Who Let the Girls Out?

j0227658Freeeeeee!  Wahoo!  I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs–and I can!  I can do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want, and there ain’t no one to say boo about it!  Except for my cats, and they don’t say boo–they just hiss when they disapprove.

Why am I blathering on and on about freedom?  Because, ladies and gentlemen, my mom went back to Taiwan this morning after a six-week visit, and oh, do I feel fine!  I love my mom.  We get along fine for the most part.  Yes, we clashed on the weight issue, but I expected that.  She didn’t mention me making teh bebes even once, and that’s a HUGE step for her, considering that last time she said, half-jokingly, that I could adopt a black baby to match my cats.   She hasn’t given up on me getting married, though.  Still, she wasn’t obnoxious about it, so we’ve come along way, baby.

Why, then, do I feel so liberated today?  First of all, six weeks is a damn long time, no matter what.  I like living by myself, so adjusting to anyone living in my space for any length of time is weird.    Less than a week, yeah, I am fine with that.  More than a week, and I start tweaking.   Six weeks?  I’m ready to poke my eyes out with a rusty fork.

Second, it’s damn tiring because the amount of activity I do increases tenfold.  Ok, not quite that much, but still.   We saw the family many times.  We had the niece sleep over one night, and the middle nephew sleep over another night.   We went to meetings.  We went shopping.  Good lord did we go shopping.  We went for walks.  We worked outside gardening and stuff.  We went out to eat.  The fact that there was such a disruption in my daily schedule most likely accounted for my night disturbances as well.

Third, I had to get used to someone talking at me whenever she wanted.  I am someone who prefers silence first thing in the morning and first thing when I return from some place.  I need to decompress.  Plus, let’s face it, living alone has spoiled me for chitchat.  I talk to my cats, and they talk to me, but that’s it.  That’s the way I like it.  I am in my own little world when I am at home (yes, I am the queen of my castle), and I am comfortable admitting that.

It’s hard for me to adjust to someone else’s way of doing things.  I am a tad CDO (shut up, yes, just a tad!), and it discombobulates me when I have to change my routine.  I find it comforting to plan out my day, even if I don’t follow my plan to a T.   On bad days, it physically pains me to deviate from my outline.  On my better days, I just have to think about it really hard for a minute or two.  I am not very good at compromising, so having to find a way to interact with my mother on a daily basis was not easy.

And, let’s be honest here.  I have to mute much of my personality when my mother is here.  I don’t curse around her other than an occasional damn.  Now, I don’t curse in real life nearly as much as I curse online, but I still do swear every now and again.  In addition, my mother is a devout Christian, so there is that divide between us as well.  Everything I’ve done with my life up to this point (except major in psychology in college) has been a repudiation of her life, and I feel that keenly when she is here.

Once, when she was deep in the throes of wanting me to reproduce, I considered for a nanosecond having a baby just to make her happy.  Fortunately, good sense slapped me across the face in order to remind me that that’s a terrible reason to have a child, but it shook me that I had thought about it–even for a second.  I know that my failure to give her grandchildren still bothers her deeply even if she’s resigned herself to it.  That is often in the air between us when we’re together.

This time, her other pressure point was trying to persuade me to become a therapist.  Now, I know I would be a good therapist if I could learn to properly shield myself from the negative emotions around me.   I have all the skills needed to be a therapist–I would just need the training.  I have thought for years about going back to grad school in order to get my Psy.D. (equivalent to a Ph.D.  for clinical practice)  in clinical psychology.  I have gone as far as to research schools.

However, I have realized that it’s not meant to be.  I have no desire to be a psychologist in this lifetime, no matter how good I’d be at it.  Once again, I mostly was doing it for my mother.  I mean, I would be good at it, and I would get some fulfillment out of it, but it’s not my calling.  Again, I can’t help but feel I’m disappointing my mother by not wanting to follow in her footsteps.

Finally, now that she is gone, I can be as nekkid as I wanna be.  Right now, I am blogging topless because I can and because it’s fucking hot here.  Yes, I have a fan going, but it’s still stuffy in my computer room.  I have the music cranking as loud as I want it, and I don’t have to worry about disturbing my mother.  If I want to take a bath at three in the morning, I can (and I probably will).  If I want to have someone spend the night, I can.  If I want to spend the night out of the house, I can.

I can be 100% unfettered ME, and that feels so sweet, indeed.

13 Responses to Who Let the Girls Out?

  1. Hooray for your freedom! Glad you finally have it, and I can tell you really appreciate it. I’m ready to poke my eyes out with a rusty fork after only THREE days with my ‘rents. Keep on with your topless blogging!

  2. I was suspecting that your mom’s visit is at least partly what was making you go through so many emotional upheavals.
    If true, I think the buttons she pushed simply by being there and making you think, change, alter, adjust, mute etc. your own life, were actually good for you because you came out of them with more respect for Minna.
    Happy Friday.

  3. I had a similar experience this summer. Five and a half weeks (we cut it short, don’t you know) with my parents and my children in an RV, no matter how big, and the front of an extended cab pickup, is trying. But it was a learning experience, at least for those of us young enough to still change. I watched my mother interact with my girls and realized where alot of my issues come from. It was difficult staying in the adult me and not reverting back.

    And since my parents are tea-totalers, I refrained from drinking except for a beer when I took the girls out to eat by ourselves in Anchorage. I the way home from where they are staying this summer, I bought a bottle of red wine, any red wine, with a screw top so I could drink it when we stopped at the hotel the first night. Luckily the liquor store had a nice Black Opal with a screw top.

    Enjoy your freedom! It was well earned!

  4. I have a lodger, but it’s so fucking good to wander around naked when she’s out, and I also swear far more online than I ever do IRL.

    Heh…I’m also posting topless – but that’s hardly new, y’all have had me post comments showing my nipples 😉

  5. Crystal — you seem like a really sweet person, and I realize that we don’t know each other, so please take with a whole margarita glass rim of salt. But girl? You are anuttier than a fucking fruit cake. 5 WEEKS? In an RV? With kids and parents? Oh my god, I would’ve found the nearest bridge and hopped off.

    I don’t know if I should admire you, be scared of you, or call the little men in the rubber truck for you.


  6. LOL
    Crystal is a really sweet person with a loud opinion. She also however realizes that everyone has an opinion and they are entitled to it, but you have to use the actual facts to get there.
    Having said that, I’d have put myself on a Hepburn lock and a Valium drip.

  7. I’m just not sure there are enough drugs on the planet to allow me to survive that. I can handle my mother for a few hours at a time, and that’s really about it. I did a weekend last year, and even that, at the end of it, had me frazzled. I simply cannot fathom 5 weeks with either or both of my parents -and- the Kellions. They’d be fine, but they’d slip from their “grandparent” behavior into their normal behavior pretty fast, and then all hell would break loose.

    Crystal, if I was wearing a hat, I’d doff it in your direction. You’re a better woman than I am!

  8. LOL, maybe I’m lucky. My mom lives with me and has for the last 5 years. She is absolutely the best room mate I have had. My younger sister lives with me as well and this is where the bumps have been.
    All in all we are doing better now than we have the last two years, but a lot of it is the arrival of my daughter, who will soon be joining the generational fold and joining us.
    Still, to imagine myself locked in a tin can on wheels with my beloved family non stop for 5 weeks is frightening!

  9. Choolie, damn right. As someone who greatly prefers her solitude, it really took a toll on me to have someone around all the time.

    whabs, you are so right. Lots of my emotion turmoil was because she was here. Fortunately, this time I was in a place where I wasn’t just instinctively lashing out and reacting to her. I actually took time to stop and think, and therefore, it was easier to deflect some of the inherent criticism.

    Crystal, I gotta join in the general admiration for you being strong enough to be with parents AND kids for almost six weeks in an RV, and without the aid of alcohol. That really does take a lot of patience and tongue-biting.

    snee, I think you and I are a lot alike. Really. If you’re ever on this side of the pond in the Midwest somewhere, give me a shout-out, and I’ll buy the first round.

    Kel, you had me snorting out loud at your first comment. That was so damn funny. But, am I gonna have to separate you and whabs?????? The synergy between the two of you is scary.

    Kel and whabs, I can’t imagine being locked up with my parents and my imaginary children for that long. It would be very bad for all of us–especially for little Aurora and little Morpheus.

  10. Heck no…no separating. Whabs and I are gonna go drinking one of these days and drag you with us! =)

    Amazing women need to stick together anyhow. I swear, we could run the world if we could just get rid of those pesky boys! Just stick ’em in the harem for Minna and we’ll be good.

    (Yes, guys, I am kidding about getting rid of you!)

  11. Kel, that is true. Put us strong, powerful, fierce women together, and we may conquer the world yet. You may be kidding about getting rid of the guys, but I hope you aren’t kidding about the harem for Minna part!

  12. The harem is yours, Minna. You can even tie bows around their uh…necks…to color code them for which days you want which talents in bed. =)

    “Hmmm. Mondays can be when I get tied up, Tuesdays can be when I tie him up. Wednesdays we’ll have a group adventure, Thursdays will be Toy Day…”

    Lord, I can almost see it!