Never Come Back–Before You See It

                                                                                                                                             3:14 a.m.      9/3/4/04

Movies with Minna is back, and this time up, I will do a very short review of Never Come Back starring the incomparably delicious Nathaniel Parker. This is one of his earlier works which wasn’t well-received on Netflix, but I have different tastes than the mainstream. Besides, if Nathaniel Parker is in it, it can’t be all bad, right? Right? Wrong.

Everything about this movie-made for television-is wrong. The pacing, the plot, the characters, the lighting. Everything. The fake-dead cat-it’s supposed to be dead, but it’s easy to tell it’s not a real cat that’s dead-the pseudo-noire look, the incessant whining by Parker’s character, the supposed insouciance of said character….It’s all trite and grates on the nerves. The fact that it’s supposed to be set during World War I-or is it World War II?-does nothing to alleviate the sheer mediocrity of this movie.

I hated it from the start. Besides being extremely easy on the eyes because of Parker, there isn’t anything to recommend about this movie. Desmond’s blathering about finding the perfect woman with whom to equally exchange sex with is tedious at best, nails-scratching-against the chalkboard at worst. The forced archness of the characters and the situations is excruciating to watch. I stopped and started more than once, trying to talk myself into watching the movie. After the third time of doing this after only twenty minutes, I realized that it wasn’t going to happen. A movie should be an enjoyable event, not something to be endure.

It didn’t help that I didn’t find the woman attractive in the least. There was nothing about her which would catch the eye of a rake like Desmond which is the first glaring error of this movie. Then the whole thing with her being so sure she wants to have sex with Desmond and nothing else, it doesn’t ring true. Especially not from a woman of that era. This whole movie screams, ‘You are watching an important drama unfold before your very eyes. Pay attention!’ When Desmond gets a threatening phone call in the middle of the night, well, that did it for me. I turned this off for good and vowed not to get a movie just because the lead is cute. Don’t put this movie anywhere near your Netflix Queue lest it infect your other choices. Enough said.

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