Eros or Thanatos, Part Deux

Ed. Note: This is a continuation of sorts from the entry posted below.  It would make more sense if you read that one first, but it’s not necessary.  This can be read as a stand-alone.

I woke up today feeling like a completely different person than I was yesterday.  The sky was a soft, light blue–the kind that you could almost wrap around a paper cone and call it cotton candy.   The clouds were fluffy and white and looked like I could go bouncy bouncy on them.  For once, I had slept decently–two three-and-a-quarter hour chunks, and I would have slept more if I didn’t have to get up to go to therapy.   I felt tired as hell when I woke up, which is much better than batshitcrazy mind-numbingly exhausted to tears.

I give props to Kel and Gregory for helping me through an especially difficult day yesterday.  Sometimes, a gentle kick in my nonexistent ass is exactly what I need to just make it through the worst of time.  Well, the nudge accompanied by a healthy dose of compassion and love, and my sleeves (to wipe my eyes).  They made me list ten things I loved about myself (ok, coaxed and cajoled) and just basically listened to me vent.  Neither of them will let me get away with shit, which is also needed because I am very good at talking shit to myself and believing it.

Here are the ten things I listed that I love (or really like) about myself.  I was able to come up with the first two rather easily, but the others were more difficult.

  1. My mad writing skillz.
  2. My intelligence.
  3. My hair.
  4. My tats.
  5. My eyes.
  6. My sexual prowess (in bed!).
  7. My compassion, especially for underdogs.
  8. My dark and twisted sense of humor.
  9. My passionate nature which leads me to have many opinions.
  10. My smile.

I stumbled over this video, a cover of What a Wonderful World by Joey Ramone.  I was looking for a song about how colors are popping, and this one fit.  Plus, the message is similar to the one I’m trying to absorb today.  Yesterday, when I was so depressed, everything was gray in my mind.  Even though the outside weather was pretty similar to what we have today, all I could see was gray.  Today, the sun is hot, white, and so sparkly shiny.  The tree leaves are green, red, orange, yellow, and brown.  I have the whole palette available to me today, and it’s amazing what a difference it makes.

Ok.  Therapy.  I was talking to my therapist about falling back into the depression yesterday and knowing that I had to choose between life and death.  She said I did by turning off the car, but it went deeper than that.  During my lost years, when the landscape was gray more often than not, I always told myself that if things got too bad, if things got too painful, if things got too intolerable, I could always kill myself.  I put it in my back pocket, so to speak.  It helped me exist to know that I had given myself permission to cease to exist at any moment.

That was then.  This is now.  See, back then, I was existing.  I was holding on.  I was enduring.  I was surviving.  97.2% of my days were gray (and I picked that number because it’s my current temperature.  Yes, I’m weird.  So what?), so I didn’t really miss the color.  How can you miss something you didn’t have in the first place.

Now, however, I have seen the colors.  For the past six to eight months, I have seen the full panoramic view of brilliant, intense colors, and I am no longer content to settling for gray.  I want scarlets and emeralds and indigos and midnight blues.  I want tangerines and sepias and marigolds.  I don’t want pastels because they are too pale, but I will take the bold and the deep.

My therapist made a comment about Eros vs. Thanatos.  Eros is the desire to live fully and passionately.  Thanatos is the death drive.  The two are pretty much opposites of each other.  Now that I have tasted Eros (minds out of the gutter, folks), Thanatos will no longer do.  Worse yet, by keeping that option in my pocket (literal or figurative death), I cannot fully embrace Eros.  What was a safety net for me before is now a hindrance.  As long as I even pretend to think going back to numb or dying is an option, I will not step bravely forward into the unknown.

It has become a crutch.  As seductive as the death membrane is, it is a very permanent solution.  It’s not something I can try and then decide, “Oh, this really isn’t for me.  I think I’ll go back to living.”  Death is a one-way ticket (though there may be something on the other side), and there are no do-overs (sadly, I do not believe in reincarnation).

In addition, it’s wishful thinking to think I can go back to being frozen, which would be a death of sorts.  I would have to lop off so many parts of myself to cram back into that lifeless corpse.  I am not willing to do it.

So.  I have to decide.  I am a sensuous person who mightily enjoys the bodily pleasures of life.  Food, performing on stage, dancing, and sex.  I love the  feeling the juices of a ripe plum dribbling down my chin or my nipples tightening because it’s twenty below zero and it makes me feel so alive.   I love feeling like I’m going to throw up right before I step on stage, followed by the adrenalin high of performing that is unlike any other feeling.  I love putting on a sexy little black dress and platform heels, and going to the clubs with my best girl so I can flaunt what I got to the latest hottest song.  I love the sensations of warm flesh pressed against mine, every pore of my body open and singing.   And, god help me, I love the pure ecstasy of cumming.

See, it’s not just about living.  It’s not even about surviving.  It’s about thriving; it’s about living life in a rich, luxurious, sumptuous, sybaritic way that stimulates and thrills all of my senses.  I am a lusty, passionate, hedonistic woman who has been stifling herself for far too long.

Eros or Thanatos.  Life or death.  There is no compromise here.

8 Responses to Eros or Thanatos, Part Deux

  1. Excellent. =) I like your list. And I’m just gonna ignore that other little post. Not because I don’t love you or because I don’t care, but because it was a momentary trip on your path (which you knew would happen) and I’m not going to give the damn demons the attention they seek.

  2. Here, here, Kel! Minna, that list is accurate and excellent.

    I am glad that more often now you are able to have days in which you can see that the road behind you is not inviting, and that it is actually behind you. For awhile, you could only see it as a hamster wheel, despite our comments to the contrary. And I am especially glad that you finally had some restful sleep!

    I do want to comment on one thing from that other entry: When you are down you only desire to fight for others against their oppression. But I and the others have to fight for ourselves, or we will all be lost. We want to see you as a comrade in battle, out there on the front lines for yourself, fighting your demons as we fight ours. Those who you may see as helpless often are not. I may have been unable to fight directly when I was little, but still I fought to save myself in any way I could. And so did you, or you wouldn’t be writing these things now. The truly helpless reject ALL help.

    Keep it up, you awesome hedonista!

  3. I did but only long enough to tell them to fuck off and ruffie them in a corner.
    When you start seeing the colors, you then realize you are bigger than you were before and yes, it does feel impossible to fit the new you back in the old you.
    You just have a few shadows of you to get out of the way and the fit, will be like that of a nice pair of perfect jeans that flatter you in all the right ways AND feel good when you wear them.
    Of course I could be wrong and blowing smoke out my ass, but that’s what is was like for me, and I never saw any smoke.

  4. Kel, thanks for helping past that particular little trip. I know that you will pull me along when need be. In fact, I count on it! Damn needy demons.

    Choolie, when I mean fight for others who can’t fight for themselves, I’m speaking politically. I have every faith that all y’all can kick some mighty demon ass on your own (‘specially you). I am ready to take up my armor again. I just have to remind myself that it’s gonna be a long fight.

    whabs, yeah, you tell ’em demons! I can’t find any jeans that fit, but maybe one day. Yeah, the new me doesn’t much like the old me’s shape. I never saw you blowing smoke, either, so I’ll just nod along with you.

  5. I’m so happy you’re feeling this way, Minna, especially right after your down day (which, need I add, you did survive, hard as it may have been). It may be a long, hard fight, and you’ll possibly have other grey days, but you know what you want and realize how many things there are to love about you. The Doughboy Demons are wrong, and if you don’t give them any help, they’re the ones who are doomed. You’re walking a hard path, but you’re walking it and it’s leading to where you want to be.

  6. Like your list. Hope it’s not in order of priority. I think 7 & 9 should be closer to the top near intelligence because those are the qualities of yours that I love best and shine the brightest. 🙂

  7. Yay for the good days!

    I’m sorry about the bad day yesterday, but there will always be bad days — the question you’re asking is if you’re going to let them take over your life. Your answer is clearly “No” (or maybe “Fuck, no!”)… and maybe that’s a part of why today is one of the good days.

    Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. And there will be bad days coming up — but hopefully they’ll be fewer and fewer. (And then maybe you’ll just have bad hours instead of whole bad days!)

    But in the meantime, let’s savor and celebrate days like today!

  8. Gregory, my problem is that I think the Demons CAN win without any help from me. It’s a daily struggle. The path is very hard, and I am not sure it’s gonna lead to where I want to go. I just know that the old path leads to nowhere.

    Rubo, the list is in order of how I came up with the items. I had to struggle to find more than two. Thank you; it means a lot to me.

    Alex, damn right yay for the good days. And, yeah, there will always be bad ones, unfortunately. Bad hours would be nice instead of bad days. Then, maybe bad minutes. I can but (not) dream.