I’m packed except what can’t be packed until tomorrow morning. I have my cell phone unlocked for international calls. I have my toiletries and earrings packed. Oh. Forgot the feminine protection in case. Will have to toss that in. And one more pair of shoes. I got all the clothes packed in approximately half an hour because I work well under pressure. I just have to do some light cleaning so Natasha doesn’t pass out when she comes over to take care of my boys.
Speaking of the boys, I was taking a nap with Raven last night on the couch. I had a pillow over my head as I always do. I was rudely awakened by a ka-thunk. Shadow had launched himself off the arm of the couch onto the pillow–which was smack dab on my nose. I think he might have been trying to help me miss my plane by smothering me in my sleep. He didn’t succeed, but he gave me one hell of a start.
A deadly calm has fallen over me–and I do mean deadly. Numb. I can feel the real me slipping away from my skin. She’s not totally gone because I don’t seem able to do that any longer–but she’s making her escape.
Resignation has settled over me. I didn’t back out in time, so this is what I have to do.
I fucking hate this. Somewhere in the remote fibers of my being, I wonder if I’ll make it back. The last time the real me took a break from reality, she disappeared for fifteen years, more or less. I am afraid to think of what will happen if she leaves again. It’s not so easy calling her back.
I’m using this as the open thread that whabs requested. I will be boarding the plane around 12:30 tomorrow afternoon. First flight is 13 hours. Layover in Tokyo, and then 4 more hours to Taiwan. I do not know when I will be able to check back in.
I just want to say, thank you all for your unwavering support, especially in the last few weeks. I am truly lucky to have y’all in my life.
Edited to Add: It’s now a quarter to eleven. I am starting to quietly freak the fuck out. The numbness isn’t complete, and I can hear a voice in my head saying, “You can’t do this. You can’t. You can’t.” The sad thing is, I’m not sure if it’s a demon or the real me. I can’t tell who’s who any more.