The Thread, It is Open

I’m packed except what can’t be packed until tomorrow morning.  I have my cell phone unlocked for international calls.  I have my toiletries and earrings packed.  Oh.  Forgot the feminine protection in case.  Will have to toss that in.  And one more pair of shoes.  I got all the clothes packed in approximately half an hour because I work well under pressure.  I just have to do some light cleaning so Natasha doesn’t pass out when she comes over to take care of my boys.

Speaking of the boys, I was taking a nap with Raven last night on the couch.  I had a pillow over my head as I always do.  I was rudely awakened by a ka-thunk.  Shadow had launched himself off the arm of the couch onto the pillow–which was smack dab on my nose.   I think he might have been trying to help me miss my plane by smothering me in my sleep.  He didn’t succeed, but he gave me one hell of a start.

A deadly calm has fallen over me–and I do mean deadly.  Numb.  I can feel the real me slipping away from my skin.  She’s not totally gone because I don’t seem able to do that any longer–but she’s making her escape.

Resignation has settled over me.  I didn’t back out in time, so this is what I have to do.

I fucking hate this.  Somewhere in the remote fibers of my being, I wonder if I’ll make it back.  The last time the real me took a break from reality, she disappeared for fifteen years, more or less.   I am afraid to think of what will happen if she leaves again.  It’s not so easy calling her back.

I’m using this as the open thread that whabs requested.  I will be boarding the plane around 12:30 tomorrow afternoon.  First flight is 13 hours.  Layover in Tokyo, and then 4 more hours to Taiwan.  I do not know when I will be able to check back in.

I just want to say, thank you all for your unwavering support, especially in the last few weeks.  I am truly lucky to have y’all in my life.

Edited to Add: It’s now a quarter to eleven.   I am starting to quietly freak  the fuck out.  The numbness isn’t complete, and I can hear a voice in my head saying, “You can’t do this.  You can’t.  You can’t.”  The sad thing is, I’m not sure if it’s a demon or the real me.  I can’t tell who’s who any more.

6 Responses to The Thread, It is Open

  1. Hold on tight to her, grrl! Write her down, so that she can find her way back to your skin.

    And goodgoodgoodgoodgoodgood luck…! hamsa a’lieych (I just protected you from the evil eye).

  2. Thinking of you. Your life was much different the last time. She will come back, and I’m looking forward to YOU coming back!

  3. That’s OK. You stood up for yourself already, so I’d say that you’re doing things differently right now.