A Tangible Expression of Love

i have a twin in spirit
her name is Kel
i haven’t met her in person yet
but one day soon, i will.
she knows i am struggling
so she sent me a Sekrit Weapon
i can wrap it around me when i sleep
so the demons cannot get in.
she poured her heart and love
into every colorful square
i can feel her with me
even when she’s not there.
she sewed in a part of her soul
and part of mine as well
united, the two of us
can conquer all kinds of hell.
tears fill my eyes
as i snuggle beneath the quilt
it means more to me
than any gold or gilt.
i am touched, humbled and awed
she would do such an amazing thing
Kel, i thank you profusely
you have captured my spirit within.

That is me in the picture in the above right.  I am lying on the quilt that Kel made for me.   I took this picture maybe ten minutes after I opened the box.  As you can tell, I am very happy with the quilt.   So are my kitties, but that’s another story.

As anyone who reads this blog knows, I have had something of a shitty…well, month, really.  The last few weeks have been really bad, though, even by my own standards.   One of my main problems is that I don’t sleep well or enough (usually).  When I DO get sleep, I usually sleep too much and/or the sleep is filled with nightmares.   I email Kel throughout the day, so she’s been the one to hear most of my woes.  She knows than sleep is ever-elusive for me.

She also quilts.  I have been envious of her quilts for quite some time.  She would show me pictures of quilts, and I would ooh and aah over them.  She usually told me for whom she was quilting and what she was doing with the quilt.   This time, she talked about a quilt, but she didn’t say for whom she was making it or what it looked like.  That led me to suspect that she was making it for me, but I kept quiet about it.  When she talked about a Sekrit Weapon to help me sleep, I was pretty convinced it was a quilt, but I didn’t want to spoil the surprise.

Which, in and of itself is odd as I don’t normally like surprises.  When Kel asked if I wanted to know the surprise, however, I said no because I trusted her.

Anyway, the post office has taken to just leaving a slip saying, “Sorry we missed you, come pick it up” rather than actually trying to see if I’m home.  Or, the doorbell is broken, and they don’t want to knock.  Whatever the reason, I got the notice yesterday that I had a package.  I knew it was from Kel, so I couldn’t wait to go pick it up today.  I got it home and carefully opened the box.  I pulled out the quilt and was stunned into tears.

When I picked up the package, I knew it was a quilt.  I had seen pictures of Kel’s other quilts, so I thought I knew what I was getting.  I did not have a fucking clue.  Kel included a voodoo goddess that I love as well and a letter talking about how she came about the idea.  She said something about the flaws, but all I could see was the love that went into every stitch.  I am getting teary just thinking about all the time and planning she put into the quilt.  She downplays her talent, but anyone can see that to receive such a quilt is such a precious gift, indeed.  And, I don’t know how she did it, but she created the perfect quilt for me.

My last ex composed a piece for me.  It had two parts–the piano part and the clarinet part.  I was a bit disappointed that he hadn’t included the cello (my favorite instrument, the one I played).  He told me it was called Violence in Her Mind, and then he played it for me on his keyboard–through the phone.   I was stunned at first and then reduced to sobbing by the end of the piece.  Somehow, he had managed to capture the essence of me in that composition.

Kel has done the same with this quilt.  The colorful squares are from Bali, so they represent her (she’s Island Girl or Hibiscus Girl) whereas the black squares and the dragon squares represent my soul–not because my soul is black, but because it’s my favorite color.  So, our souls are touching on the quilt, as they have in real life.   Red is my second favorite color, and the red, orange, yellow edging of the quilt reminds me of flames–and fire is my favorite element.

I have been toting the quilt from room to room, like Linus and his security blanket.  I have it covered with another blanket because the boys really really really liked the quilt–to sharpen their claws on.  Kel put ‘To Minna’ in one corner, which I read as “Go Minna”, which works, too.  I feel secure and safe when I have the quilt wrapped around me.   Kel made it to protect me from my demons, and so far, it has worked.

The dragons.  I have always felt an affinity with the dragon.  I haven’t really said it before this because it’s also my mom’s symbol.  However, once I saw the dragons on the quilt, I realized that I could claim the dragon as my own.  It means something completely different to me than it does to my mother.  So, in a way, Kel has helped me in my separation process without even realizing it!

Here is the thing.  I am touched, blessed, and humbled that someone would do this for me.  I can’t tell you how much it means to me.   I have a hard time believing that I’m worthy of such a quilt, but I accept it.

In addition, it has made me realize that I take for granted all the wonderful, amazing things my friends do for me on a daily basis.  When I am depressed or sad or just down in general, I start thinking that nobody loves me, blah blah blah.  I forget all the emails, FB posts, comments on my blog, phone calls, etc., that my friends make to me, some on a daily basis.  I forget that my best friend wants me to live next door to her and that Natasha will take care of my boys for me when I am out of town.   In short, I forget that I have a support system who love me with all their hearts.   Now, I have a tangible expression of that love to remind me that I am not alone.

I will write more about that in the next entry, but right now, I just have to thank Kel from the bottom of my heart for this precious gift of love.  It amazes me that she gets me even though we have yet to meet in real life just yet.  I thank the heavens that she reached out to me on FB (through a mutual friend) because in her, I have found a kindred spirit.  We call ourselves twins because we have gone through similar things in our lives and because we have similar sensibilities.

She has enriched my life in so many ways (including introducing me to three fabulous kids, know in the blogosphere as The Professor, The Artist, and The Ambassador).  I can’t thank her enough for her presence in my life or for her–MY quilt.  I love you, Kel.

P.S.  For those on FB, look at the quilt, not me!