I just read an entry from my friend, whabs’ blog. It is beautiful, poignant, and lyrical. She talks about her life journey and how she is now ready to live life passionately. This entry really touched me because I am feeling the exact opposite these days.
I have been in a deep funk for the past few days, and I’m not exactly sure why. It’s probably partly because of the heat (75°), partly because I’m PMS’ing, and partly because I tend to brood. I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m not always sarcastic and funny. As an aside, I was called peppy and chipper on my favorite political blog. That really flummoxed me as I tend to think of myself as snarky and bitterly sarcastic. Someone else on the same blog also didn’t think I was a real woman, probably because my writing style is quite muscular at times.
The thing is, I wish my online persona was more like the real me. I mean, it is me, but it’s a bolder, fresher, sassier version of me. It’s the me that I would let loose if I were more confident about myself. On blogs, I can be witty, charming, funny, passionate, and blunt–to a certain extent. In real life? Yes, but not to as great a degree.
So, tonight’s midnight blogging is about the meaning of life. I don’t see one. This is something I tend to shove to the back of my mind because it makes me incredibly sad to think about how meaningless life is. Life in general, and mine in specific. I mean, let’s think about it. When I die, what difference is it really going to make? I am not saying that people will not mourn because I know of several who will. I am not saying that I haven’t made an impact on individuals in my life because I have. What I am saying is, what is the end result? I am still dead, and everyone who knew me will be dead, too, and then it will be like I never existed.
At times like this, I wish I had followed a more traditional path. If I had married and had kids, then at least I would have made my imprint in that way. I know that’s not a good reason to have children, but it’s the only one that actually resonates a tiny bit with me. That and to make my mother happy.
I’d like to think that my creative works will outlive me, but I get discourage when I see Sarah Palin being offered a gazillion-dollar deal to “write” her memoirs. Even Joe-the-not-Plumber got paid to write a book. And to be a “reporter” in Iraq. And to spew his hateful opinions on the teevee machine. Miss California gets her fifteen minutes of fame for saying something stupid and vapid which should not have been a big deal. I mean, really, who gives a fuck what Miss California says about anything? The only reason people are watching the show is to see some T & A. At least, that’s why the men watch. I have no fucking idea why women watch, unless it’s to be catty.
Then, on a political level, we have an administration (W.’s) that tortured people to manufacture a (nonexistent) link between al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein. We have Rummy cynically manipulating W.’s devotion to God in order to push the war. See GQ (!) for the full story on that. We have Cheney, the invisible man for the last eight years, who won’t shut the fuck up about how he and his puppet saved America by torturing and how Obama is making us less safe. We have the daughter of Dick Cheney parroting what her Daddy has said, and she has the gall to call Obama unAmerican for releasing the torture memos.
Do we all remember when it was considered an act of treason to question anything W. had done? Well, now it seems to be the exact opposite, and it’s because IOKIYAR (it’s ok if you’re a Republican). Oh, and Pelosi was briefed, so we should go after her for war crimes, even though we didn’t torture, but we did if it gets Nancy Pelosi in trouble. Man, do the Republicans hate a woman in charge if she’s not merely eye candy (see Palin, Sarah, she of the starbursts).
Yet, with all this lawlessness running rampant, god forbid a soldier (Dan Choi) say he’s gay on national TV (Rachel’s show). That’s considered a homosexual act, and he got served his walking papers. He knew full well he could get fired by saying, “I am gay” on national TV, but he did it anyway. I think that’s extremely courageous of him, and I am pissed off that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) is still firmly in place.
In general, I don’t see the point in trying to do good and make the world a better place. We have AIG, credit car companies, banks, and other Wall Street types fleecing the American public by the billions, and yet, the foreclosed homeowners are the irresponsible ones. The Masters of the Universe who wrecked our economy still got their bonuses, and many of them still have their jobs. The Dugger family, that crazy-shit Mormon family with eighteen kids, just had their oldest child have a baby of his own at age eighteen. Well, his wife had it, of course. This crazy-shit family has a reality TV show, and they get to go on the Today show every time the wife spawns. Why? Why the exposure just because she’s exceptionally fertile? Then, of course, there’s OctoPussy Mom with her fourteen kids. She is in the process of getting her own reality show, too.
Why the fuck should I try to conserve or do the right thing? What difference can I possibly make? My dad says he does the right thing so he can look in the mirror and be ok with himself. Well, I rarely look in the mirror because I don’t like the way I look. I am not ok with myself, no matter what I do, so why bother trying to do the right thing?
In addition, I miss being with someone. 93% of the time, I am fine and happy living on my own. Now is not that time. I wonder what the fuck is so wrong with me that I can’t find someone with whom I can mate? I know I have weird standards such as not living together and not getting married and not necessarily being monogamous, and that narrows down my option. In addition, I have a tendency to pick people who are noncommittal so I don’t have to face my own commitment issues.
Still, I once did the math, and there should be approximately ten million people with whom I should be able to amicably co-exist. I would like to have the whole fall in lust thing since I’ve never done that, and, of course, I would like to have hot, raw, passionate sex on a daily basis.
I am not in that place, however, where I can be receptive to loving and being love. I fear that I might never be.
I feared the same thing and then one day out of the blue, life changed.
Everyone has their Mother of Pearl of Goodness Minna. You’ll find yours and if you don’t, it will find you.
When you least expect it!
If you’re anything like me, you don’t realize just how much you impact people around you.
whabs, like I said, I am fine being alone most of the time (actually more than fine because I am pretty selfish in how I like to live my life), but I think I am likely to run from someone who might actually be good for me.
As for my impact–I just don’t see what difference it makes in the long run. In fact, I don’t see what difference life in general makes in the long run.
Yeah, maybe in the grand scheme of things we’re just mitochondria, and all the meaning we strive for doesn’t amount to much. But even mitochondria are part of the big picture. I look at it this way – I don’t know if what I’m doing will amount to a hill of beans in the future, but it might. I’ve slowly come to realize that I am a positive influence on many women I’ve come to meet over the last few years, even if it feels entirely undeserved. I’ve decided that my sphere of influence is to show that even a schlub like me can find some purpose.
Minna, you’re an excellent writer, and a brilliant, independent thinker – two badly needed qualities in this world. And you’re beautiful! I’m grateful that you continue to study with me – not just because of our chats 🙂 You’re an excellent student. And some day, you will kick ass in every imaginable way.
Julie, thank you for your kind words. I know sometimes I think too much as an excuse not to do anything, but I really struggle with the bigger question of why we are here.
I think I would be better off if I just acknowledge that I may never know and move on. The problem is, I am not good at sitting with the unknown. I have come to terms with it in the case of a higher being, so perhaps I can do the same here.