After my post yesterday on the reasons I never had children, I received an email from whabs, a frequent commentor of my blog and a great friend to boot. She delivered me a challenge:
To go a week, yes 7 whole days, without fucking swearing.
No, that wasn’t it. She’s the one who tagged an f-bomb counter on me, and she gets a kick out of my salty language. Her challenge was this:
Minna, I fucking challenge you to go a week, 7 days without fucking putting yourself down. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you?
I cleaned up the language a bit, but you get the gist.
7 days without putting myself down? 7 whole days? Considering that I sleep maybe four hours a night, that’s a whole lotta time in which I would have to not put to paper (or computer) the constant stream of negativity that runs through my brain.
Let’s put that aside for a minute. To recap, I recounted yesterday the reasons I never had kids. Really, the number one reason is because I didn’t want them. Never had. Most likely never will. Pretty soon, once I get the operation, it won’t even be a choice. In addition to the main reason I never had kids, I listed some others–including the fact that I could be an abuser.
Besides Kel, who posted a thoughtful, measured response on my blog, I had two conversations off my blog about yesterday’s topic. All these people are parents. All of them have experienced highs and lows in their parenting lives. They all agree that for the most part, parents learn how to cope with their negative thoughts and attitudes concerning their kids, and they soldier on. Their collective point: All parents get upset with, frustrated at, and angry at their children. Not all parents, indeed, not most parents go to the extreme of abusing their children. In fact, I have heard this theme from all the parents I know.
I know that not all parents are abusers. I also know that some are. Some are also not exactly abusers, but probably shouldn’t be parents, either. Anyway, I want to thank my friends for challenging me when I get stuck in my ruts and can’t see that I’m just repeating the same shit over and over. It’s one of the things I love most about blogging–the constructive feedback that nudges me outside my comfort zone. So, to that end, you have to help me out with the next bit.
Back to whabs’ challenge. There is no way in hell I can go 7 days without putting myself down. I can’t even go a day without something self-lacerating escaping from my lips. It would be unrealistic for me to expect that I could suddenly excise that part of myself for a whole week. So, I am going to start with 3 days. Today, Saturday, and Sunday. I am not going to utter a single thing negative about myself. Not here, not on FB, not in an email, and not in RL. I am going to focus on my positive attributes as best I can.
This is where y’all come in. It’s difficult for me to know when I’m putting myself down because I do it automatically. In addition, there are some things I say that I don’t consider negative (such as my potential of abusing a child) because I see it as simply stating the truth. However, if one believes that I am not so capable of abusing a child, then the statement becomes negative, indeed.
In honor of whabs, I am going to spend the rest of this blog entry listing my positives (and mightily resisting typing lines such as, “in other words, a haiku”). In general, I shrink away from my good side. I don’t know why, exactly, but tonight will be the first step in trying to correct that. Jung said we have to confront our shadow sides, and this is mine. I am much more comfortable in the dark with my negatives, so this isn’t gonna be easy.
Minna’s New Rule #1: No qualifications. I tend to equivocate when I talk about my assets in order to tamp down the appearance of arrogance. None of that. Tonight, I am going to channel my inner Hercule Poirot and toot my own horn. Paraphrasing him, “If someone else had the talent I did, I would admire him very much. Why should it be any different if I am the one possessing the talent?”
Minna’s New Rule #2: No oblique put-downs in the form of damning with faint praise. I am very good at that, too.
I will add other rules if necessary. With the aforementioned two New Rules in mind, here we go. Of course, it’s in no particular order because that’s the way I like to fucking roll!
I care passionately about people and equality. I am a proud progressive who will back the underdog every time. I have a good heart (….argh, fighting the temptation to qualify!), and I can empathize with what other people feel. I have equal compassion for animals. Animals and people are equally drawn to me. I am able to put myself in other people’s shoes, which makes it easier for me to be compassionate.
I am extremely intelligent. What’s more, I have a curious mind. If I don’t know something, I will dig around teh Googles until I find the answer. I absorb knowledge at a fast rate, and I am not shy about asking questions when I want to know more about something–or someone.
I have really nice hair, shoulders, and upper arms. I love my tats which are an extension of me.
I have a twisted sense of humor that I greatly appreciate. I see things from a slightly different angle, and it amuses me.
I have nice tits that get me free drinks.
I am very sensual in and out of bed. I am an enthusiastic, adventurous, vocal lover who is willing to try almost anything once. I enjoy sex (understatement of the year), and I love to laugh in bed. In fact, if sex were an Olympic sport, I would have the gold medal, baby. Oh, and I have a very talented tongue. I’m just saying.
I am wicked snarky and sarcastic. I am quick-witted, and I give excellent speeches.
I have an imagination that knows few limits. I am constantly making up stories in my head, and I do this effortlessly. My creative juices flow endlessly, and they usually produce really fucking good stories. Seriously. My shit is good, y’all. You should read it sometime. When I get my fiction website up and running.
I’m a very good friend. I am fierce, loyal, dogged, and stubborn. When I trust someone, I trust that person. I don’t give my trust easily, but I give it freely to the few people who earn it.
I am a powerful performer. I have a knack for touching the vulnerable parts of people. I am charismatic, and it’s a definite bonus when I am on a stage, performing my heart out. I have a good singing voice, and I can dance. In other words, watch out, Broadway, because here I come!
I am an excellenc eccentric aunt. I give my niece and nephews room to just be. I accept them mostly as is, and I don’t demand that they change their personalities or beliefs in order to please me.
I am a good listener. I can draw people out and make them feel safe with me. I would have been a good therapist (my BA is in psychology), in part because I am mostly nonjudgmental when people tell me things. It takes a lot to shock me, and as I said earlier, my views are not conventional at all, so I am able to take most confessions in stride.
Hm. This is harder than I thought. I had a qualifier for every point I just made. In the past, I would have written them. This time, I just thought them. It’s a start.
P.S. I posted a pic of Margaret Cho because she is my role model. She is very accepting of herself, warts and all.
You’ll try anything once? now see, I’ll try anything twice – that way I’m pretty sure whether I like it or not.
You just listed SO many of the things about you that drew me to you.
So much of you shines through when you post. I love your wit, your snark, your intelligence, your humor, your intense presence, your brain (omg look at the hot girl who can think!, and many more things.
I also found you to be a fierce and loyal friend. Hmmm, great minds think alike! Hehehehehe
It took my 17 year old can make ME realize I have some amazingness of my own to accept. Once you adjust to the new fit, it actually starts to feel good.
Of course none of us walk on water and old learned behaviors are hard as hell to quit. I’m just happy you got what I was saying and didn’t take it the wrong way because you rock girl!
I love this post, and be default, Whabs for challenging you.
‘Cause ya see, Minna, after reading her post the other day about her jackass ex, and hearing some of the self-deprec…flagellation you give yourself, the problem becomes much more than just stupid men and the way they are taught to view beauty.
The problem expands like a nasty balloon at the point where it transitions from some asshole with an attitude into a kick-ass woman devaluing herself. Because then the blame shifts, just a little. When you devalue the amazing, beautiful person that you are, the world sees that. The world hears you say, “Ugh, I’m fat” and if they hear it enough, they start to say, “Huh. Maybe she is.” And that, my friend, is a crock of shit. And you know this.
See, we as women see the assholes who think the way of Whabs’ ex, and we seethe. And rightly so! But when we say shit about each other in our catty, snarky ways, (“Ew. Did you SEE her eyebrows?”) we sink to that level as well. And worse? When we do it to ourselves…”Jesus, my ass looks huge.” Unacceptable, plain and simple. Instead of becoming the change we want to see in the world, we become the worst things that need to be changed.
You, my friend, are way, way better than that. Your readership here is expanding because you believe in what you say. You know you have quality things to impart, and your followers believe that. So we read. We comment, we mention this cool blog written by this hot chick, and so it goes. It’s time for you to expand that belief in yourself. It’s time for you to see yourself through our eyes, so that the rest of the world doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Because really? Civilizations have crumbled on a few well-placed wrong ideas. =)
Damn, snee, you’re so right! One bad experience might be just a fluke. A good, uh, researcher would repeat the experiment to test for veracity. Thank you for reminding me the importance of trying things twice.
whabs, your email was exactly what I needed. As I said, I tend to wrap myself up in my perceived negative attributes and shun anything that resembles the light. I am very grateful that consistently, you have shown me the way with the use of tough, but kind love. I am also very glad that you have come to appreciate yourself as well. You are truly an amazing woman.
Kel. Fucking amen, sister. Putting aside all the men-women dysfunctional bullshit, we women can be our own–and each other’s–worst enemy. Men in general are more accepting of the way women look than we women are.
You are also right in saying that if I don’t respect myself, then I can’t expect anyone else to respect me, either. Tell you what. I’ll keep reminding you of what you said here if you do the same for me. Deal?
Kel, that was an amazingly worded comment and I really appreciate hearing sanity.
It’s hard as hell to explain the fall down to devaluing ones self, but I can attest to the fact that we can rise above it given enough time, patience, good friends and self forgiveness!
My daughter is still here. She is doing what I knew would happen once she came to me. No wanting to leave and finding going “home” is very difficult now. I simply showed her the room that will be hers.
The best thing for me has been surviving and surpassing everything negative that was poured into her head about me. As amazed as I am at her amazingness, she is just as amazed with mine and that of our family.
You have been a joy to have along on this leg of my journey and although I don’t think you would have liked me much at my darkest, I wish you could have seen me then to understand how amazing this really is.
I will always remind you of the amazing things I see in you because you were kind enough to show them to me and let me in Minna’s world.
Jeez, I need an amazing-bomb count now! hahahaha
Minna, you and I will definitely remind each other. I’m just as guilty of putting myself down, that’s for sure! It’s really hard, isn’t it? We’re taught from day one that arrogance is a bad thing, but that slips over into undermining our confidence until we can no longer see the boundaries.
Whabs, thank you. You are so sweet to say those things to me! And good for you, being a kick-ass role model for your 17yr old. I have one of those too (along with a 16 and a 14!, and man, we just cannot slack off, can we? =)
I think the three of us could do some seriously good things in this effed up world!
Awwwww, group hug!
whabs, I am so blessed that I met you on the ‘flats. I can’t imagine not having you support during this challenging phase of my life. I admire you so for making it through the shit relatively unscathed. Yes, I know it took time, courage, grit, and determination, but you are here, damn it! Your Girl and you are reunited (and it feels so good), and you are standing tall. I salute you. YOU are FUCKING AMAZING!
Kel, you are a wise woman. My niece is eleven and full of self-confidence. She thinks she can do anything. I encourage that in her because I know that she will be told differently in so many different ways in her teen years.
Thank you a thousand times for FB friending me. I love your perspective and your determination as well. You, too, have gone through the fire and emerged triumphant on the other side. You, too, are a FUCKING AMAZING woman.
Another group hug!
I’m glad we “met’ too, Minna.
But I haven’t emerged just yet. I’m still tapping away at the inside of this cocoon, trying to figure out how to unravel the bindings without leaving too much of a mess behind me, ya know? But your support means everything.
‘Cause ya know, if I crash and burn here, I’ll be picking you up on my way to go hide in Denver with TD.
Kel, it doesn’t matter if you’ve completely emerged yet. I haven’t, either. But, we are both on our way, and that is what matters. I have a guest room with your name on it. You are welcome any time in my home.