I don’t want to go to Taiwan. My faithful readers know that. I am dreading it, and I feel like a jackass for dreading it. I mean, it’s the trip of a lifetime, right? I haven’t been back in 17 years, and it’s the country of my ancestry. Much has change since I was last there, and…oh hell. My parents called Saturday night. It turns out we’re going to meet the vice president of the country. Normally, that would be very exciting to me since I am an avid politics buff. I have only recently hopped on that train here in America, but I have been following Taiwanese politics since birth, it seems.
And, my mom keeps asking me if I’m excited about the trip yet. My niece packed a month ago, and my brother is starting to get revved up as well. We will be having a mini-family reunion with my mother’s family in Taipei (she has seven sibs, each with at least two children), and we will also be gathering with my father’s family in Taichung (he has four sibs, each with two to four children). We will be going to the zoo and the National Taiwan Museum (my request) and Hua Lien (a beautiful area with a famous gorge called Taroko Gorge–a place I almost died the last time I was in Taiwan) and a park with taiji statutes (on my behest, though not at my request), but we won’t be over-scheduled, says my mom.
In the best of times, I do not travel well with my family. We bicker like many families do (in fact, my bro and I travel best together), and my parents like to do ten things in a day. When we went to NYC, they allotted an hour and a half for the Met. They gave me an extra hour, but that was it. I, on the other hand, would rather go to one place a day and thoroughly explore that place. I went round and round with my mother on this, but I don’t think it completely sunk in. At least they booked me my own room. I argued with her about this, too. They live in a condo, so they are renting hotel rooms for the three of us. My mom thought my niece could stay in my room, and I said no. I need my space. She actually listened to me on this one, but the last time she talked, she said she thought maybe we could just throw down some sleeping beds in her condo and–no. They have one bedroom. No fucking way. Not gonna do it.
Every day that passes, my stomach hurts more and more. The demons are growing louder, and it’s taking all my energy to fend them off. I have to finish my mom’s magnum opus before I go, which is really not what I want to be doing right now.
I fucking hate this month. I hate everything about it. I hate the holidays, and I hate feeling like I’m back in that bad, dark place that I had thought I’d left behind. Not for good, but I didn’t think it would get so bad so quickly. I am sliding back into old thought patterns and old behavior patterns as well. My eating is fucked; my sleep is fucked; I am NOT fucked–which is fucked up. On that front, I have the impulse to go back to the old ways of pushing my boundaries of pain until I am obliterated. I found a local bdsm group that seems pretty cool, but I know that the reason I am contemplating going is not a good one, by any stretch of the imagination.
Now. Here’s the deal. I don’t feel I can back out for many reasons. I don’t want to talk about the reasons because that’s not my focus right now. Instead, I need to think about how I can deal with being there.
Here is what I want to do: Slit my wrists. I won’t, but I want to do it. Bang my head repeatedly until my brains fall out. Again, I won’t, but I want to do it. I want to drink a bottle of bourbon until I pass out comatose–sense a theme here? I am not going to do any of these things, but the impulse is there. I can tell that my driving is more reckless, which is how it gets when I just don’t give a fuck. If I veer off the side of the road and crash, who the fuck cares? As long as I don’t hit anyone else.
I know that going to Taiwan is going to be a chore. I know that I am going to feel hideous and gross and fat and even freakier than I already do–which is pretty damn freaky. The last time I was there, I was told I couldn’t be Taiwanese. I was too assertive, too fat, too American–too other. Here, I am too other as well for different reasons, but even if I sometimes chafe under my otherness here, I at least know what to expect. In Taiwan, I have no idea. My defenses aren’t what they used to be, and I feel extremely vulnerable right now. And, Taiwanese culture, at least from what I remember, is even more into thinness for women than is America. Needless to say, that is an extremely sore sport with me right now (more so than usual).
In addition, as y’all know, I’ve been pretty sick. Much of it stems from my emotional difficulties, but there is still a physical element to it. My sinuses are starting to burn again. I’m throwing up what I’m eating, or I’m not eating at all, or I’m trying not to throw up what I’ve eaten. I’m going to bed later and later like I used to, and I am sleeping more, but not well. I am having more weird/bad dreams than ever and that’s saying a lot. I am panicking. I have not packed. I sit in a stupor much of the time, holding absolutely still, just hoping it’ll all go away. I’ve been ignoring the fact that in less than two weeks, I’ll be on a plane, flying almost twenty-three hours to be in a place I don’t want to be. I know my passport is updated, which is really the only thing that absolutely needs to be done. The house is a mess (sorry, Natasha. I will do some cleaning before you come over and take care of my boys, but only the bare minimum). I am a fucking mess, and the troll at BJ who attacked me for celebrating Houston electing an openly-gay mayor certainly didn’t help. S/he called me more worthless than the resident pet troll, and it was exactly what I didn’t need after talking to my parents that night.
Worthless. I can’t get the word out of my mind. No matter how many friends and blog readers tell me that I add value to their lives (and thank you so much all of you who have shown me such stalwart support), the demons still find a way to whisper their insidious invectives in my ears. From inside my head. While I’m fucking trying to sleep. “You are worthless. Fucking worthless. Who the fuck would really miss you if you were gone? Waste of space. Just kill yourself already.”
How the fuck did I get here again? And, if getting better just means running into a buzzsaw like this again? I mean, I was healing and all that shit, and then, wham. Flashbacks. Wham. Sliding back into oblivion. Except, this time, I don’t have my defenses, and I know that I don’t want to be in that place. I don’t want to hunker down and just become numb. And yet, the alternatives are not pretty.
So. The crux of this entry. And yes, it took me well over a thousand words to get here. Deal with it. How the fuck do I get through this with the least amount of damage possible? I know there is no way I can escape unscathed, so I want to hurt myself take the least amount of damage I can. I have my own room. This is essential to me not going completely batshitcrazy insane while I’m in Taiwan. I will be unlocking the long-distance capability on my cell phone. I will have my laptop and internet connection. These two will be invaluable on my trip. I will be bringing some books I want to read so hopefully, I will be able to read again by that time (I can’t read right now). I am going to demand at least an hour to myself a day. That is nonnegotiable. I will be there ten days (with two days of travel time). I will probably blog from there, though not necessarily. It depends on how I feel. I can practice taiji since I have my own room. I can kick the walls if need be.
Here is where you come in (if you’re still reading this far). I rarely ask for advice on my blog because I am pretty headstrong, and I don’t like to ask for advice if I’m not willing to take it. Now, I am asking. Take it as a given that I am going. What else can I do in order to survive this? I am at a loss, and I am fast running out of time.
P.S. Video one is an acoustic live version of Simple Plan’s Perfect. The second video is a repeat of Blue October’s Black Orchid. The third is my favorite version (besides the original) of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, as sung by kd lang. And, I am linking to, but not reposting Johnny Cash’s Hurt. Pretty much my soundtrack right now. Oh, and I threw in a link to Linkin Park’s Numb in the text just for the hell of it.
P.P.S. I have my therapy session on Wednesday. I will be talking about this.
I can tell you’re thinking that you won’t have to go to Taiwan if you’re dead, or in the hospital. Please avoid doing that. Don’t let them win!
I think that you’ve found some very good ideas for making the best of this situation you dread. Don’t hesitate to call or email me.
The only additional things I can think of is for you to 1) carry some talisman that reminds you of the people who care about you, the real you. And 2) when someone says you’re ‘not Taiwanese,’ you tell them that they’re right. You’re American. And then remark about how amazing it is that American rednecks and Taiwanese rednecks have so much in common. Blah, blah, fucking parochial small-minded bullshit blah.
If it was possible, I’d come along as your ass-kicking bodyguard.
Hi Minna, We’re all on this journey called life. I am coming to Mpls on the 22nd to spend Christmas in that terrible place called Minnesota that I left long ago. Unlike your short 10 day trip :), I will be there for three weeks. Sorry. I know that you live there now and it is home for you. But that is my point. The place that you consider to be your home becomes your home. It is your safe place. How about if you think of your home as your hotel room for the next 10 days. Do not allow your parents into your room. Make a promise to yourself to not allow them in. You can also block calls to your room by asking the front desk to hold all of your calls.
Asian people are as racist as any people on the planet. You are an American as I am and many people on this planet do not know what that means because it can mean many things. I think that many of them think it means Christie Brinkley. Frankly, in my travels, I have found that the majority of people are stupid. They are the average. They are the “great unwashed.” They are the people who have never examined their lives in any detail. The average person’s opinion doesn’t matter. Consequently, you can be smug in your knowledge that while yes they live in the “mother country” with all those other Taiwanese people, they don’t and can’t understand the richness that is America with its multiplicity of cultures and values and a Black American president.
So, while you are facing “you can’t be Taiwanese you’re too fat, too tall, too outspoken, too etc…” I will be facing. “Oh, you grew up here in Minnesota? And now you live in Sydney? Oh you must miss Minnesota. You know, the cold is so nice. Minnesota is so nice. Minnesotans are so nice. etc etc.” Let me vomit now. And now that we have Ofelia, “your halfski, heinz 57, half chinese/japanese/insert other asian country half american/white/caucasian daughter is so pretty! all half breed kids are so cute.” Let me strangle this stupid average person now…oh wait, they’re opinion doesn’t matter. Right!
So, what am I going to be thinking about when I meet the average person? I become the keen observer of all around me. It becomes a game to me observing all around me. Just how stupid can the average person be? How obscenely can they use their fork and knife? How badly can they use their power of speech to express a rather simple, “pardon me?” which often comes out as “what?” “come again?” etc. Just how many baggy pants slung over bottoms and sneakers can I see on people who have no intention of walking or running fast anytime soon? After awhile, it becomes incredibly amusing.
So, I would hope to hear about the number of bubble tea places you have passed on the way to the museum or in a day. How many Hainanese chicken dishes you see during your trip? How many women you think have had plastic surgery in a day to have Nichole Kidman’s nose? Who is the most popular male/female popstar in Taiwan at present. How many earthquake tremors did you experience during a day/week?
I would encourage you to look outside of yourself Minna. There is a whole lot of stuff going on around you in the world that you are missing at the moment. I think it could be quite a good vacation from yourself. You are going through some serious stuff but it is exhausting. Take a break. Eat with enjoyment. There is so much great food in Taiwan. Eat things that you couldn’t possibly find in Minnesota. Take a vacation from yourself.
Sorry this is so long. I have been reading from time to time and I think you need a break. Concentrate on the things that you have control over. Your own space. Become an observer of the world. That’s the beauty of travel. Ultimately, travel is a voyage of the interior of you not just a far flung locale. There are many lessons that you can learn for yourself from travel. You may surprise youself with just how resourceful you will become.
All the best, Sarah
I will keep thinking about this, but I will share my own strategies for when I’m visiting my dad. The most helpful for me, as cheesy as it sounds, is having a mantra I can repeat when I start getting angry/upset. Yours would be different from mine, obviously, but I find that if I can silently repeat to myself “Calm. Patience. Compassion.” it really helps when he starts to drive me over the edge. Again, yours would have different words; I’m not sure “compassion” would be the best for you. But you get the idea.
The other thing that helps sometimes is imagining that he’s not MY father; he’s the father of a friend. I think this is important for me because it absolves me of feeling the weight of responsibility to family, as well as responsibility FOR family; i.e., feeling responsible for the things he does that embarrass or anger me. In other words, it creates a healthy distance between us. It allows me to be polite and friendly while still protecting myself emotionally.
Our situations are different, so I have no idea if my strategies will work for you. But just in case, I thought I’d share.
p.s. I’m sorry that douchewad at BJ was so hurtful. You said nothing that was remotely objectionable – it was his/her own issues that were coming out there. No reflection on you in the slightest. you just happened to be standing in the wrong place when s/he chose to vomit out his/her bile.
Parents somehow always know how to press our buttons — because they’re the ones who installed them.
All I can tell you is that you need to practice the “War Games” strategy — the only way you can win is not to play. So don’t engage in the bullshit your parents are trying to draw you into — don’t fight it, don’t counter it, don’t try to be logical with them. The only way to win is not to play.
Choolie, yeah, something like that. It’s sad that my immediate thought is, “I would rather slit my wrists than go”, but I won’t. Slit my wrists, I mean. A talisman is a good idea. You are right, too, that there are assholes and ignorant people everywhere. It would be awesome to have you as my bodyguard. And, right now I don’t care about letting them win because I feel as if I’ve already lost.
Sarah, as usual, you speak many truths. I like the idea of using my sarcastic wit to try to keep me sane. I am good at that, and as long as I keep it an inside voice, I should be ok on that front.
You talk about home. I don’t consider MN home. I don’t consider any place home. I consider people home, so it’ll be difficult to be in Taiwan with people I don’t think of as home. I do like your idea of making the hotel room my fortress, though (yeah, I know that’s not exactly what you said, but that’s what I’m taking from it).
The food is actually one thing I really hope I’m able to enjoy. Taiwanese food is fabulous.
Betsy, I like your idea of privately thinking of my father as not my father. Too often, the family ties truly do bind us (and not in a good way). I think the idea of a mantra is a good one, too. I’m guessing that, “STFU or I will punch you in the face” is not a healthy mantra.
As for the asshat on BJ, s/he just caught me at a really bad time. And, I know there are some people who don’t like my, ah, colorful way of expressing myself.
Alex, this is so fucking true. I just am not sure that I know exactly what I’m trying not to play–if that makes any sense.
Thank you all. I need all the help I can get at this point.
I need to mail this pkg to you quickly. In it is something I picked just for you to bring with you to Taiwan, actually. It’s soft, pliable, and can be shoved in a corner of your suitcase without damage.
I think one of the biggest things you can do is to use your support network. Email/text/phone, however you want to do it. If you need someone to make you laugh, find me. If you need a shot of ass kicking strength, find Choolie. If you need gentle wisdom, find Whabs. Your list goes on. Do not hesitate to find one of us, no matter what time of day or night.
Time by yourself may be a good remedy for sanity as well. Remember that this is your blood and your history, but more than that, remember that your own history is what you make it. You’re you, no matter if you identify as American, Taiwaneese, Lithuaniapolish, Germerican, or anything else. Your identity should never be emmeshed so far into someone else’s culture and ideals that isn’t recognizable as your own.
Lastly remember that the people who count, who are happy to have you in their live with your issues, your demond, whatever, are all here for you.
Xoxo.
I don’t know Minna…I don’t see what is really wrong with “STFU! I will punch you in the face!”
Seriously, I love you and wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I really agree with Kel. Take your support system with you. Make sure you can get to your therapist somehow and keep in touch with us.
Continue to blog when you can. Its what you do and it’s one thing from home you can take with you.
Kel, thank you. I–that’s all I can really say right now. Thank you so much for being you and for being in my life.
whabs, I love you, too.