Tag: growing pains | The World According to MEH

The Changing, Part IV: Minna 4.0 Manual Complete*

Posted on April 12, 2011 by admin • 8 Comments

All right. Back to the software upgrades. Go read the other parts of this series if you want to be au courant on the subject, especially the last post.

Minna 4.0 is more stable in functioning. The downtimes are briefer, and maintenance is not as intense. In addition, her firewall is stronger.

The earlier editions of Minna had a big flaw–I couldn’t say no. I thought if I said no or stood up for myself, I would lose a friend. For the most part, this wasn’t the fault of said friend as my friends are solid people who love me for who I am. But, there have been people over the years who didn’t like this one bit. And, because as I said earlier, I tended to store things up until they exploded, the ending of said friendships were ugly and brutal. And, of course, it would reinforce my notion that I couldn’t voice my real opinion or I would lose my friends. My best friend, Kiki/Kat, who has been there for me since 1994, gave me a plaque for Christmas that has this quote by Dr. Seuss:

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. ”

It really resonated within me, first of all, because she’s one of my biggest supporters. She’s seen me through some ugly things, and she’s never faltered in her friendship. Secondly, I am used to feeling that I fall short of some amorphous ideal, and it’s soothing to hear from a very dear friend, “Hey. I like you the way you are.” Thirdly, I am slowly reaching the point where I am OK with myself. And, that quote just underscored the inchoate sense of self-acceptance that is burbling inside of me somewhere.

So. I am slowly starting to say no once in awhile. I’m beginning to demur and say, “No, I don’t agree. ” In other words, I’m becoming more than a mirror for other people, merely reflecting what they want to see. And, if someone doesn’t like it, then she wasn’t really a friend in the first place, was she?**

The Changing, Part III: Realizations Big and Small

Posted on April 11, 2011 by admin • 7 Comments

Minna 4.0 is not easy to run. There are bugs, and at time, the program suddenly freezes up. Then, I have to shut her down and start her up again. Sometimes, it’s a simple ‘file not found’ error or a ‘low disk space error’, but on occasion, it’s the blue screen of death and panic sets in. Then, I just have to shut her off and let her rest a bit before trying to reboot.

For the most part, however, I just have to deal with incompatibilities between Minna 3.0 and Minna 4.0.* There is a surprising amount of software which is not usable in the upgrade, and I have to figure out how to get rid of it without trashing the entire program.

For example, Minna 4.0 can’t keep her temper, anger, and opinions under control as well as Minna 1.0, 2.0, and 3.0 did.

All right. I have to say this. There is going to be a lot of recapping in this post. I will talk about things I have talked about previously. So, if you are a long-time reader who starts feeling a sense of déjà vu as you read this post, it’s not you. I really am saying shiitake I’ve said before. Now, back to the show.

I was taught that all negative emotions were not to be expressed and that anger was not acceptable. No, it was stronger than that–anger (except as exhibited by my father) was a display of hate. If you were mad at someone, that meant you didn’t love that person. No, it was never said in words, but it was felt deeply–at least by me.

I want to be careful here. I have talked to my brother about our childhood, and his memories are vastly different than mine. We were talking yesterday, and the topic of our visit to Taiwan came up. He was wistful as he said, “That was so much fun.” I made some murmuring noise and changed the subject. I didn’t need to get into it with him why I felt differently, but it struck me anew how two people can have such diametrically opposing reactions to the same experience.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes, and, the Anatomy of a Taiwanese Woman

Posted on December 30, 2009 by admin • 10 Comments

bakery I couldn’t sleep last night (surprise surprise). I got up in the middle of the night to do some online stuff before trying to sleep a bit more. When I finally got out of bed, it was eight-thirty. To my mild surprise, no brother barging into my room. Nothing. Fifteen minutes later, I heard a soft knock on my door. It’s my niece telling me it’s time to get up. So, right off the bat, things were different this morning.

My mom showed up. We grabbed some pastries for breakfast, and then it’s off to the National Palace Museum. My father was busy all day long, so I did not see him today. It makes me sad to say this, but I was relieved I didn’t have to spend any time with him. In addition to the fact that he can reduce me to tears in a minute, I have had two more flashbacks (one a day) since I’ve been here. The images aren’t anything new (him fingering me, him penetrating me), but the lack of surprise doesn’t diminish the emotions the images stir up inside of me. When my mom showed up alone, I knew that I wouldn’t have to see my father at least until supper. Then, when I found out he had a party he had to attend, my reaction was one of intense relief. I wouldn’t have to see him at all today. That allowed me a modicum of relaxation. In addition, the fact that he wasn’t with us meant that I had a better shot at getting my three hours at the National Palace Museum.

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