic comedies. I really hate romantic comedies. I would go so far as to say I loathe them. Why am I bringing this up? Because I have recently watched two romantic comedies, and I need to remind myself that no matter who is in them, they are not worth renting. Let me check that. I watched the first ten minutes each of two romantic comedies-the first being Maybe Baby starring one of People’s Sexiest Men, Hugh Laurie. It’s a British comedy, so I hold out hope that it’ll be ok. Hope quickly fades.

We start out with Hugh in a work meeting situation. There’s a new boss at the station-I think he writes commercials or some such thing. I have no idea what Hugh’s name is in the movie. Sam? I think. Anyway, the new boss looks like a cross between Clive Owens and Peyton Manning, which is not a compliment. He sounds like he’s barking out orders on the football field as well as the obnoxious, over-the-top boss that everybody loves to hate. In actuality, he’s Matthew MacFadyen, the new Mr. Darcy, and presumably, no relation to the scrumptious Angus MacFadyen. His stereotypical character is wearisome, and it’s a welcomed break when Hugh’s mobile rings. It’s his wife, played by Joely Richardson, and she wants to screw because she’s ovulating.

Paperback Romance–Before You See It

Posted on March 24, 2009 by admin • 2 Comments

Ed. Note: In the comment section, a reader corrected me as to when Anthony and Gia met. They met on the set of “The Custodian” in 1993, and this movie was made in 1994. I apologize for the misinformation.

6:24 p.m. 11/18/05

Ok. I just waxed poetic about the fact that I hate romantic comedies. I need to reiterate that even having one of my favorite actors in a romantic comedy doesn’t make it much more palatable. It watched two recently-well, the first ten minutes of each-the second being Paperback Romance, starring Anthony LaPaglia. By the way, he’s so much better looking now than he was when he was younger. It’s the gravitas, I think. Plus, he gained some weight. How unfair is that? He looks better with weight gain!

Anyway, the movie starts out with a voiceover of Gia Carides, who’s writing something in the library. A romantic fantasy. Well, a sexual fantasy. She’s Anthony’s wife in real life-they met on the set. That’s sweet. The movie, not so much. First of all, the sex fantasy is boring and trite with every cliché imaginable. Manhood and such shit. It’s a threesome-and it’s quite a feat that I’m not the least bit interested. To make matters worse, she’s reading out loud as she writes. By pen. I suppose this is the days before laptops so I can forgive the pen and paper part, but not the murmuring out loud part. She’s reading out loud! This is patently absurd. More so that she doesn’t notice a young man-LaPaglia-sitting down in the carrel across from hers, and he’s listening to every word she says. Ridiculous! But no movie without the stupid premise. He invites her to coffee, she rejects him. Turns out she’s on crutches-seems like she has MS, ah, no, it’s polio, according to an IMDb reviewer. Suppose I would have found that out if I actually watched the movie-which is stupid, too. Then again, no movie without the premise. If she has no reason to say no, well, then they’d have their coffee, have sex and be done with it. Even if he is engaged. Even if he is a cat-burglar. Ok. I got those bits of information from the blurb.

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