She’s So Hot

Rubens_Venus_at_a_Mirror_c1615Today, there was a shooting near Pittsburgh.  I was gonna write about the rightwing, antisocial, white male gun nut who shot up an aerobics class full of women before allegedly killing himself and how even liberal guys seemed to sympathize with him to some extent, but I’m still too upset about it to be at least minimally-coherent, so I’m going in a different direction.  It’s tangentially-related, but I would still talk about it even if it didn’t relate to the aforementioned incident at all.

Whabs, who is on my blogroll to the left of here (and down a bit) posted a marvelous blog entry today.  You can read it here.   It’s about women’s bodies and how they are perceived.  It’s about what makes a woman hot or not–and by whose standards.  It’s about how every woman is judged by her looks, no matter what her other talents and accomplishments.  I am doing a poor job of summing up the blog entry, so go read it already.  I’ll wait.

Back?  Ok.  Now for my riff on it.  As you all know by now, I have a complicated relationship with my body.  I am uncomfortably aware of how round it is and how much I don’t like it.  However, I see pictures of April Flores, and I’m turned on by how lush and sexy she is.  I would love to get lost in her curves and never find my way back out again.

This is Barbara Brickner.  She is a plus-sized model.  She is also fucking hot.  She is clearly at ease with her body, and I would be at ease with her body as well.

Toccara Jones? A major hottie.  When I look at her sweetly rounded body, I just want to sample her flesh.

Personally, my female type is more androgynous-looking women, but I love looking at full-figured women.  They are so fertile and ripe and waiting to be plucked.

When I looked at whabs’ montage, I was struck by how beautiful each woman was.  Well, ok, not each one (ew, Pam Anderson), but most of them.  In fact, I found the non-famous women to be more beautiful than the famous ones–except for kd lang.  I love her, and I am totally jealous that whabs got kissed by her.  However, looking at all the different faces and bodies drove home a point–women are beautiful in general.  In addition, what is even more beautiful is self-confidence.  I know this intellectually, but it’s a whole different matter in my heart.

I don’t know a single woman who would not change something of her body.  It may be something as little as smaller hands to something bigger such as, oh, everything.  If I were going to take an inventory from head to toe, it would go something like this:

  1. Hair–I like it.  Leave it alone.
  2. Forehead–less wrinkles, please.
  3. Eyes–wider.
  4. Nose–eh.
  5. Mouth–a tad bigger.
  6. Cheeks–thinner.
  7. Upper arms–more toned (can actually do that!).
  8. Boobs–smaller by far.
  9. Stomach–concaved, please.
  10. Hips–trim off a couple of inches.
  11. Ass–I need a little more junk in my trunk.
  12. Thighs–less, please.
  13. Calves–thinner.
  14. Feet–thinner.

That’s just the short list!  As I’ve said, I don’t look in the mirror very often because I don’t like what I see.

It doesn’t help with my mom here because she’s a mixture of obsessive weight-watching and going out to eat rich, fattening, but oh-so-yummy food.  She is tiny, but obsessed with her stomach.  Hey, at least I come by my disorders honestly.

I hate the fact that the easiest way to cut down a woman is still to comment on her looks.  It’s so fucking frustrating to me that after all the strives I’ve been making, I’m still so caught up in something so ultimately meaningless.  I’m not talking about health because I could give a flying fuck about my health.  If someone said, “Hey, take this pill.  It’s guaranteed to take off fifty pounds.  We’re not sure of the side effects, but we’re pretty sure it won’t kill you,” I probably would take it.

It pains me to watch my mom get caught up in the same rationalization that I do myself.  All the health shit she spouts at me sounds plausible, even though it’s not.  It’s been shown that as you grow older, it’s best to gain ten pounds a decade.  Now, I’m sure this varies from person to person, but the main point is, thinner is not better for older people.  So, for all my mom’s protestations to the contrary, she is obsessed with the mythical last five pounds for strictly cosmetic reasons–and, perhaps psychological ones.

I grieve over all the energy spent by women (and men, but I’m talking about women right now) in order to whittle themselves away.  Themselves?  Me, too!  Let me as clear as possible.  This has nothing to do with my health.  I don’t particularly care about that right now.  This is about looks.  I want to look like this–with most of my heart.  Even though I am not remotely attracted to her, nor do I find her particularly attractive, I want to look like her, nonetheless.

How fucked up is that?  Very fucked up.  It discourages me that I can be so fucking smart in other areas, but not in this one.  I wish I knew how to disengage from this vicious cycle.  I don’t.  It’s maddening to someone like me that I cannot get a grip on my disordered thinking around this issue.  I so want to just give in and starve myself again.

It’s madness.  As I have said before, I feel much more sexual when I’m heavier.  However, I feel sexier when I’m thin.  Therein lies the dichotomy.  I want sex more when I’m heavier, but I feel like I’m more desirable when I’m thin.

I think another reason I am panicking over this now is because I’m unleashing my inner hedonist.  She is voluptuous, ravenous, raunchy, lewd, lusty, and unabashedly raw.  Being heavier too closely mimics my inner hedonist, and I am not quite comfortable with inhabiting her body (no pun intended), not just yet.  I still feel like it’s a dangerous thing to be openly sexual in our crazy, mixed-up, fucked-up, repressed society–especially for a woman.

The guy who shot up the LA Fitness near Pittsburgh objectified women.  In his online journal, he talked about all the Hot Young Things he wanted to fuck, and yet, he hadn’t had sex in 19 years (he was 48).  His mom was a Bully (capital B), and his sister was a victim.  He did this with the men in his life, too (labeled them, I mean), but his vitriol was saved for women.  Evil women with our tempting bodies.  It was our fault that he couldn’t get laid.  We drove him to killing three women, wounding nine others, before allegedly turning the gun against himself.

There is a tie-in.  This shooting and the aftermath reminds me that there are still plenty of guys (not men.  Thanks, Gregory, for explaining the difference between the two for me) who believe that women exist to please them.  We should mold ourselves into what they want, and we should never, ever reject them.  We are not real people to guys like these–we are just repositories for their semen.  See, it was our fault that this guy felt so bitterly rejected and alone.  Wave aside that he was a rightwingnutterracistmuthafucker.  No, if only one woman would have given him the time of day, he wouldn’t have been forced to shoot up the aerobics class in his local LA Fitness.

Stupid, right?  Yes, but still an insidious belief that permeates our society.  Just as many guys feel comfortable telling the women in their lives how they (the women) should look.   In my first year at college (when I was drowning in my disordered eating and thinking), I dated a guy who had a beer gut.  It didn’t bother him, and it certainly didn’t bother me.  However, one day, he casually said to me, “I could never date a fat chick.”  It made a big impression on me (especially as I was lightheaded from only eating fucking oyster crackers twice a day), and I never thought to question the fact that he sat there with his gut hanging over his jeans telling me this.

So.  I am going to try my damnedest not to give in to that particular voice again.  I am not going to try to whittle myself down to a size zero.  I am not going to hate my body–not when she’s done so much for me this far.  As much as I abuse her, she keeps chugging on.  I am going to embrace how unabashedly lush my flesh is, and I am going to unleash my inner hedonist to show me the way out of my self-negation.  If anyone can do it, she can.

10 Responses to She’s So Hot

  1. Thanks for the shout, Minna, but I can’t take credit for it. I just passed on wisdom that the fabulous Lili Taylor spoke in Say Anything….

    From my experience, I’d say Mr. Beer Gut probably missed out. Too bad for him.

    As for the stinking murder who shot up that aerobics class, feeling lonely and socially inept is one thing. Picking up a gun and taking it to do murder because of it is something else. That isn’t an impulse that deserves the slightest amount of sympathy. You heard some of the same things about that kid who went on the rampage at Virginia Tech. As you said elsewhere, it isn’t womens’ job to give creepy guys a sympathy fsck so they won’t murder them. It’s guys job to be at least minimally socially acceptable. If I could pull it off, it must be possible.

    It pains me to see you struggling with these impulses, but I’m glad you’re trying not to give in. Has there ever been a good love song around the theme of, say, “you’d be perfect if you only had bigger boobs?” Nah…instead there’s INXS’s “Don’t Change.” Billy Joel may have divorced the woman for whom he wrote “Just the Way You Are,” but that just lets Barry White own it. I wanna be Barry White when I grow up, and that dude would never have said in that thunderous bass voice, “Hey baby, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah, could you just lose ten pounds for me? Yeahhhhh that’s right.”

    Never happen. If he wouldn’t say it, why should you?

  2. You say:
    There is a tie-in. This shooting and the aftermath reminds me that there are still plenty of guys (not men. Thanks, Gregory, for explaining the difference between the two for me) who believe that women exist to please them. We should mold ourselves into what they want, and we should never, ever reject them. We are not real people to guys like these–we are just repositories for their semen. See, it was our fault that this guy felt so bitterly rejected and alone. Wave aside that he was a rightwingnutterracistmuthafucker. No, if only one woman would have given him the time of day, he wouldn’t have been forced to shoot up the aerobics class in his local LA Fitness.
    You summed up my emotion on that quite well. Do you know how many times I have referred to myself as a generic leg humping post (guys who can’t remember a name and call ALL women babe, honey and sweetie)?
    Sometimes when I see HOW different our perceptions can be as men and women, and the fact we are “supposed” to connect and communicate at all seems like one big, huge cosmic joke.

  3. Gregory, yes, but you were the one who brought it to my attention, so thank you for that. As you know, I think you are not a good indicator of creepy guys becoming less creepy (because you’re not creepy in the first place).

    Heh. You made me laugh with your rewritten songs. My best friend’s hubby once said to her, after she fretted about whether a pair of shoes made her feet look big, (with his trademark sarcasm), “A guy has never looked at a woman and said, “She’s hot, but god, those shoes make her feet look huge!””

    It helps to hear a man’s perspective, but unfortunately, the voice in my head is so damn hard to ignore.

    whabs, the thing that disturbed me the most is how many “regular guys”, liberal guys, even, excused this asshole’s behavior to some extent. It’s the burden of women to prop up frail male egos.

    Fuck that shit! Yeah, guys sometimes suck, but there are a few good men out there. Sadly though, not enough–not yet.

  4. I was saving this for in person, but I won’t see you now for over TWO WEEKS! 🙁 So-

    Compared to your post from even a few weeks ago, this seems very positive. You are starting to embrace the idea that you may not have the ‘conventional’ beauty of someone touted by the mainstream, but that you do have a beauty all your own. It makes me smile 🙂

    When a guy assesses a woman like that, I agree that it’s a sign of his blindness to that woman as a person. He may as well be describing a car. Some guys like that are poor in spirit, because they’ve never been able to have a healthy relationship with a woman as a person. Some are projecting their own version of a dysfunctional relationship with their own body image. And some guys are insecure/immature, and think that only a conventionally beautiful woman at their side will make others accept them as successful/sexy. All of these attitudes are unhealthy; none are about YOU specifically.

    Of course you would like to look like the socially idealized woman. Sometimes so would I: I’d like a stronger chin, better skin, less body hair, maybe even bigger boobs.

    But the women you find beautiful (like April Flores), are beautiful to you because they demonstrate the confident ideal of what YOU can actually be without having to hurt yourself. They are living proof that self confidence, and expressing that confidence outwardly, is truly and sustainably sexy.

    If you think that battle to feel confident and beautiful in your skin is too much to deal with, I say: You’re not alone. Literally. You have a small army of people willing to come forward and cheer you on to see the beautiful, sexy, confident woman in the mirror. And what’s awesome is that you’ve already started on that path! You’re doing it!

  5. Choolie, thank you. Part of the problem for me is that as I inch my way forward on any issue, the demon yells in my ear to give up because I will never make it…whatever it is. It’s exhausting because every time I get better (whatever that entails), I know a backlash is juuuuust around the corner. As it is now.

    Beer gut: Oh, hell, yeah, he was messed up. It’s too bad I absorbed that comment into my bloodstream and gave it such credence.

    It frustrates me that with all my brains, I can’t MAKE myself accept my body as is. It’s doubly frustrating that I can lust after April Flores while wanting to look more like Kate Moss (cocaine-snorting Kate Moss, to boot). When I feel on like I did at your party, it’s hard to beat me for sexy confidence. When I feel off as I do right now, well, then the opposite is true as well.

    If I make it, it will be with the help of my friends such as you and whabs and Gregory.

  6. Yes you will win! That demon is going to get weaker every time you don’t succumb. And we have ALL absorbed the hateful and abusive criticisms of others in our young lives. I’m hoping I live long enough to overcome those dead ends. I wish the same to you as well.

  7. Choolie, then we will do this together. You are a vibrant, lovely woman who DESERVES the love and goodness you have in your life. I will keep reminding you of that, and you will continue to support me, too. The demon, she fears the friends in my life because she knows that I, along with y’all can kick her ass back to Hades!

  8. A female classmate from my BaGua class nicknamed us “The Deadly Bitches.” I hereby nominate you to be in the club. Deadly Bitches, destroying all of our respective demons!

  9. Choolie, most excellent. I can think of a few strong women who would make a welcome addition to the club as well.