Tag: pain | The World According to MEH

It’s Over

Posted on February 2, 2010 by admin • 20 Comments

I got an email from my mother today. After imparting news, she informs me that after the ‘fun memories’ of my visit to Taiwan have faded, she and my father have gotten around to talking about me and my life. This is never a good thing. Never, ever, ever. She attached two letters to the email, one from her and one from my father. So, she wanted me to read her letter first, and then my father’s (because she’s a control freak like me, she has to direct the order in which I read the letters). With a sense of foreboding, I opened her letter.

In a nutshell, she talks about me becoming self-reliant, how I am grotesquely fat and negative in my outlook, and that while she is perfectly happy to continue our arrangement concerning the house, she would like to include as a stipulation that I spend an hour a day (or something like that) reading ‘life-affirming’ material, preferably the Bible. She closed with a Bible verse that she and my father particularly like. I will confess that I did not read the verse. I would also like to say that I don’t find the Bible to be particularly life-affirming, but that is neither here nor there.

Then, I opened my father’s letter. If I had a sense of foreboding before opening my mom’s letter, it’s nothing compared to what was going through me as I opened my father’s. His talked about our responsibility to society and the environment. Then, he basically called me a leech on society. He ended with, “We spent _______ money on your trip to Taiwan. A family in Taiwan could live ______ time off that amount. We were happy to do it, but are you happy?”

My immediate response was to get physically ill and go straight for that dark place that is deep within me. I have been struggling since returning to the States as to not giving into the darkness, and the letters from my parents may very well have pushed me over the edge. I already think I’m a fat, ugly, worthless piece of shit (though I have had moments where I’ve transcended that), and my parents reinforced every belief. As Alex likes to say, the reason our parents are so good at pushing our buttons is because they fucking installed them. OK, he might not have said fucking, but I’m sure he meant it. And boy, did my parents push every single goddamn button I have. Every one.

My Sexuality

Posted on January 17, 2010 by admin • 10 Comments

I had another flashback during taiji today. I tried to do the meditation to see what would happen, and yeah, won’t be doing that again any time soon.

Now, a little context. I had three hours of sleep this morning before taiji. My sleep, in general, has been even more fucked-up than usual since returning from Taiwan. I hadn’t planned on going to taiji today when I went to bed at eight in the morning, but when I woke up at eleven and couldn’t go back to sleep, I decided to go to taiji.

Now, I have been in a deep funk since returning for many reasons, so I probably would have been wise to sit out meditation. However, I was curious to see what would happen because it’d been two months or so since I meditated. The second I shut my eyes, I was in trouble.

This time, my father held his hand out to me and told me to suck his thumb. I did. I had a nightgown on–a different one–and we were standing up. After I suck my father’s thumb, he jams it into my pussy under my nightgown. Yes, I was seven in the flashback, or a tad bit younger. With his other hand, he pushed me against the wall–by my throat.

I had tears in my eyes as I meditated. I tried (per Julie’s instructions) to push the images outside my circle of concentration, but I couldn’t. They stubbornly refused to remain pushed. The second meditation was over, I bolted for my bottle of water in order to clear my head.

Losing My Body Parts One By One

Posted on January 6, 2010 by admin • 10 Comments

breakfast I can’t feel my feet! I wish I couldn’t feel my ankles, knees, or neck.

Today, my bro, my niece, and I started with a leisurely breakfast. It’s cool when it’s just the three of us. We can take our time and just talk about whatever. There is no tension there. Plus, I got to see the chefs let a fire get out of control. That was cool. I love fire.

Oh, and I have one goal for 2010: I wish to lose 100 pounds this year. It is ok to lose up to ten pounds a month, so this is a doable goal. I hit the proverbial wall today. My body just plain gave out on me. My ankles and knees are swollen; my feet burn/hurt/are numb (depending on the time of day); I can’t turn my neck very quickly. I am in such bad shape right now, it’s pathetic and pitiful.

My mom came to pick us up at ten. We went to Yi-lan with my dad’s driver and his wife (who is my mom’s assistant) and my dad’s assistant. We went through the longest tunnel in Taiwan (it took ten minutes), and I was fighting to stay awake the whole time. I didn’t sleep very well last night (surprise, surprise), and I was exhausted all day long. We walked through the arts and crafts store in Yi-lan, and my parents made my brother and I eat when we weren’t hungry. This is a common theme in our family (and in many Taiwanese families). They ask if we want to try something, and we say no. We were both still full. They ordered some for us, anyway, and it would have made them lose face in front of their coworkers if we had refused. So, in our family, food is not just food, and it’s not exactly love. It’s a duty.

Broken

Posted on November 2, 2009 by admin • 9 Comments

I waited to have sex until I was twenty. Before that point, I bought into the whole not-until-I’m-married thing. Then, as I proceeded to do everything but intercourse, I realized the ridiculousness of my belief (calling myself a TV, technical virgin in the process) and acted accordingly. I was in love with D. Both of us were virgins. It felt like the right thing to do.

The first time we had sex, it hurt. Then, it felt really good. The odd thing, though, was that I didn’t feel my hymen pop, and there was no blood. Now, girls lose their hymens in many different ways, so it’s not that unusual. However, I think I know now why I didn’t bleed that first time.

She is seven and naked, lying on her bed. He is crouched on top of her, with his cock hanging out of his pants. He is hard, and she is thrashing. This time, she is not being obedient. She is not lying quietly, passively taking whatever he does to her. She is thrashing her arms and legs as hard as she can, but it’s hopeless.

He has his hand on her mouth, and he is pressing down. She is trying to scream, but she cannot. He then locks her ankles with his so her lower body is pinned to the bed. That only leaves her arms free, and she is flailing them as best she can. She is also moving her head from side to side, but not with any success.

He doesn’t say anything. He just keeps pressing his hand to her mouth and stares at her with his empty eyes. She tries not to look at him, but she cannot look away. She is still struggling, but she is tiring rapidly. When he senses that she is just about out of energy, he takes his cock in his left hand and tries to shove it in her pussy. Close up of his cock pushing its way in her body with little success. She is dry, and even though his cock is wet from her mouth, he can’t get all the way in.

There is a ripping and a terrible pain, but he is soon stumped in his quest for entry. No matter how hard he tries, he cannot get his cock inside of her. So, he pulls out, sits on her shoulders and points his cock at her mouth. She cannot fight any longer. She opens her lips and lets him shove his cock into her small mouth. He places a hand on her lower jaw to make sure she doesn’t pull away, but it’s not necessary. She is broken.

This is my latest flashback, and, yes, it happened in taiji.

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How To Make the Perfect Sex Doll

Posted on October 25, 2009 by admin • 11 Comments

1. You must start when she’s young. That way, she has no comparison, and she doesn’t know any better.

“Open your mouth,” he said, gripping her by the shoulders. A girl of seven, she knelt between his legs. She was wearing a white flannel nightgown that stood out starkly in the darkness of the night. Her black hair was too short to cover her face, but she dropped her head, anyway, in a futile attempt to block him out.

She looked at him, her eyes fearful. She had her lips clamped shut. She hesitated, and then she shook her head. Once. Quickly. Fearfully.

He grabbed her head with one hand on either side of her face and shook.

“Open your mouth!” He was whispering, but his voice was angry. He squeezed her face until, defeated, she opened her mouth. He quickly shoved himself into her mouth, still holding onto her face.

The girl didn’t move, but she must have flinched because he told her to be still. She must have made a sound because he told her to keep quiet. “You don’t want Mom to hear, do you?” She tried her best to not move, to not make a sound. She couldn’t stop the tears, though. “Don’t cry.”

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