An Open Letter to the EX-Vice President

Dear Dick:

Sir, it pains me to have to write this letter as I would prefer to pretend that you simply did not exist.  Barring that, I would like to keep you in your undisclosed location, cackling over Tales from the Crypt while drinking a pint of blood from an undisclosed source while stroking your pet lizard.  In reality, you would like to have a boa constrictor, but you are deathly afraid of them–as you are of most everything.  I would like to imagine your wife having a torrid affair with Laura Bush (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree) while W. is cackling over The New Howdy Doody Show, which he thinks is better than the original.

I would be more than happy to banish you to the far hinterlands of the earth, but you fucking won’t let me.  For eight years, you were silent.  You were behind the scenes, manipulating the puppet, and making sure that things went the way you wanted them to go.  You had more power than anyone in the United States, including the president, and you chose to use that power for evil.  You learned at the tit of Nixon not to leave any incriminating evidence, and you did your best to burn the trail behind you.

Like any meglomaniac, you thought you could do whatever you want, with impunity, and lord knows, you did it.  Like any other cowardly bully who gets shamed in public, you wreaked your revenge indiscriminately, not caring who got hurt along the way.  One act of terrorism, and you metaphorically ripped up the Constitution and wiped your flabby ass on the pieces.

I was one of the people who saw from the start that the invasion of Iraq was based on faulty premises.  No, wait, that makes it sounds like a mistake.  The invasion of Iraq was based on trumped-up premises stemming from the torture of prisoners of which you instigated.  Whether because you truly believed there was a link between al-Qaeda and Saddam or because you wanted to invade Iraq and believed this was the best way to do it, you started with a premise and ginned up the evidence to support your twisted facts.

Let us be very clear.  There was no link between Saddam and al-Qaeda.  Saddam did not have WMDs.  In short, there was no reason for us to invade Iraq at the time.  Was Saddam Hussein a bad man?  Yes, but who supported him for many years?  That would be us.  We propped him up until he was no longer any use to us.  We have a habit of doing that with dictators.

Speaking of dictators, Mr. Cheney, did you know that your poll numbers with Americans are lower than those of Hugo Chavez, the supposed dictator (though democratically elected) of Venezuela?  How do you like them apples?

When you first started speaking up, I thought you were trying to polish the apple, as it were.  You knew very well that you were the most unpopular man in America, and you wanted to boost your popularity.  However, that didn’t take into account the attacks you made against President Obama, with increasing vitriol, delusions, and frequency.  Why are you doing this?  As I watch you speak (not often, as I can’t stomach listening to your self-righteousness and your lies), I see and hear the fear pouring off you.  If I were anywhere near you, I would smell it, feel it, and taste the fear as well.  You are a coward and a bully.  What happens to bullies when people refused to be bullied by them?  They get very afraid.

And you should be afraid.   You are a despicable human being who has shown not one ounce of remorse for ruining our country.   You thought you were above the laws of this land, and the truth about what you’ve done is slowly trickling out from behind the seemingly-impenetrable wall you’ve erected around yourself.  In 2008, Americans spoke out clearly against the way you and your minions ran this country.  As more details of the horrors you inflicted upon us and others emerge, it’s harder and harder to just walk on by, people, walk on by (shut the fuck up, Peggy Noonan, you stupid bitch).

When Obama released the memos, that was the proverbial last straw.  You knew that there was no putting the genie back in the bottle, and so, you broke.  Without anyone laying a hand on you, you buckled.  Now, you are saying anything to deflect the wrath that is rightly yours.  Even though it would be in your best interest for you to shut the fuck up and go whimper in a corner somewhere, you are desperate to save yourself.  So, you talk and talk and talk without realizing that the more you say, the more you are tightening the noose around your own neck.  That was metaphorical, of course.  You have your ass-licking sycophants, of course, and many of them are in the media.

Can I just take a break here and scold the Villagers?  Hello, this man is not in office any more.  This man screwed our country in a million different ways.  Why the fuck are you continuing to let this man tea-bag you?  Traditional media is dying out, and if you all don’t get your fucking act together, I will be the one to give you the final push over the edge.  Your fucking job is to report the news, not to make it.  Obama and Cheney giving speeches on the same day is not a sporting event–it’s our president making a serious speech on national security and a crotchety old man who is now a private citizen and therefore of no importance.  He has no power any more (except, it seems, with the media and with the ever-shrinking GOP), so why the fuck is he given so much facetime?

For my party’s sake, it’s great to have Dick spouting his vile bullshit at every given opportunity.  However, personally, I am morally repulsed that this amoral human-bot is allowed to spread his filth to the American public without anyone in the traditional media questioning the veracity of his statements.   As to those statements, well, let’s tackle them, shall we.

Mr. Cheney.  You keep saying that you and W. kept America safe for seven and a half years after 9/11.  First of all, 9/11 happened on your watch.  There was ample evidence ahead of time that it was going to happen, and W. just “heh-heh”ed his way past the reports.  He dismissed them as unimportant and as people wanting to cover their asses on the al-Qaeda thing.  The single biggest act of terror in America happened on YOUR watch.  You don’t get a free pass for that.

Next, let’s take the claim that you kept Americans safe from another terrorist act after 9/11.  I would like to tackle this in three ways.  First of all, the anthrax attack and the sniper attacks, both terrorist acts happened on your watch as well.  Second, more American soldiers have died since 9/11 than Americans in 9/11.  So, American soldiers aren’t American?  Way to go in supporting our troops.  Third, your claim is fallacious as we don’t know what would have happened if you had followed the rules of our land.  President Clinton also kept America safe after the first World Trade Center attacks, and he did it without using fear and terror as his main weapons.

I could say, “I’ve eaten chocolate every day since 9/11, and we haven’t had any terrorists attacks, therefore it’s my chocolate-consumption habits that have kept America safe.”  It’s specious, but so is your argument.  We don’t know what the fuck would have happened if you had done everything legal-like instead of coming up with one way after another of going around the laws of our country in order to torture prisoners so you could get false information that would corroborate with your preconceived idea of a link between Saddam and al-Qaeda.

I could go on and on, but I’m tired.  Of all the Bushies, you are the one I most want to see perp-walked (or perp-pushed if you can’t walk) into jail.  I would be willing to let the rest walk (except for John Yoo.  He has to be jailed as well) if you get what you deserve.  I look at the crumbling frame of America, and I know that you are squarely responsible for it–not to mention for the two ongoing wars and the economic crises to boot.  OK, maybe not the last, but I am sure you had a hand in all the dereg fanaticism that went on during your administration.  Excuse me, W.’s administration.

Mr. Ex. Vice-President, while it’s true that I loathe you and have excoriated you in this letter, I am actually pleading with you.  I look at my country, and I feel deep sorrow and anguish at all its gone through.  You are not helping.  In fact, you are hurting the country you purport to love so much by continuing on your Dick Cheney Rehabilitation Tour.  Please.  If you really do care about your country, STFU already.  We have had to suffer through eight years of unspeakable hell under your tyrannical hand.  The least you can do is go the fuck away and die with dignity.

Otherwise, I might accompany my friends whabs in donning a red dress and dancing on your grave when you do expire, whenever it is.  Maybe then, the blood on our hands will start to fade.