The Fastest Way (in)to My (Hypothetical) Panties

Guys fascinate me; they really do.  Why?  Because for many of them, a woman is doable, no matter how skanky, stupid, vapid, cruel, or crazy she is.  Hell, for some of them, that’s just a bonus.  In the political world, even progressive guys will say something like, “Michele Bachmann’s crazy, but I’d do her.”  The same goes for Sarah Palin.  On BJ, I have tried to get guys to explain this phenomenon to me, but no one has given me a satisfactory answer.  Biology, fucking the crazy out, it adds to the adventure–yeah, ok.  Whatever.

I have come to the conclusion that I shall never know.  The reason I am musing about this is because I am pretty much the exact opposite of this.  If I find someone’s politics, ideas, or behaviors repulsive, I am not attracted to that person.   Stupidity is a huge turn-off, as is venality, cruelty, and batshitcraziness.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s talk about what I like in my men.  I can talk about physical attributes like a nice chest (I always notice the chest first in people.  Unlike guys, though, I can be discreet when checking out a woman’s breasts) and a nice ass.  I notice a person’s hands, eyes, and mouth.  However, all that can be perfectly fine-looking, and it don’t mean a thing if the person cannot carry on a conversation.

What really turns me on?

Intelligence.  Humor.  Wit.  A passion for something other than me.  Since I am a woman of words, I respond to aural stimulation of the most delicious.  Written as well.  I like verbal foreplay almost as much as I like the actual thing.  Well, ok, I wouldn’t go that far, but witty repartee will go a long way with me.

So.  I have tried the personals from time to time when I just want a hook-up.  I would prefer to meet someone in person, but I’m a bit past the bar-hopping scene.  Since I am comfortable on the internet, why not use it to my advantage?  I’ll tell you why–because guys are goddamn fucking lazy.  I am making a broad generalization here, but MN guys really need to hone up on their seductive skills.

I have placed personals on The Onion (yes, that The Onion) and more recently, Plenty of Fish with the express purpose of finding a fuck buddy.  This was my personal.

The title: Quick-witted and Deft of Hand

The body:

Turns on this woman and makes the man. I’m not looking for long walks on the beach (I hate getting sand between my toes). I do love the moon, but I can gaze upon her on my own. I am also not looking to be wined and dined, though it might make for good foreplay. You don’t have to bring me flowers or chocolates–wait, yes, you do. You have to bring me chocolate syrup so I can lick it off your body.

I am looking for someone who makes me laugh in and out of bed. Humor is sexy, and so is intelligence. I am looking for someone with stamina and a sense of adventure. I have a very active imagination, and I would be delighted if could match me idea for idea. I need someone who can keep up with me in every way.

I am not looking for a relationship; this grrl just wants to have (lots of) fun. Drop me a line if you’re in the same situation.

The description of the first date:

Witty banter, meaningful glances. Sly looks that heighten the increasing tension. Our mouths may be talking about anything from the weather to politics, but the subtext is more primal than that. We both know what we want; we just want to prolong the anticipation. The conclusion may be inevitable, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy ourselves along the way.

——————————-

See how much thought I put into my ad?  See with what care I crafted it?  Oh, I also said that I didn’t want anyone married or anyone solely seeking a long-term relationship.  Anyway, you can tell how much words mean to me in the ad, right?  If you read a personal ad like that and were intrigued by it, wouldn’t you try to come up with an interesting response?  I would.

Instead, I got, “Hey, what’s up?”,  “Me, too”,  “Let’s hook up!”, and, the closest to imaginative, “I’ll bring the chocolate syrup,” which demonstrated that he at least read the ad.  I got guys ranging from age 18 to 50; I got guys responding from out of state, and, in one memorable response, out of the country.  It was a guy from Spain.  He was awfully cute, but unless he was willing to pay for a round-trip ticket for me to fly out there, it wasn’t going to happen.  I got married men and single men.  I got men whose ads said they weren’t looking for intimate encounters, only longterm relationships.  I got responses from men who were crazy about the Asian women.  I got responses from couples wanting to do threesomes.

What I didn’t get was one single response that made me laugh, smile, think, or linger over a well-crafted phrase.  I understand that, yeah, it’s a lot of work for what amounts to a booty call, but then don’t fucking answer my ad if you’re not willing to put some time into your response.   By the way, just a nitpick–it’s discreet, not discrete.  Had to say it.  Now, back to my rant.

I have friends tell me that my standards are too high when it comes to sexing for fun.  I suppose, but if I’m bored–what’s the point.   I almost turned down the most beautiful man I’d ever met in my life (most beautiful person, really) after he started talking idiotically (like a kid).  Fortunately, he reverted to adult elocution so I could shag him, but I was thisclose to telling him, “Right now, you’re getting laid.   Keep talking like that, and you aren’t.”

The problem is that even for a hook-up, I want to be intellectually-engaged.  I’ve had sex with people who were, ah, shall we say, less than scintillating (and I don’t mean simply brainy), and it was such a disappointment to me.  For me, brains, humor, and wit are such big turn-ons, I don’t even want to bother if they are not part of the package.

So, what’s a literate, lusty, verbal gal like me gotta do to meet a MN man who can talk as well as he fucks?  Join a book club, I guess.

40 Responses to The Fastest Way (in)to My (Hypothetical) Panties

  1. Go to a place where you would share something in common. Book club, open mike nights, events at the library.

    My husband and I met contra dancing, a safe place to flirt but where you could take it beyond that if wanted. There were three or four contra dancers he dated (and more) before me. You’ve articulated what you like, find the venues where others who like those things go.

    And be picky, cause your worth it. It took me 35 years to find the man that treated me the way I wanted to be treated. Just if your picky, be prepared to be frustrated sometimes too.

    Good luck and have fun while you’re at it.

  2. Discrete/discreet – same thing.

    I used match.com for a while – met LOADS of women on there 🙂 actually, still have about 9 on my MSN for future fun 😉

    I dunno why people have hang-ups about sex…it’s perfectly natural, and above all else – IT’S FUN!

  3. I had an ex-gf who was batshit crazy and when I figured it out (finally!), the sexual turn-on went right out the window. I definitely hear you on that one.

    I also hear you on the intelligence thing. We all make typos here and there (although I hate it when *I* do it!), and having been a special ed teacher, I speak fluent typo, so it isn’t a big deal to me. But if I ever got a text that read, “UR hot, C U l8r?” or some such shit, I would vanish like a fart in the wind. I’ve raised my kids to be like that too, which could be construed as discriminatory, but like I’ve told them: Ron White nailed it when he said, “You can’t fix stupid.” Looks can be altered almost at will, but stupid is permanent.

    To that end, a pervasive inability to distinguish between your/you’re, to/too, there/their/they’re (although, that would be “among” and not “between”!), all drive me batty.

    Oh, and Snee? You’re right on the definition, but to me, “discrete” is math and “discreet” is the better part of valor. =)

    I love intelligent people. I think the reason why intelligence is sexy is because there seems to be a correlation between knowledge and creativity. If you can’t argue your way out of a wet paper bag, it would stand to reason that your ability to trip my trigger, so to speak, in the bedroom will be on the same approximate level. Conversely, if you can fascinate me out of the bedroom, I can’t wait to see what you can do between the sheets. (Or with the sheets, or without them….whatever.)

    I also love a sense of humor. Make me laugh, and you have a good shot at least for a second date. It doesn’t have to be overt humor, sometimes playing the straight-man who delivers that deadpan line can bring down the house just as well. But I love to laugh, and in bed too. Because really? Come on. THINK about it. Sex is funny! If you doubt it —

    Take a mini-Minna-blog poll: What’s the funniest thing you’ve ever heard or said in bed? (I’m not staging a coup on your blog, Minna, I promise. Just making a point.)

    You don’t have to post it, just think about it. But I bet you’ll agree that sex really is hilarious.

  4. Oh Kel, you hit it on the head – I detest text speak with a passion, instant turn-off, ditto the your/you’re etc. and don’t get me started on the wrongful use of apostrophes…I actually got banned from a school one time – I was picking up a girlfriend’s kid and noticed a poster on the wall had so many typos, I had to get my pen out and correct them. Apparently this is not the done thing (according to the headmistress). I pointed out that good grammar (and I know I’m not perfect here) is a good thing to have – she fucked me out of the school. And that’s no lie.

    I have my ‘signature’ typos – ; instead of ‘, form instead of from – these are what make me the snee I am…and you know what? I like ’em! 🙂

    Anyway – what colour panties are you wearing? 😀

    What?

  5. My kids had a teacher who would give candy out if they caught grammar mistakes and could show here where they were. (You have no idea how many times I was asked to whip out my digital camera for them while in the store, etc!) But because I do so much editing in my job, I am hyper-sensitive to it as well. I will catch things in brochures, advertisements, and the like, and it will drive me nuts. However, you get the prize for actually having the headmistress run you out on a rail! =)

    I have a mild neuro condition that causes my fingertips to go numb at times, and in those times, my typing is abysmal. If I’m in a hurry and don’t go back to correct, I hope people with *cough* admin privs *cough* will go in and fix them for me. As a rule, typos in my own written expression just piss me off.

    To anwer your question, uh…hang on, I have to look…

    Grey boy-short style with royal blue and kelly green stripes, trimmed in a teensy bit of royal blue lace.

    I often go commando, but not with these shorts. =)

  6. I’m glad you’re trying personals again. But like music or movies, there are only a few gems out there among the duds. And so far, you’ve found mostly duds. Did you at least try to converse with Mr. Chocolate Syrup? His initial response may be terse, but that could just be male directness.

    Otherwise, since your brain is your #1 erogenous zone, I suggest you go out to events and locations that attract other intelligent people: readings, art openings, book clubs, the theater, political events. Not everyone attending will be intelligent, but a higher ratio gives you better odds.

  7. In the first half of this decade, I used to hit the online personals from time to time. I was very selective; I’d skim through hundreds of posts until I found one that seemed like it really might have been penned by a kindred spirit. Then I’d spend time carefully crafting a reply, trying to show that I had the qualities that author said she was looking for, and letting my literacy and sense of humor shine through. I always spent at least an hour on my message, and I went over three hours on at least one occasion.

    Then I pushed “Send,” and nearly every time, the message I spent so much time trying to distinguish myself with disappeared into the ether without ever getting any kind of response. No “Thanks but no thanks,” no “Sorry, I’ve already met someone,” no nothing.

    So I can sympathize with the guys who write back just “Hey, what’s up?” or “Me, too,” or whatever. Probably they’ve figured out what took me so long to get: putting a lot of effort into a reply to a personals ad is stupid when it’s all but certainly a complete waste of time.

  8. I love intelligent people. I think the reason why intelligence is sexy is because there seems to be a correlation between knowledge and creativity. If you can’t argue your way out of a wet paper bag, it would stand to reason that your ability to trip my trigger, so to speak, in the bedroom will be on the same approximate level. Conversely, if you can fascinate me out of the bedroom, I can’t wait to see what you can do between the sheets. (Or with the sheets, or without them….whatever.)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~
    I love this.

    Tis also true about snee, he’s been my spell check for years (nine now)

    Funny things uttered in bed…I once barked, he then flipped me over and barked right back.

    Humor is ESSENTIAL. I guess I figure to be funny, you have to be smart. I know to be witty you have to be quick, which also leads one to think you would need to be smart to be fast on your feet. If you can make me laugh so hard, that I inhale liquid and expel it out my nose, you’re in (notice the proper use of you’re?)

    Hmmm, don’t wear em. Stopped in 5th grade for some reason.

  9. Whabs…hang on a sec. I want to thank you for the compliment on what I said, but I keep getting tripped up by something -you- said.

    You BARKED? I’m sorry…I dissolved into hysterical laughter at that and can’t stop. And then he barked back? I can barely even breathe now!

    But you’re right. There is definitely something appealing about someone who can make me snarf whatever I’m eating or drinking out my nose.

  10. **WOOF WOOF**

    Yep, I barked. He flipped me over, then barked back.

    I have said some absolutely embarrassing things in the heat of the moment that left me asking myself later, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”

    Some of them were absolutely great one liners, but most have been too vulgar to share. Maybe I’ll start my own thread at my place so I don’t muddy up someone else’s blog! 😉

  11. Oh Minna, forgive me, but this posting cracked me up! I say from the relative safety of a happy marriage … you need to throw out all of your physical attributes criteria and just look at their thumbs. They will tell you all you need to know as long as you show them how to use it … that is, if that wives’ tale is true … 😉

    Role play. You are the cat. See where I’m going?

  12. WOOF WOOF! YEAH! Thanks, Whabs 😉

    I forgot to mention my funniest sexsound. The one that set me laughing the hardest was the “two-person chest-fart.” Especially in rhythm! HA

  13. In random order. snee, discrete is wrong for this application. I don’t care about the technical definition. It’s DISCREET.

    Crystal, yeah, I agree that attending an event like a progressive art fair or a political rally is probably the best way to go. If I did dancing, I would probably take salsa classes.

    As for being picky, I already am. Too much so, some say.

    whabs, yeah, I’m thinking New York, my soul city.

    Kel, I agree. There are typos and there’s idiocy. I don’t have a problem saying I don’t do stupid people. We all have our turn-ons and turn-offs, and a lack of curiosity, passion, and, yes, intelligence (and I don’t mean just brains) are some of my turn-offs.

  14. Sean, hi! Welcome to my blog and thank you for your thoughtful comment. You are right, of course, that often times, a response will get no reply. I understand how discouraging that would be. However, I still think if I were answering an ad like the one I just posted, I would take time to craft a careful answer since the person who wrote it is obviously a fan of language.

    snee, I’m not wearing any panties, thank you very much. I prefer to go commando. If I do wear panties, they are black. Always.

    whabs, you barked? Oh my god. That is the funniest thing ever! I don’t think I have anything that can top that. Let’s see…funny…well, there’s the obvious involuntary farting and bumping of body parts that are not meant to be bumped. I have forgotten my name before, which is pretty funny when I have to ask the other person what my name is.

    Or when I can’t finish saying, “Fuck me” because it just feels too damn good. That is pretty funny, too. Still, I’ve never barked. I think I would completely lose it.

    Oh, and you don’t have to worry about dirtying up my blog. I mean, come on! Look at the topic!

    Choolie, that was an old ad. I am thinking of tweaking it before posting it again. You’re right, though, that it’s better to get out there to literary events and such. I’m much better face-to-face than I am online, even if I’m not quite as forward in real life.

    Bobbi, OK, I got the thumb thing, but the cat thing? Not seeing it. Enlightened me, please. I don’t really have physical attributes that are a must for me–it’s alll about the brain, baby.

    Choolie, ah, yes, the chest fart. Who could forget that classic?

    I also sometimes find watching porn funny because it’s so unrealistic.

    Gee, why is it that when I blog about sex or someone comments about sex, the threads are the longest?????

  15. Now, Snee, YOU are the one who started the panties line of conversation, so this whole thing is your fault! =)

    Yes, the chest-fart has happened. I have never barked (or meowed, for that matter!) in bed. I have, however, fallen off the bed, and dislocated my knee hitting a dresser.

    Try explaining -that- injury to your boss.

  16. snee loves panties, that’s why.
    He mentions panties on his blog, my blog, bu’er’s blog, and now Minna’s blog. He also talks panties in chat rooms. He is just into panties. (lil white cotton ones)

    Is that odd that I know his taste in panties?

    Hahahahaha at sexing injuries. I only laugh because I recently had one. First person I have been with in six years and wouldn’t you know it…I threw my back out and could barely walk for a week and a half.

    Minna…my sweet, I don’t want to be the one to bring your blog to a new level of low by busting out with my famous filthy lines.
    You first. **evilggrin**

    Oh and my blog does that too, my lust posting got a lot of comments, and many postings where sex is mentioned once. Just goes to show how many horndogs I know.

    I thought twice about my “Sex-o?” post before I posted it, but later was glad I did because it was funny as hell that bu’er reported on giving her hubby a blow job two threads later and out of the blue. Then I come to find out you and snee want to get a wife.

    I’m gonna go make some coffee.

  17. snee, if you can’t handle the truth, then don’t ask, and we won’t tell! By the way, what color undies do you wear, and boxers or briefs?

    Kel, oooh, oooh, you’ve reminded me. I’ve purred in bed. Sexing makes me feel like a kitty sometimes….(Yes, that path is wide open).

    whabs, I didn’t see any egregious errors, but I tweaked a few things. I like your syncopated style of writing, so I left that as is.

    As for injuries, I forgot that one time, my partner and I tried to have sex in the shower and I pulled the curtain rod down. No one was injured, but the curtain rod sure had a story to tell after!

    As for dirty lines, I’m actually pretty conventional in that area. “Fuck me harder!” “Oh god!” “Fuck me with that big cock!” Although, the first time I saw my first true love naked, I thought to myself, “That thing isn’t fitting in me–anywhere!” Happily, for all concerned, it did.

    Oh, and one of my lovers had a curved cock so I liked to manipulate it (with my hand) like it was a joystick while making ‘errrrrr’ sounds (like I was driving a car). He called me Danica. Heh.

  18. I need the link to Whabs’ blog too!

    One of Steven’s roommates in college would have sex with his gf while we were trying to sleep. Once, Scott’s gf said, “Baby, fuck me like you mean it!” And all I could think was, “Girl, if you have to -tell- him to do that, you need a new man!”

    I agree, Snee. If you want to know about our unders, you need to share about yours!

  19. Kel, heh heh. That’s funny. whabs’ blog: Either click on her name or follow the link over to the left. New on the internets, are you?

  20. snee, nope, not gonna get the edit. I like the way you teasingly unfold your color choice of briefs. It stays! But, I gotta ask–why not red?

  21. Off Topic, but this happens when when you don’t get new threads up. Hahahahaha. I have an evil plan for your next new thread too! **rubs hands together**
    mmmmmmmmmmmmm
    sweet tarts
    The ONE thing I LOVE about Halloween approaching.

  22. whabs, oh man. You’re making me nervous because I’m about to blog. I have been getting pressure for a new entry, and I have a topic, so why not? However, I am a leetle skeered of your ebil plan….

    Speaking of Halloween, my niece is going to be Luna Lovegood from the Harry Potter series. She wants me to be Bellatrix LaStrange from Harry Potter. Heh.

  23. whabs, well crap. Don’t let me down now! I’m still blogging. I guess not having done it in a few days really revved me up.

  24. I still say you ought to check out a contra dance.

    And we’ve discussed this, but for the record, I find Palin and Bachmann repugnant. Far too repugnant to find them in any way attractive.

  25. Gregory, I know, I know. Contra dancing is your mantra! And, that even rhymed–sorta.

    As for your attitude towards Palin and Bachmann, sadly, I think you are among the minority of even the most progressive men.