Tag Archives: realizations

The Changing, Part III: Realizations Big and Small

Minna 4.0 is not easy to run.  There are bugs, and at time, the program suddenly freezes up.  Then, I have to shut her down and start her up again.   Sometimes, it’s a simple ‘file not found’ error or a ‘low disk space error’, but on occasion, it’s the blue screen of death and panic sets in.  Then, I just have to shut her off and let her rest a bit before trying to reboot.

For the most part, however, I just have to deal with incompatibilities between Minna 3.0 and Minna 4.0.*  There is a surprising amount of software which is not usable in the upgrade, and I have to figure out how to get rid of it without trashing the entire program.

For example, Minna 4.0 can’t keep her temper, anger, and opinions under control as well as Minna 1.0, 2.0, and 3.0 did.

All right.  I have to say this.  There is going to be a lot of recapping in this post.  I will talk about things I have talked about previously.  So, if you are a long-time reader who starts feeling a sense of déjà vu as you read this post, it’s not you.  I really am saying shiitake I’ve said before.   Now, back to the show.

I was taught that all negative emotions were not to be expressed and that anger was not acceptable.  No, it was stronger than that–anger (except as exhibited by my father) was a display of hate.  If you were mad at someone, that meant you didn’t love that person.  No, it was never said in words, but it was felt deeply–at least by me.

I want to be careful here.  I have talked to my brother about our childhood, and his memories are vastly different than mine.  We were talking yesterday, and the topic of our visit to Taiwan came up.  He was wistful as he said, “That was so much fun.”  I made some murmuring noise and changed the subject.  I didn’t need to get into it with him why I felt differently, but it struck me anew how two people can have such diametrically opposing reactions to the same experience.


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Reluctant Realizations

I am an adult.

I wanted to start out with that because I don’t often feel like an adult, and I don’t always act like one, either.   In addition, I don’t get treated like one in my family, especially when the whole family is together.  Once the baby, always the baby, I guess.

Secondly, I am punch-drunk stupid exhausted, so I apologize ahead of time if my words are less coherent than usual.  My sleep, quite frankly, sucks.  This is purely due to the stress.  I have taken to napping on the couch with my boys rather than sleeping in my bed, and I snatch a few hours here and there whenever I can.  They, of course, are delighted to be able to snooze with me.  It comforts me to have them snuggle with me, but then I wake up with sore eyes (I’m allergic, which is why they are not allowed in my bedroom).

I had my therapy session yesterday.  It was tough, but needed.  I realized some hard truths that I have been reluctant to put into words before now.   I brought print-outs of the letters from my parents to my session–the first time I’ve ever brought any communique to a session.  My therapist read the letters, and then we talked about them.  It tickled me to hear her say, “There’s a lot of shit in these letters” because she doesn’t swear very often.  True to her profession, after reading the letters, she wanted to know about what I wanted to talk.

We talked about my father’s letter first.  She called it predictable, and it really was.  All the stuff about responsibility to society was typical, but missing the point.  And, I realized that even though his letter was meaner in a way, it didn’t bother me as much.  Why?  Because I expect nothing less from him.  I was surprised he tossed the monetary figure in there because he’s not usually one to talk about how much things cost, but the rest of the letter was pretty standard for him.

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