This is MY brain, and you’re only peeking into it. As I have blogged about before, I dream a lot. I remember at least one dream a night, and my dreams are, with very few exceptions, nightmares. Last night’s dream was no exception, but it was a strange sort of nightmare. Therefore, I am going to relate it here. Take a plunge into my very fertile subconscience.*
I am back at St. Olaf College.** I am walking through the post area of the caf with my father.****
I have to interject and say that my dreams are very movie-like. I am in them most of the time, but I’m also watching them. More often than not, there is an annoying narrator as well, but not this time. The action is usually fast-paced as it was in this dream. Back to my dream.
I am going into the caf waiting area because I spotted D (my ex) going in there with a friend. My father and a couple other people are behind me. My dad warns me not to go in because D is with a girl. I am puzzled because I had seen him with a guy.
Another interspersion: I see D (tall, husky Sri Lankan with a beard and mustache) walking around campus and wondering what he’s doing there as he had already graduated. He is wearing a mustard yellow sweatshirt, and I immediately claim it as my own.***** I start following him.
I am on a bus and waiting to go into town. I see D walking the other way, and I want to get off the bus, but I can’t. No one is allowed to get off once you get on.
A friend****** who is wearing a full face of makeup tells me brightly that she has been chosen for the lead role in Romeo and Juliet. The camera tightens in on her face as she waits for my response. I am noncommittal as I’m thinking about D. She tells me that even though she can’t sing or dance, she was chosen. Again, she pauses. She wants me to dismiss her self-criticism, but I don’t. I am thinking in my mind that she is right. She can’t sing or dance. I have no idea how she got chosen as Juliet (plus, she’s too old and has a curly perm), and I don’t particularly care.
Back to school–I am wondering why I am back at St. Olaf. I don’t want to be there. D tells me that he is has moved to MN, and he wants my phone number. I am aflutter, and my inner dialogue is a jumble.
I am going into the caf to eat, and I don’t want to go alone. It seems I have no choice, though. Eat alone or skip eating. This is when I see D for the first time and start stalking him around campus.
As I follow him, his shirt turns from yellow to white. Even in my dream, I am confused as to how this has happened, and then, it turns back to yellow.
That’s about it. I am sure that I’ve had this dream in part because I’ve been mourning the loss of my life and because he was my first true love. He was “the one” when I still believed in “the one”. Then, he wasn’t. Now, he isn’t. I wonder if he ever really was. I was so naive and simple back then that I thought you met someone you love, you marry that person, and you live happily after with your picket fence and 2.4 kids. Well, I met the man I truly, deeply, and madly loved–and after we are through for the final time, he tells me he never loved me. Ouch. It hurt, but it was a good lesson for me.
Now, I am shedding the past slowly, but hopefully, surely. I am older, sadder, and a wee bit wiser. Good-bye to the old me, and good riddance.
*This is a fairly tame dream of mine.
**I go back there quite often in my dreams. Tres annoying. It seems that as all sidewalks lead to the chapel at St. Olaf, all my dreams lead me to St. Olaf.***
***Then again, as a friend of mine pointed out, “All the sidewalks lead away from the chapel as well.” Point well taken.
****Played by Judd Hirsch of Numb3rs.
*****I did, indeed, liberate many of his shirts when we were together.
******No one I know in real life.