I have OCD issues with one interesting outlier: I tend to be easily sidetracked. When I am having a conversation, I will follow a different thought until its logical conclusion, and then I will return to the main discussion. Or, I will use the tangent to launch a completely different subject altogether. Part of this is because I see issues as being complex, interconnected, and not easily separated. Part of it is because my mind thinks of a hundred things at one time, and I want to talk about all of them simultaneously.
It’s evident in my writing as well. My blog entries contain an average of 1,500 (fair warning. I completely made that up, but it seems about right) words each. That’s a shitload of gabbing on one subject. And, I usually have a main thesis for each entry, but from there, my thoughts diverge. I don’t really have a problem with the way I think or talk or write, but it does lead to the main point of this entry.
Getting distracted in my blog entries is fine. Taking a side road when I’m having a discussion with a friend about politics or what’s going on in our personal lives is also fine. However, now that I am struggling to leave the old me behind and find a new way of being, I can’t afford to get bogged down with extraneous shit.
For example, my mother. In my last therapy session, I was talking with my therapist about my frustrations with falling into the same patterns when talking with my mother. In fact, it’s the last thing I blogged about as well. I explained how the interaction would typically occur, and I concluded by saying how mad I was at myself for caving so easily. My mother wears me down by her indefatigable vigor in complaining until I give in. I know that the longer I argue, the harder she’s going to push for me to do whatever it is she wants me to do. It’s the same damn thing every fucking time.
My therapist thought for a minute and said, “What prevents you from talking about the process rather than the content?” In other words, why didn’t I say, “Mom, I know you would prefer I do it for you. However, you are not hearing me when I say that I choose not to do it.” It’s even better if I can say it without shouting it, but I’m not holding out hope for that just yet because I get so frustrated when talking to my mother.