Hello. I have not blogged for the past few days for several reasons. One, I am fucking sick and tired of political bullshit, and it’s one of my bailiwicks. Two, I’ve been busy with work and shit, damn it. Three, I’m mulling something over in my mind that I don’t really want to blog about, but I do. But I don’t. But I do.
In the end, I will blog about it because that’s what I do. However, for the first time, I am going to be circumspect about what I say, so be prepared for the vaguest post ever. With that disclaimer out of the way, here I go.
I have been relatively happy for the past few months for several reasons. It’s a new feeling for me, and I had a hard time getting used to it. I don’t trust happiness, you see, because it has a bad habit of coming back to bite me in the ass. In addition, happiness eventually ends in tears. In the past, I would decide that whatever possibility of happiness I might be offered was far outweighed by the surety of pain that was to follow. For the most part, I stayed in my safe little world, shielding myself from any potential pain–which meant shielding myself from any potential pleasure as well.
The beginning of the change was when I finally got up my courage to blog. I had so much shit running through my mind that I had to let it out somehow. Words have always been my friends, my allies, my comfort, my solace, and my home. I decided I might as well use them to my advantage, and so, this blog was born. It took me many months to get it up and running (including a complete rehaul of the whole damn thing), but I finally reached a point where I felt ready to share my blog with the world–or at least a really tiny sliver of it. I let a few friends know that my blog was up. Then, a few more. Then, I posted a link on the home page of my FB profile. After a few months of that, I took a deep breath and started posting my URL on various political blogs on which I commented.
To my amazement, people actually read my blog and commented on what I’d posted. I began to see that what I had to say was worthwhile–that is, people were interested in my ramblings. It surprised the hell out of me because I spent most of my life desperately trying to keep my opinions to myself. I thought no one would give a shit or that my opinions were too out there to be of any importance. Never did I dream that I would have a small, fierce cadre of readers who were passionate about my blog. It was an eye opener, to be sure, and it really boosted my confidence in, well, me.
I started to realize that I could voice my opinions and be supported. Other people actually agreed with me, and those who didn’t were, for the most part, civil in tone when they disagreed. It was refreshing, and quite frankly, a bit heady for me to realize the impact of my words.
Because of those words, I found myself in a situation that I never dreamed I would encounter. It was outside the realm of my imagination, and as you all know, I have a pretty fertile imagination. In this situation, I marveled at how easy it felt to me, even though I had never traveled down that path before. I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall because in my hard-won wisdom, the other shoe invariably falls. I accepted that it had to happen, so even as I enjoyed my new experience, I kept one eye open for the pushback.
It came, in a matter of fashion, with the realization that what I had perceived to be true, while mostly true and as true as it could possibly be at the time, was not, in fact, reality. It was no one’s fault, except, most likely, my own. There were no lies told, no pretense as to what was actually happening. In fact, everything was in synch for much of the journey. I rarely find anything easy because it’s in my nature to do things the hard way, but in this case, the road was smooth. Sure, there were potential pitfalls, but I was clear-eyed as I chose to travel down this particular road. I was honest as I could be along the way, and I felt that I had a good grasp on what was happening.
There was one thing I had forgotten, though. You see, things don’t stay the same. A situation rarely remains static, and change is inevitable. So, while the premise of my recent journey was sound at the time when I embarked on it, it has shifted now. Or rather, my emotions have shifted now. The end of the journey has not shifted. The beginning of it has not shifted. Even the course itself has not shifted. No, what has shifted is me–along with my damn emotions.
When the other shoe dropped, I realized that I had been viewing the journey through a slightly skewed lens. Rather, I had filled in the lines with a slightly rose-colored crayon. My perception of my role in the journey had been inflated in my mind. I had given myself more importance than had been warranted, and it saddened me to realize that I had made this error. It had been a miscalculation on my part, and it wasn’t easy for me to accept that I had made that mistake.
I grieved. I cried. I wondered how I could be so stupid. I knew better–I really did. I usually look at the negative side of things, so it’s rare that when I do make a mistake of this nature, it’s because I am being optimistic. I hurt. I cried some more. Then, I let it go. I looked at the journey with a clear mind once again, and I saw what really lay ahead of me instead of what I wanted the future to look like. I brushed away the fairy dust so I could assess what was really going on and how I was going to continue on with my journey because I wasn’t stopping or turning around–that much I knew. The journey was still one I wanted to take; I just had to change my mindset as to how I would continue on.
I reconfirmed to myself that this is still a worthwhile journey. It still makes me exceedingly happy, though it is tinged with sadness. I adjusted my perceptions so that they fit with the reality, and that mitigates much of the soreness in my heart. See, it’s not how important I am or am not in this journey because I am an integral part of it. It’s just that I will be sad when the journey comes to an end. I accept that there will be pain at the end of the road, even as the journey has given me an abundant amount of joy, pleasure, and, yes, sheer happiness along the way.
This is the way of life. This is the way it has to be. I accept it, and I am grateful to be on this journey for it’s exactly where I need (and want) to be right now. In the end, I know I will look back with great fondness on this journey and remember it as one of the best experiences of my life.