Tag: broken | The World According to MEH

I KNOW I’m Fucking Fat!

Posted on January 3, 2010 by admin • 7 Comments

So. I went to the family dinner tonight (mini, mom’s side). It was at an Italian-like food place named Morita’s. Don’t ask because I don’t know why an Italian place has a Japanese name. Anyway, I was pretty much defeated by the rest of the day, so I just went (I had originally told my mom that I didn’t want to go). I had to eat dinner, anyway. I met another cousin I hadn’t seen in at least fifteen years if not twenty, and he looked great. He’s twenty-three and doing his mandatory military service so he had to eat and run. He was pretty cool. There were only two sisters (including my mom) and one brother at first, and then the eldest brother and his wife showed up. The dinner was in their honor because they were visiting Taiwan as well. The wife had cancer a few years back and wasn’t expected to make it. She did, and she’s in remission now. Anyway, she is one of those full warpaint, dyed hair, dress to the nines kind of women who desperately tries to look thirty years younger.

One of my uncles was eating grapefruit after he had his dessert. This aunt turned to me and said, “Minna. Grapefruit.” I said, “No, thank you.” Then she said in her little-girl voice, “Minna. Grapefruit. Diet. Lose weight.”

“Fuck you, bitch,” flashed through my mind, but I did not say it, of course. Instead, I turned away from her, and she was dead to me from then on.

For a Limited Time Only

Posted on October 30, 2009 by admin • 8 Comments

Ed. Note: This is a continuation of the entry, How to Make the Perfect Sex Doll. It is not necessary to read that entry first, but it will help.

Guys, are you sick and tired of bitches who talk back? Bitches who nag at you until you want to smack them across the face? You know what I’m talking about. Women these days are real ballbusters, only looking to kick you in the nuts. You’re tired of having to deal with that shit, aren’t you?

Well, come over here and take a look at this. For a limited time only, we are offering the Stepford Minna doll. Not only has she been trained to be the perfect sex doll, she has been broken in every other important way. If you’ve ever read Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew, then you have a hint of what kind of effort was put into training the Stepford Minna doll solely for your pleasure.

If you are feeling sad, she will feel sad for you. If you are angry, she will absorb your abuse without breaking a sweat. If you want to fuck her until you break her, well, she will happily comply. Or rather, she will obediently comply. I can’t tell you if she’s happy about it, but it’s not important, anyway.

You won’t have to talk about your relationship or worry about how she is feeling. She feels nothing on her own. She feels what you tell her to feel. Genius, really. You don’t have to worry that she will want to take your relationship to the next level because she is perfectly content to let you define what the two of you have.

Healing the Break

Posted on October 19, 2009 by admin • 11 Comments

I’m not done with yesterday’s entry, surprise, surprise. I do find it funny that I was going to be brief and ended up writing my longest post ever. Still, when I posted it, I felt as if I still had more to say. I knew in general what my readers would say in response because I have said variations of the same things to myself for all these years. I have especially tried the, “What would you say to a friend who told you the same story?” but to no effect.

You see, I expect different things from myself than I do from others. Hypocritical? Yes. Example: I like women with lotsa curves. I like women who are lush and Rubenesque, as I have blogged about before. When it comes to me, though, I wanna be stick-skinny. Why? Because.

No, I have no other reason besides that. For most of my life, I didn’t think I really needed one. There was a teensy bit of me that held myself to higher standards than I did others, but there was more of me that simply felt like I was a big fat failure no matter what. I was starting from the premise that I was unworthy, disgusting, ugly, etc., and working my way backwards from there. In the case of losing weight, I started with the premise that I was grotesquely fat, and I lost weight with the goal of looking skinny. Oh, I couched it in more reasonable terms. I wanted to reach the specific weight of 140. I look less than I weigh (because I have muscles), so that seemed reasonable. Except, the closer I got to 140, the more jittery I got. I didn’t look skinny. I didn’t feel skinny. I still felt ugly, fat, and grotesque (yes, it’s possible to feel all those things). So I moved the goalpost to 135, then to 130. Then, I just kept losing until I hit 123. I had a 24-inch waist, and I loved it. Kind of.

I loved my bones jutting out and how my thighs didn’t touch, but I still felt fat, gross, ugly, and disgusting. Maybe, I thought, if I hit 120, I would magically feel thin. Well, I passed out at a nightclub before I could hit the magic mark, and I decided that it wasn’t worth it to literally die to be thin. It was tempting, but it wasn’t worth it in the end. With great regret, I let that dream go.

I Am Broken

Posted on September 6, 2009 by admin • 16 Comments

I am broken. After a really shitty week, I give up. Many of my friends have bolstered my spirits (and a big thank you to you all), but the lingering sadness, pain, anger, and hopelessness have persisted.

I am vulnerable with no defense to the attacks that seemingly come from all side. Of course, I am hypersensitive to them right now, but they are definitely there. People blithely assuming that there way of life is the right way, the correct way, the mature way, the only way, the agreed-upon way. Again and again, I am on the outside looking. I have to either shut up and let the speaker assume that I am in agreement or speak up and be the troublemaker.

I am so tired. My heart is heavy with all the added burden. I alternate between being absolutely numb and having tears stream down my face as if they will never end.

I have given up one path after the other in my life. I have little personal regret over most of them, but they have caused me no end of grief when dealing with other people. For example, not getting married and not having children. To some extent, I would add my decision not to seek out a longterm monogamous relationship to the list. These are all the accepted societal norm. Indeed, as a woman, it is supposed to be my ultimate goal to get married and have children (so speaketh my mother, on the latter at least). My decision not to have children was the easiest decision I have ever made in my life. Just as some people know they want kids, I knew I didn’t want them. Marriage was a little more difficult, but I eventually realized that for a variety of reasons (yes, including political), it wasn’t for me.

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