Shoes. Platform shoes. I love ’em. They give me a few inches of height without being as dangerous for me as stilettos. They give me the wiggle without endangering my running ability. They add sass to my walk and a touch of jaunt to my jiggle.
Oh, shit. Sorry. That was a pleasant digression, but not the point of this entry. First of all, I got a comment from a birfer going by the name of “Jack”. I am not publishing the comment because then the nutjob will have limitless access to commenting on my blog, and I don’t want that. Instead, I will produce it here so I can point at, laugh at, and mock it:
“The time lines, places, actions, motives, when analyzed, support, and are consistent with, what is the answer to the Obama birth puzzle:
Obama’s grandmother is his mother and his mother is his sister.
Think about it. Review all the facts and claims. ”
My dear, dear commenters. Let’s all turn to Jack and laugh uproariously in his face. I mean, I thought I had heard it all with this birfer shit, but this, this just takes the fucking cake. Dude, if you’re a parody troll, then my hat is off to you because this is fucking brilliant in its lunacy. It pushes aside the whole Obama’s father is a Kenyan who diabolically plotted to impregnate a white woman in Kenya before arranging for Barack Obama’s fake birth announcement to be placed in the Hawaiian papers so that forty-plus years later, Barack Obama could hoodwink all of America and become President of the United States. It doesn’t even bother to address the whole natural-born citizen versus naturalized citizen debate that is raging in the birfer world. Oh, no, this comment is even crazier than all that.
Based on nothing at all, this nutter declares that Obama’s grandmother is his mother and that his mother is his sister. Look at the facts, he says. What facts? The ones he pulled out of his ass? Besides, here’s the thing that keeps coming back to me. Let’s say it was true. Let’s say that Obama’s grandmother, bless her soul, was Obama’s mother. Let’s take it as fact that she was messing around with the milkman who happened to be African American. Let’s say this was true. You know what that does? It completely silences the whole entire fucking birfer movement because both of Obama’s maternal grandparents were born in fucking Kansas!
It boggles my mind that “Jack” would send this theory to me in order to boost the birfer’s claims. I mean, I imagine that’s why he sent it. I could be wrong, but I see no other reason for him emailing this ridiculous crap. Let’s assume that Mr. Trollie believes this crap he’s spewing and that he’s a birfer. Where does his brilliant logical deduction put him? Firmly in the camp of Obama being a natural-born citizen.
What an idiot! “Jack”, I mean, of course, not President Obama.
Heh. The more I read this batshit crazy claim, the funnier it gets.
Ok. Down to brass tacks. My platform.
First of all, I believe in good old-fashioned family values–such as spending time with your children. Such as putting your children’s interest first, so even when you’re tempted to have a hooker dress you in diapers, spank your ass, and call you a naughty boy (yeah, David Vitter, I’m looking at you), you resist because you know as a US Senator that you are gonna get caught doing that shit (pun semi-intended). Vitter released a statement today talking about good ol’ Southern conservative values that he believes his constituents want, and all I could do is picture him in that damned diaper.
Oh, and when I am elected president, I will use the EO to stipulate that if a Republican runs on a family-values platform and is caught in a diaper with said hooker or practicing a wiiiiiide stance in the restroom of an airport (MY fucking airport, no less), then he has to immediately resign. If he pushes against gay marriage or unmarried people (read, gays) adopting children and is caught sexting his underage page or having his parents pay off his mistress’s family to the tune of almost $100,000, he is out of there. And, if a Republican refuses to take stimulus money for his state out of principle while running on a “I am holier-than-thou” platform then flies off on taxpayers’ money to hike the Appalachian Trail, blowing off job-creation meetings in the meantime, he gets the boot before he can even hike back to America.
Why? Because I hate hypocrisy, that’s why. What people want to do in the privacy of their own homes as long as it’s between consenting adults is their business. I only give a shit when the same asswipes who spew about God’s law go around spending taxpayers’ money on their dalliances. Then, it’s not just personal or private–it’s fucking public. Or, fucking in public. Or, fucking the public.
While we’re on the topic, I firmly believe in the separation of church and state. Why? Partly because I don’t believe in fairy tales any longer, but mostly because I find it morally reprehensive for any religion to cram their beliefs down other people’s throats. You want to pray in school? Fine. Just do it to yourself and don’t make me join in.
I believe in safe sex. I believe that having a positive view on sex empowers women to make choices that they truly want to make. I don’t believe in abstinence-only, but I do think that abstinence is absolutely worthwhile to be mentioned in sex education. I believe that there should be a condom on every cock. Look, teenagers are going to have sex. I know, it’s shocking, but it’s true. Teenagers have been having sex since the beginning of our country–except, back then, they were married by the age of fifteen, so it was sanctioned sex. Remember every girl’s fave, Laura Ingalls Wilder? Married at fifteen, first child at sixteen.
It does no good to say they shouldn’t have sex any more than Prohibition stopped the sale of alcohol. No, it just drove the black market. With abstinence-only, it just increases the chance that the girl will get pregnant (or that someone will get an STD) because the teens don’t know anything about contraceptives.
I believe that if marriage is going to exist, then everyone should have the right to marry whomever they want, as long as it’s legal and between consenting adults. I know that many liberals are lukewarm on this issue saying now is not the time. Put aside that now never seems to be the time, I have a proposition to make, then. Since marriage is apparently not that important of an issue right now during the current state of our country, I will use the EO to put a temporary stop on all marriages. That’s right. No one will be able to get married until DOMA is repealed. All the liberals scoffing about the importance of this issue shouldn’t mind, amirite?
I will push for the end of DADT within the first three months of my presidency. I will issue a stop-gap order so that no more qualified soldiers are dismissed for this stupid, antiquated law. I will point out daily that we have a shortage of qualified soldiers since we are currently occupying two countries. We can’t afford to keep letting go of LGBT service people; we just can’t.
In addition, I will introduce a single-payer healthcare plan. It’s time. It’s past time. Any Congress person who complains about socialized healthcare will immediately have his/her health benefits put on hold. I mean, I wouldn’t want an anti-socialist to be forced to accept healthcare paid for by the taxpayers. That just wouldn’t be right, now would it? Since so many of the Republicans and the Blue Dawgs think so highly of the private insurers, I will graciously allow them to partake in the free-market system of healthcare–oh, and they will not be able to accept any discounts from the insurers. That would be socialism, wouldn’t it?
Oh, I would also mandate that every Congress critter spend at least a week of their summer recess doing community service, whether it be volunteering at a homeless shelter or doling out food at a soup kitchen.
Another issue dear to my heart: Women’s choice. I will press the FBI to ratchet up their compliance with existing laws that frown mightily on the scare tactics of the forced-birth crowd. Abortions are legal in this country. It is unacceptable that the doctors who perform this procedure have to endure threats to their lives. It is unacceptable that the women going to have these procedures done have to endure the trauma of the taunting protesters as they (the pregnant women) enter the clintic.
I will study very carefully how I can protect the right to free speech while simultaneously protecting a woman’s right to choose what to do with her life. That’s right–her life. Not Bill O’s or Crybaby Beck’s or Disgrace to Her Race Malkin’s. Every woman’s life is worthwhile–every single one.
Those are my top issues. In addition, my presidential slogan will be:
Minna Hong for President, 2016, Bitchez!
My theme song will be:
Take a Chance on Me by Erasure (yes, I know Abba did it first, but I don’t care).
Oh, and my running mate will be Alan Rickman because as Alex pointed out in the comments from yesterday’s post, it doesn’t really matter who my VP pick is since I don’t expect to win. Thank you for your support.
P.S. I wrote this the day after President Barack Hussein Obama was sworn in. It kinda fits here, too.