For Mah Lay-deees!

j0438382Ok, fellahs.  I gotta warn you that I’m going to be talking about female things today, so if you’re squeamish about menstrual cycles and such, this is your chance to bail on today’s entry.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Ok, now that the guys have left, women, we need to talk.  First up, yes, menstrual cycles.  I have always had an irregular period.  I used to get my period three to four times a year for three days at a time.  It would have been awesome if I knew when it was coming.  Instead, it varied from sixty days to ninety days, and anywhere in between, so I never really knew when it was coming.

Then, I started having sex and my period became more regular.  It seems like there’s a link between sex and procreation.  Who knew?  So, anyway, my period came every thirty-five or forty days, and I considered it regular.  Then, when I didn’t have sex (I’m like a camel.  I store my sex), my period would slowly start coming later and later.  Still, it was within forty to forty-five days or so.  It was manageable.  Now, it’s running wild once again.  It’s been two and a half months and no period.  It’s maddening because I don’t know when it’s coming.  The one thing that has been the same throughout it all is that I only have it for three days at a time (with light spotting on the fourth), which is nice.

Now.  Here’s my question.  Is there anything I can do to make my period more regular?  I’m not concerned about my health because my doctor told me that all I need is two periods a year, and I have that covered.  However, I would like to make my period a bit more regular so I don’t always have to be carrying, if you catch my drift.  Any suggestions?  And don’t say, “Have sex.”  Believe me, I’ve thought of that.

Second up:  body image.  As with many American women, I have a horrible body image.  It doesn’t help that my cousin posted a picture from her wedding to her FB page.  Her wedding was ten years ago, and I was at my skinniest.  The thing is, my cousin looks just as fabulous as she did back then, whereas I have gained quite a bit of weight, some white hairs (which don’t bother me.  I’m waiting for all my hair to turn white), gotten wrinkles and lines (which also doesn’t bother me.  They are the road map to my life), etc.

Even at my thinnest, I hated my body.  Now that I am arguably at my heaviest, well, let’s just say that we are not on speaking terms.  However, I am not asking for dieting tips or anything like that because I have my Ph.D. in dieting and exercise.  I know what to do to lose weight and to keep it off, so I don’t need help in that area.  What I do need is tips on how to find ways to be kind to my body while I’m in the middle of hating it.  Oh, I know it sounds contradictory (because it is), but I need to find a way to be gentle with body while simultaneously loathing it because even if I do change its composition, it won’t happen overnight.  I am fucking tired of hating my body, so I need to start taking little steps.

For example.  I like my hair.  And my tats.  I like being strong.  That’s about it.  So, for other women who struggle with body image issues, what makes you feel good about your bodies?  I have said before that I would like everyone to walk around nekkid because it would normalize actual human bodies, and it bears repeating.  I rather watch British flicks because the people look like real people.  I could go up to Dame Mirren in a pub and just chat with her, or Alan Rickman.  Ok, probably not Alan as I would hyperventilate and then faint, but you catch my drift.  I can’t imagine chatting with, say, Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, nor would I want to do so.

The funny thing is, I much prefer curves and roundness in other women.  Stick women do nothing to me physically.  However, when it comes to me, it’s a different story.  I want to be a stick.  I want to look like Kate Moss, even though I think she’s way too skinny.  I know it’s fucked up, and I know it’s stupid, but there you go.  I wanna be sick-skinny.

At the same time, I want to let go of my hostility towards my body.  It’s been there for me over all these years, no matter how much I’ve fucked it up.  It’s sturdy and gets me from place to place.  It gets me laid from time to time.  It gets me free drinks and good service (glad the rack is good for something other than being the canvas for my tattoo).

So, please tell me how you love your bodies as they are.  I really need help in that area.

Finally, I want to hear all the good ‘how I met my SO stories’ that you have.  If there are guys reading this who are partnered up, you can chime in, too.  I have a hard time believing that I can find someone with whom I can have a long-term relationship, so I need a shot in the arm, so to speak.  When I try to envision myself side by side with someone over the years, I can’t picture it.  Believe you me, I have a very vivid imagination, so it’s something of a shock when I can’t conjure up a scenario.

It’s not like I don’t have a good example  My best friend has been with her hubby since she was fifteen (off-and-on, but more on than off), and she’s now thirty-nine.  However, when I look at the two of them, I don’t see that happening for me.  It’s not that I’m fatalistic about it; I just don’t really have an idea what that would entail.

So.  I want stories of how you’ve met your partner and what made you love him/her.  I wanna know how you nurture your relationship, and how you make the love grow.  Ready, set, go.

13 Responses to For Mah Lay-deees!

  1. And don’t say, “Have sex.” Believe me, I’ve thought of that.

    Oh. Then I’m all out of ideas.

  2. But seriously, it saddens me that you feel that way about yourself. I worry about my daughters growing up with the same feelings. I hope I tell them enough how beautiful they are. They know their mother doesn’t wear makeup, and I like it that way.

    So, how I met my lovely wife* is a long tale, set in my home town of Louisville, Kentucky. First of all, I was single all through my 20s. I more or less lived with a woman for 2 1/2 years, but apart from that had no really long-term thing, though some on-again, off-again relationships. And that was how I wanted it. I had lots of experiences of different kinds, and looking back, most of them were good, although I probably kept some of them from developing into something better by holding back my commitment (which probably sounds like typical guy behavior, and probably is, but I was always up front about what I wanted and didn’t want, and women could choose to accept that or not). But when I was about 28, the relationship I was in ended — amicably enough; we both knew we weren’t IT for each other and stopped dating when it stopped being fun — and I told myself that that was enough; I wanted a long term relationship at last.

    So at the time I’m in a group that goes contra dancing dancing, which doesn’t really seem like my style, but I started chasing after this particular chick, and kept on even though she and I never hit it off. So one night, some friends of mine bring this beautiful blonde, and I’m like, whoa, who the hell is that? (I think of her every time I hear the line in the Donald Fagan song “New Frontier” that goes, “introduce me to that big blonde,” although I can’t really say she had a touch of Tuesday Weld.) After the dance, we go out to eat like we always did. Unfortunately, the restaurant can’t fit all of us at one table. Two of us will have to sit apart. Guess who. So it’s all, sizzle, sizzle.

    But it turns out she has a boyfriend, so we decide just to be friends. We see each other dancing, of course (she became a regular too) and go to movies or whatnot. This goes on for around a year, probably. Then she breaks up with her boyfriend, and we start dating, which complicates matters, because she’s still grieving, quite naturally. As difficult as they could be, the fact that we made it through those first couple of months encouraged me in believing that we really wanted it to work.

    By accident of timing, our first date is on the first of the month. So on the first of every month, I give her a gift for our “anniversary.” By the time our six month anniversary rolls around, I know I want to marry her (bear in mind that I’ve known her now for some time). And having just been downsized from a publishing job — in which we rarely take vacation — I get a check for more than six weeks of unused vacation time, which funds the engagement ring. She likes antique boxes, so I buy her one, put the ring box inside, and wrap it.

    Our six month anniversary fell on a September day we were returning from a whitewater rafting trip in West Virginia. To set the stage, we’re having dinner at a steak house in Richmond. We’ve been sleeping in a tent all weekend and of course repeatedly dunked in river water, and naturally I haven’t shaved. And I give her the box.

    Now, I ask you, what do you do with a box? That’s right, you open it! Well, she had pretty much figured that something like this was coming, so she unwraps her present, says something like, “How lovely!”, and sets the damn thing aside. I make it all the way to dessert before exploding, “Well, aren’t you going to open the damn thing?!” And she does, and she says yes, and we’re married the following May.

    So that’s how we became part of the statistically insignificant set of people to marry for the first time after 30. We now have two lovely daughters and celebrated out 11th anniversary this year. I truly hope you find someone who makes you as happy as I’ve been, Minna.

    *You’ll have noticed I tend not to use names if I can avoid it, in order to preserve anonymity in whatever small ways the Internet allows.

  3. Weird…
    You’re trying to stop what the pharmaceutical companies are now promoting with a pill that takes you down to 3 or 4 periods a year.
    My suggestion, not that I’m a doctor or anything (but I’ve played one online!) is to go to Mexico and walk around behind the native women and observe how few hang-ups they have over body image compared to American woman.
    That was something I found absofuckinglutely wonderfuckingful about being in Mexico.

  4. Heh – me and Whabbs have that in common – I like to wander behind women observing them too 🙂

    Personally, Kathy and I started using condoms, but found that it’s a bit of a passion killer having to stop and put the feckers on, she has an injection in her butt (oh, DO stop sniggering at the back) every 3 months or so – no periods and non-stop sex 🙂

    Which is nice…

  5. Greg, that’s a very sweet story. Thanks for sharing. As for your daughters, the most important thing they can see and hear is how Mom and Dad think they’re beautiful just the way they are. It sounds like you’re doing that.

    whabs, I wouldn’t mind having my period every three months if it were regular in that irregularity. I just hate having it all over the map. Yeah, we could learn a thing or two from women in other cultures when it comes to body images.

    snee, did you really meet Kathy at match.com, or are you just pulling my leg? You just like women, period.

  6. snee, that Depo is EVIL. For women who don’t tollerate it or hormones well, you may as well give us a high powered rifle and a clock tower.
    Minna!! The Gash resigned! Blog Baby Blog!

  7. whabs, I heard! I am waiting to see what she’ll do next. She’s not going to just disappear. It’s not in her nature.

  8. Well, she IS a runner. If it is criminal charges, maybe she’s running. But my first gut reaction is that the stupid bitch has a self serving underhanded, ethically wrong motivation. I KNOW that.

  9. whabs, oh there is no doubt that she will surface again. Did you see her presser? She was NOT giving that thing voluntarily. We have not seen the end of this saga–or her.

  10. 1) If you don’t like your body, Minna, that makes one of us. I’ll be more than happy to keep telling you I disagree.

    2) At the same time, I understand, because I have a bit of the same thing. It’s not at all on the same level, since I can manage to avoid thinking about my body most of the time. When I do look at it, though, I’m distressed that it’s not supposed to look like that.

    3) I met my now ex-wife when O worked at a comic book and game store. She was a regular customer, who was kind of dating one of the other employees. I had a check from my mother to go to dinner somewhere, and she overheard me complaining to someone that I didn’t have anyone to take. She loudly volunteered. I wasn’t expecting anything long term, since she was kind of dating a friend. That was reinforced when she told me that she was also engaged to someone out of state.

    So, it kind of surprised me when she aggressively kissed me after that first dinner together, though I (almost literally) fought her off. It just didn’t seem like the right thing to do. When she kept coming after me, I gave in, figuring that her engagement was doomed no matter what I did. After that, we ended up dating for about five years, then we were married for ten, then she walked out without ever giving an explanation.

    I guess that doesn’t count as a sweet story, but it’s all I have.

  11. Michael, you had fifteen years with her, and the meeting sounds quirky and interesting, so it counts as a sweet beginning. How about that?