I am thisclose to shutting down my blog and walking away. Why? Two political reasons and a host of personal ones. As my faithful readers know, I read Balloon Juice on a daily basis. There is a schism developing there that is pretty much par the course for the Democratic Party, and things really started boiling over during the Healthcare Reform, um, debates for lack of a better word. The thing is, I can see the issues from more than one side, and I think many people are speaking to the truth. However, as I have closely followed politics now for a year, I can say that I am turning out to be more pragmatic than I first thought.
Before the last election, I would have said that I was an idealist, a pretty far-left progressive. Then, after Obama was elected, I realized that I am not as far-left as I thought. However, I am not a centrist, either. Which leaves me…exactly nowhere again. Story of my fucking life that I can’t fit in anywhere. All I know is that I’m not a batshitcrazy Republican rightwinger nor a Blue Dog Democrat. Beyond that, I have no clue as to how to label myself.
It’s getting harder for me to follow politics because I feel that on a national level, my input really doesn’t matter. Anyway, the two things politically that are fucking me up right now. Number one, the special election in Mass. Now, the Dems ran a horrible campaign, just horrible. However, after reading up on both candidates, I don’t know how anyone who isn’t a rightwinger could vote for Brown. I have a friend who lives in Mass (shout-out to Original Jim), and he said many of his female friends were voting for Brown because they didn’t like Coakley and because Brown was cute. WTF? I am sick and tired of strong-willed women dissing other strong-willed women, and voting for someone because he’s cute? Ugh.
Mass. has a rep as a very blue state, but BJers from there have said this is not true at all. It’s kinda like MN in that they vote Democratic on a national level most often, but local politics are more of a mixed bag. In other words, there are many conservatives who live outside Boston (like those here who live outside the Twin Cities).
I am disheartened that after eight fucking years of the W. regime, people have so quickly decided that the Republican way is better after all. Some far-left progressives believe that killing HCR right now is the way to get a single-payer system down the road, and to that end, they support getting in as many tea baggers as possible. It pisses me the fuck off because most of the prominent lefties who are espousing this route have very good insurance of their own, thankyewverymuch. It’s easy to be an ideologue when you don’t have to fear being denied treatment because of a pre-existing condition.
Let me be clear. I don’t mind agitation from the left and holding Obama’s feet to the fire when it comes to important issue. What I do mind is teaming up with Grover fucking Norquist and deciding to run a candidate against Bernie Sanders because he’s a corporate sell-out. Bernie Sanders? Really? The one and only socialist member of the Senate, and he’s a sell-out?
This article is the second political reason I’m really sad about our society right now. I can’t stand that this was done in my name. What’s even worse is that the chances of anyone being prosecuted is slim to none. I was one of the people who thought Obama should have done something about this stuff a year ago, but I could see the point of it being a political shitstorm. However, in the last year, Republicans have been the party of no, anyway, and Cheney (both of them) and McCain are listened to more than any Democrat right now, anyway, so I say, bring it, Obama. More to the point, we have no moral compass as a society as long as shit like this is allowed to go unchecked.
That’s all I am going to say about that because it just disgusts and disheartens me.
Now. On to personal reasons for shutting down this blog. They are somewhat related to the political ones. What the fuck am I accomplishing by publishing my inner musings? Sure, people like to read them (thanks for the hits, guys), but in the end, it doesn’t make a spit of difference if my voice is heard or not.
My demons are particularly loud right now (no Doughboy, please, Gregory), and I am running out of ways to wait them out. What have I contributed to society? Jack shit, that’s what. When I die, what will be my legacy? Not much of anything. I don’t have progeny; I haven’t created something useful to the world; I am shouting in the wind. I have so many things I want to change, and I cannot find the wherewithal to take the goddamn baby steps necessary to make those changes. I am overwhelmed by how much I have to do in order to have a meaningful life.
I have been told all my life how much potential I have. I could be president. I could change the world. I could do something great. Now, here I sit just shy of my thirty-ninth birthday, and what do I have to show for my thirty-eight years? Not a damn fucking thing. I get in my own fucking way and stop myself from doing what I want to, need to, have to do.
I can talk about all the things I need to do and sound oh-so-reasonable about it. I can talk the talk very well. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s fucking talk. I have all this self-awareness and talent and potential, and it means jackshit because I am still locked behind a wall–a wall that is now of my own making.
I can joke and laugh and be charming and amusing and all that shit, and I’m dying inside. I know all the arguments. Would I talk to a friend the way I talk to myself? No. Would I be as mean to anyone else, even someone I loathe such as Rush Limbaugh? No. Would I expect someone else to be able to fix her issues in one-fell swoop? No. Am I a hypocrite because I expect so much from myself? Yes.
I know all that, which, ironically, makes me even madder at myself.
I want to get off the hamster wheel. I really do. I even have moments when I feel as if I can step off the bicycle of abuse and just breathe. I have days of relative calm, days in which I accept that I have a long road ahead of me and that I can’t do it all in one day.
Then, just as I am about to take that one step, the fucking demons appear again, and I am smack dab back in the middle of hating myself. As I am now.
It doesn’t help that my sleep is fucked up, but good. I am really going to have to go on a sleep schedule because this is not working for me at all. I have been up since 10:30 p.m., I have my therapist appointment at 10 a.m., and I can’t fucking sleep. What’s worse, I know if I do go to sleep, I’ll feel even worse when I wake up.
Goddamn it. I knew I shouldn’t have gone back to Taiwan. I thought I could handle it, and by the time I realized that I wouldn’t handle it well, I thought it was too late to back out. Now, I am dealing with the ramifications of being there and with my family for nearly two weeks.
I think about Haiti and all the people who died, who never had a chance in the first place. I think of all the privilege I have (and yes, I know I have lots of privilege), and I am squandering my fucking life away. I am sitting on my fat (flat, but fat) ass, pissing and moaning my life away. I hate myself for that. I really do.
The chatter in my head won’t stop. I look at how fucked up the world is, and I wonder why the fuck I even bother? I don’t know why I’m alive. I gave up a long time ago on finding the Meaning of Life, but now I can’t seem to find any meaning to life (without the capitals). I have friends and my kittehs, true. But, I am missing something inside.
I feel stripped to the bone (and, no, not in a good way). I am engaging in self-harming behavior, and what’s worse, I don’t really want to stop. I can’t help but feel it’s what I deserve. Intellectually, I know I don’t deserve the abuse, but emotionally, I feel I do.
I want to get off the hamster wheel, but I fear there is only one way to stop the noise in my head. I can’t outshout or quiet the demons. In my low points, they only grow in strength. I don’t have the weapons necessary to fight them off.
Back to my blog. I hate writing entries like this because I feel as if I’m asking something to which there are no answers. Thus, it’s very self-indulgent of me to blog about my depression and such when I am unable at this point to accept the excellent advice that y’all give me. It also seems churlish of me.
So. I will let you know, of course, if I decide to shut down my blog, either temporarily or permanently.