All right. Now that I’ve thrown my fantasy wishlist for 2010 out there, I’m going to try to come up with a more reasonable list. Now, since I tend to be CDO about things, we shall see how well I do. Let me repost the list:
- Lose 100 pounds
- Become self-supporting and self-sufficient
- Buy my own house
- Get back into theater
- Become a published author
- Get my online literary mag up and running
- Get laid
- Start playing the cello again
- Finish the long form in taiji and start pushing hands
- Start dating
#9 is doable.
#4, #7, #8, and #10 are theoretically easy, but psychologically difficult. #2, #3, #5 will, sigh, take longer than a year.
#1 is doable with some strict discipline, as is #6. Got that?
Good. Now, I’m going tho throw all that out and start over again.
Awhile ago, I wrote down my goals in order of priority. I am too lazy to look up the entry, mainly because I suspect that my priorities are different now. And, because since I’m in charge here, I can pretty much write whatever I want.
So. Realistically, this year, I will:
- Get involved in local politics. I have been frustrated with national politics because there seems to be such a limited amount of influence I personally can have on the national discourse. On the other hand, I live in a state where every vote really does count (see, Senator Al Franken, bitchez, as an example), mainly because we loooove our third party candidates. They can expect to get eight to ten percent of the vote pretty reliably, which, obviously, makes it difficult for either of the main candidates to get a majority vote. We have an interesting governor’s race coming up because Ratface Pawlenty mistakenly believes he has a shot at becoming president in 2012 and is not running for reelection (thank god), and I am going to study the candidates and decide for whom I am going to campaign.
- Go to more art/theatre/literary events. One year, I made a vow to go to a performance a month. I did, and it kicked ass. In addition to getting to see Margaret Cho and Eddie Izzard in person, I got to get back into the art scene, which is something I sorely missed. One part of my self-abuse is denying myself the experiences that nourish me as punishment. I feel that if I am not making headway on my more serious goals (such as getting a job and buying a house), then I shouldn’t indulge in things which I enjoy, either. This is obvious bullshit, of course, but it’s hard for me to give myself permission to explore my artistic side if I’m not making considerable progress on the pragmatic shit in my life. Plus, going to artistic/theatrical/literary events increase my likelihood of getting laid/dating.
- Lay the foundation to becoming more self-sufficient. I have to acknowledge that the chances of me having a nine-to-five job is not very high. It’s not particularly what I want, either. I don’t have any dependents (besides two very spoiled kittehs), so realistically, I just need to decide what I need to make in order to be self-sufficient. Buying my own house is on the list of things I plan to do, so that will have to figure into my wage-earnings. I would like to have health insurance through a job, but this is not a deal-breaker for me. I also have to figure out what the goal of me working is. I mean, ultimately, I want to spend most of my working time writing/performing. Since that is my end goal, then finding a job/jobs which make me enough money to subsist until that point is my current aim. Back in my late twenties, I contemplated doing the waitressing thing in order to be a writer, but my parents shot down that idea (class issues there). I don’t think I could be a waitress, but perhaps a barista would be possible. Plus my freelance editing and my work for my bro. Ideally, I just want to be able to cobble together enough to save a little and go out once a month.
- Take the necessary steps to be published. There isn’t much I can do about being published unless I self-publish, so I will do what I can–submit. My pieces! Get your minds out of the gutter. The first step is to find journals which might accept pieces from me. This is harder than you may think. Many literary journals shy away from overtly sexual/ violent writing, which, as you may be able to guess, is right in my wheelhouse. In addition, I need to start *sigh* submitting my novels to agents–after picking one or two novels that I want to shop around right now.
- Finish up all my NaNoWriMo novels. I have done NaNoWriMo for the past three years, and I have eight or nine novels as a result. Two are completely finished. Several are mostly finished. A few are somewhat finished. One or two are barely started. At any rate, they are all very good and need to be circulated. The way I write is pretty different from the standard novel formats of the day, and I think I could find a strong niche of people interested in what I have to write. As long as they have several hours to devote to each novel.
- Lose 100 pounds. I know I will get a lot of flack for this one, but it is doable and safe by health experts’ estimations. A person can safely lose two pounds a week (anything more is muscle and/or water loss), which averages to eight to ten pounds a month. By all the health standards, if I drop a hundred pounds (and yes, I know roughly what I weigh), I will be in my healthy range. Don’t like it? Then talk to the health experts about it! OK, I am being a tad unreasonable. I know that my disordered thinking about eating and food is coming to the forefront again. Therefore, I will amend my statement to 75 pounds in a month. This is eminently doable, and it puts me close to the overweight range for my height, according to all the health experts. I will be going to my therapist tomorrow and then the co-op, so I can revamp my menu. And, yes, I will research eating disorder groups and such to make sure I don’t completely go crazy in this weight loss journey.
- Get laid/date. These two, as I have said before, are not necessarily the same thing, but they are also not necessarily mutually exclusive. I hesitate putting date on the list because I don’t view myself as particularly date-able. Fuckable? Yeah, ok, sure. Mebbe. Especially after I lose some weight. I’m pretty damn good in bed. Date-able? Um, not so much. I am moody as hell, fucked up in the head, have enough issues to choke a horse, sarcastic and snarky, aloof and clingy by turns, and, quite frankly, a PITA much of the time. I wouldn’t date me if I weren’t me, so why would anyone else?
- Start my online literary journal. This one really is about scaling back my expectations. One of the reasons it took me so long to start my blog is because I had this idea in my head of how it should be. I wanted it to be that way from the start (i.e., perfect), which meant I put off starting my blog for years. Not the only reason, of course, but much of it. When I finally did start my blog, I had to re-start it three times, I believe, and I called my brother many times, frantic because I had done something stupid (such as deleted my whole database. Don’t ask. It’s still painful). Now, I am pretty damn happy with the way my blog is. Sure there are a few things I would change, and I’ve had to tweak it heavily along the way (with my bro’s help, of course), but over all, I think it’s a pretty damn good little blog. I had to learn WordPress to run it, and now I’m pretty comfortable with WP (though I hate hate hate the more glaring bugs). Now, my brother says I really need to learn Drupal to do my online literary journal properly, and I’m dragging my feet on learning yet another open source platform (I learned Joomla first, which is really complicated). However, I just have to take a deep breath and plunge in. I will make mistakes along the way, and I just have to deal with that.
- Start playing the cello again. I will have to rent one, which I don’t want to do, but I am not going to invest the money into a nice cello if I decide in the end that I don’t want to continue with it.
- Audition and/or perform. Eek! Will write more about this one later.
This is the general list. I will write yet another list with more specifics at a later date.
P.S. I am keeping Alan Rickman with chocolate, pizza, handcuffs, and a blindfold on my wishlist just because I can.
Hi Minna,
Glad to see that you have made it back. I like your list of goals. Reach as high as you can.
As a fellow (now formerly) overweight person, can I just remind you to be kind to yourself with regards to weight loss? Again, I think that if you are planning to lose that much weight, you need to do it slowly and over time to change your eating (and living and thinking) habits. Otherwise, you will yo-yo which is very bad for your health as well. I think a more realistic to try to lose 100 lbs over two years…
And no need to be perfect about this. You gain some, you lose some during this two year voyage. Don’t beat yourself up over a gain or two. The general trend needs to be down.
And again, sorry to sound like such a commercial but here is what I have used to lose nearly 30 pounds.
http://www.weightwatchers.com
There is no need to go to meetings, if you don’t want to. There is no requirement to share what you have lost or gained in the past week. But it is very inspirational and supportive and keeps you on track/accountable for what you are doing.
I couldn’t go to meetings anymore with job,child,self, husband, life etc…So, I just used the online version of WW. I have continued to lose despite being here in Minnesota for the past 3 1/2 weeks.
Best of luck,
x Sarah
Sarah, yeah you speak wisely. I know the ins and outs of dieting as I have done it many times. My problem is not in the losing, but in the mentality I get along with the weight loss. I know for my own sanity that I cannot do any kind of counting as it very quickly becomes an obsession. As for not beating myself up, yeah, that’s the crux of my problem in general.
I can’t even begin to define how much I miss performing. I haven’t stepped on a stage in.. what, ten years? A little more? Unless you count karaoke (I really, really don’t, because I really can’t sing unless under the influence of rum and/or tequila).
I completely get where you’re coming from re: not partaking in the things you love as some kind of self punishment. I have the exact same mindset. If I’m not reaching whatever kind of bizarre goal I’ve put in front of myself, the things I truly, truly love are put on the backburner. Just another form of beating yourself up.
Do you realize you wrote “75 pounds in a month?” OK, I know that’s a typo. But seriously, as long as you follow up on getting good advice from people who are sympathetic to eating disorders, I fully support you.
Now that I was a ‘little’ snarky, I just want to say the rest of your revised list is excellent and do-able.
Kh, welcome to my blog! It’s great to see you comment here. I hear ya about not being to explain just exactly what NOT performing is doing to you. And, the frustrating thing about not doing what I love because I don’t feel I should until I do what I need to do is that I am not doing the latter, either. So, instead of doing something I really enjoy and feeling guilty about not doing what I need to do, instead, I am doing nothing while feeling guilty about not doing what I need to do. It really is just another way to beat myself up. Again, thanks for commenting. Come back soon, you hear?
Choolie, no, but what a Freudian slip, eh? I am going to leave it like that because I think it’s appropriate.
Freudian slip, indeed! Hahaha. But don’t put off getting laid until after you lose weight. You need to do that NOW!!!
Choolie, sadly, if I could lose 75 pounds in a month, I would.
Getting laid: We’ll see. I’m not feeling very desirable right now, so it’s hard to put myself out there.
You do realize that your Number 2 plus revamping your eating habits a bit plus burning calories during sex will drive your Number 6 forward nicely, right? I’d think that it’s kind of self-propelling too, once you get involved with more of this and that “out there” instead of basically holing up at home. Next thing you know, you’ll check out foods at a farmer’s market or something (you’re in the city where such things exist!!!) which involves some walking, or you can’t live without seeing some exhibition at a museum or whatever which also involves some walking, or you’ll go to political meetings or rallies or – heck, I don’t know about all these civilized things, but you live where you have so many choices of things to be interested in and involved with… and you have the curiosity and intelligence to find the best of it, for you.
As for the job(s) and income, especially if you want to buy a house and deal with home financing and upkeep, I wouldn’t set the bar too low. It pays to be very realistic, believe you me. You do not want to set yourself up for failure in your bid for freedom, right?
That said, somehow I don’t think that you’ll do that… I think you’re on the right track and are thinking things through and will do what you made up your mind to do 🙂 There’s that certain tone in your post, a realistic current of “I can and I will”. I love it 🙂
Cheebus, woman, you’re about as bad as I am.
You are a hot em-effa, and really need to understand that.
About as much as I need to learn to practice what I preach, but we’re going to ignore that because we are talking about HRH Minna the Awesome, and not Artist.
Seriously.
I’ve seen a couple pics of you on this here blog, and was like, “DAMN.” You are gorgeous, and a big part of that is your confidence in other areas of your life. If you can bring some of that “I’m fanTASTIC” over from different parts and put it into that little box in yourself that gives you that perception of your worth based on your looks, you will be unstoppable.
‘Cause really, I don’t give a flying holyshit what they weigh or what they look like if they give off that vibe that says, “You wish you could get some of this.”
Maybe I’m talking to a brick wall here, but that’s just how I see it.
Iratwo, I am glad that I sound confident to you because I sure as hell don’t feel that way. If I could just incorporate your voices (you and my other commenters) in my head instead of the demons, life would be MUCH easier.
The Artist, you are wise. So, I think you should follow what you say. Yes, I know it’s easier said than done. The thing is, much of my projected confidence is just that–projected. Fake it until you make it, so the saying goes. I just have a hard time with the making it part.
Still, I will try to take what you’ve said to heart if you do the same thing for yourself. You are an amazing and strikingly beautiful young woman.
Well, we all can only yak at you so much from the outside. I know very well that inner demons keep their claws hooked firm and tight and are always, always on the alert to discount or disprove or dis-whatever any outside input that threatens their very existence. Mine did that… they started fading slowly when I broke contact with my mother and then later with my father, and it gained some momentum when I worked on developing the habit to be as kind to myself as I am to animals and to people I like. This comes with berating myself in fairly hostile terms when I catch myself being nasty to me. It can get interesting…
“Who the fuck do you think you are talking to me like that???!!”
I think one thing that makes it so much harder for you than for me is that you, by nature, aren’t into the “light, peace, joy” thing. Your aims are different from mine as your approaches are different from mine, so what works for me isn’t very likely to work for you. And honestly, I don’t think you’d want my voice in your head. It would be the equivalent of a cheerful morning person’s voice in my own, which would make me shoot myself with due haste. We may be different in our responses, but let’s not take any chances with provoking deeds of despair, ok?
Iratwo, yeah, you are right about the inner voices being damn hard to kill. And, your point about not talking to your parents underscores the fact that I am feeling so shitty about myself after being with MY parents for eleven billionty days in a row. Ok, ten, but who’s counting?
I need my own damn voice to be stronger. Funny enough, my inner voice, when I can actually hear her, is a lot like yours. Feisty, bitchy, and not willing to take any shit from anyone–including me.
Deeds of despair. I like that phrase.
Um, just keep in mind that once you do a deed of despair, there won’t be anything more to like forever and ever and ever and ever. Like the phrase all you want, but don’t toy with the idea of it. Ok? Your inner voice says the same, I bet.
The parents thing, it saved my life, literally, when I cut contact with my mother. She doesn’t mean any harm, but she’s completely unaware (and unteachable) how she affects people. I still can’t believe that someone can live for – uh – hm… lessee… 76? years and still not understand the connection between “this is what I say” and “these people are hurt/angry/dumbfounded”, but some things you don’t need to understand. Some things just are what they are, and they can’t be changed, and if they threaten your life or your sanity, you may simply (ha!) have to get yourself out of harm’s way.
You’re fully aware how being with your parents for those ten days affected you. As a matter of fact, you’ll have to add the time before and after the trip to those ten days, because you were affected then too. The whole thing is like you putting yourself in a closed room full of asbestos dust for two weeks… or like taking an evening stroll in a really bad neighborhood every day for two weeks… or like eating green fuzzy meat for two weeks… I mean, who would DO that to someone they love??
This isn’t about some emergency where you risk life and limb to save someone else or whatever… you’ve been risking life, limb, sanity, soul, self, everything! for no better reason than trying to please your family. No doubt that’s important to you, but at some point, you’ve got to wonder if it’s justifiable. You have at least as much responsibility to yourself as you have to your family, you know.
Iratwo, oh, do I hear you on your mother. And, to make matters more interesting, mine is a psychologist. Yet, she cannot see how her actions affect other people–mainly me. Because, my blog, blah blah blah.
I know. I get so sad about what we humans do to each other, especially the ones we supposedly love. And, as for my family, yeah. Your analogy is pretty damn accurate. Most people realize at a younger age that the need to ideate and separate is a good thing. I am just dealing with it now. Badly.