Stuff and Nonsense

Hello.  Man, it’s dusty around here.  Haven’t been to the place for awhile, have I?  I’ll tell you why:  I’ve been boring the shit out of myself with my angst, that’s why.   I mean, I hate listening to the chatter in my head 24/7, so I didn’t see any reason to inflict it upon my gentle readers.   What, I’m not fucking Ann Landers?  Oh, all right.  Seriously, though.  My shit was old.  No reason to write about it yet again.  So, silence.  But, now I have something to say, so I’m back.  Grab your favorite beverage, sit in your comfiest chair, settle an animal on you lap, and read on.

So.  ScriptFrenzy has officially started.  I have the screenplay written in my head and ready to go.  Except, I had a therapy session today.  When I laid out my things I need to do (in rough format), I included ScriptFrenzy.  My therapist asked me why I was doing it.  In other words, was I just using it as another reason not to do the things I NEED to do?  I wanted to protest, but I had to check myself.  I thought about what she had said, and I realized that she had hit on something.

Doing Scriptfrenzy is something I want to do because it’s creative and gets my juices flowing, yes.  However, I tend to get obsessive about these things (shut up!) to the detriment of other things around me.  It’s like dieting.  I have good reasons for wanting to lose weight (health, for one), but I know that a large part of it is to avoid doing what I need to do and to feed my ED self.  By the way, fifteen pounds down and three inches off my waist in two months.  My second month wasn’t as good as my first, but I’m cutting myself some slack here.

Anyway, the goal of Scriptfrenzy is to write 100 pages in 30 days.  Last year, with my script The Year of Seven Penises (which turned out to be two and a half penii instead), I wrote roughly 150 pages.   The year before, I wrote over 225 pages.  In other words, I take their suggestion as a starting ground and run with it.

My therapist asked if I could afford to take two hours a day for Scriptfrenzy.  She said at the end of the month, am I going to have my script and nothing else to show for the month?  You know what?  It was entirely possible that I would have a kick-ass script, but nothing else to show for the month of April.  And that would fucking suck.  So, we did some EFT, and I came up with an idea.  I have three things I want to do every day.  I want to spend an hour looking for a job, spend an hour cleaning up the house, and spend an hour exercising (or two).  Initially, I had submitting pieces to literary magazines, but if I’m going to do Scriptfrenzy, then I can give myself a little leeway on submitting.

So.  Here is my plan.  If I do the three things I need to do every day, then I can work on Scriptfrenzy at night (my most creative time, anyway).  And, it’s not a punitive thing, but a “I get to do it” thing.

One other thing to come out of my therapy session was that in my family, there is no right decision.   Many years ago, my best friend separated from her hubby.  She was agonizing about what to do when her mother said to her, “You’ll be fine if you stay with him, and you’ll be fine if you leave him.”  That was her family ethos in a nutshell–there was no wrong decision.  I replied at the time, and it’s true today, my mother would have said, “You will not be fine with him, and you will not be fine without him.”  That, my friends, is my family ethos in a nutshell.  There is no right decision–only wrong and wronger.  No wonder I can be paralyzed at times.  If subconsciously, I think any decision I make is going to be a wrong one, how can I force myself to make said decision?

This is where Taiji enters the picture.  I mentioned to my therapist that Taiji class is the one place where I feel it’s ok to make mistakes, in a large part because Julie is so nurturing.  I have a classmate who berates herself when she makes a mistake.  Julie smiles and says, “It’s ok.  You’ll have plenty of opportunities to do that posture again.”  I have been taking classes from her for nearly two years, and I just recently realized I was moving my foot on the wrong count for one posture.  Now that I recognized my mistake, I do it correctly almost every time.  I had been doing this posture wrong for nearly two years, but it wasn’t set in stone.  I could correct the mistake.  I might make it again, but I did it less frequently with more repetition.

That was the corollary to the family motto of there is no right decision:  There is no way to correct a bad decision.   I am slowly learning that not only is it ok to make mistakes, I can fix said mistakes.  More family ethos:  We are not like others; we do not make mistakes.  Well, yeah, we do.  We’re human.  That’s what humans do.

I also realized that by setting limits, I actually was giving myself more freedom.  WTF, you say?  Huh?  Let me explain.  There were no boundaries in my family as I grew up.  Part of that is Asian culture, and part of that is the weirdness that is my family.  So, I became enmeshed with my mother.  In college, I nearly drove myself crazy trying to help a…friend for lack of better word with his issues.  He would come knocking at my door at one in the morning, and I would talk to him for hours.  My boyfriend at the time pointed out that I wasn’t doing anyone any favors with my behavior.  He said, “Minna, if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others.”  Trite, I know, but true.

My mom called earlier in the week.  I did not want to talk to her, so I didn’t answer the phone.  After she left a message, I thought, “I’ll talk to her next time.”  Not, “I will have to talk to her next time”, but “I will talk to her next time.”  She called tonight, and I actually offered her a few tidbits of information without her having to pry them from me.  There is room in limits, though that may seem contradictory.

So.  Back to my schedule.  When I leave it open-ended, I get nothing done because I either feel too overwhelmed to decide what to do, or I think, “Well, I have ALL this time.  I can get to it in an hour.”  Then, I waste away the day like I always do, and I have nothing to do but berate myself at the end of the day.

The other thing I found out in my therapy session today is that I have a logical loving voice in my head that can calm the chatter.  Yes, it’s soft right now, and no, I don’t pay it nearly enough attention, but it’s there.  It’s the voice that says, “Eh, you don’t want to go down that road” when I start thinking about fasting and exercising three hours a day.  I really need to cultivate it more.

So.  I will be doing Scriptfrenzy, sort of.  I am going to try to not be obsessive about it and not use it as an avoidance tactic.  I’ll let you know how I do.

2 Responses to Stuff and Nonsense

  1. What if you wrote a script with that voice as the lead character? Your demons want a voice? Fine. Let them have it on paper, where YOU get to edit what is said and how you react to it. Bend the negativity into something productive instead of a destructive force in your life.

    And I know one thing that is absolutely set in stone, penned in indelible ink on your April calendar. A flight from MSP to RDU. =)

  2. Kel, I think it would work better as fiction, and I am all over it. I was going to write another entry about how I’m tweaking my schedule, but screw that. I am currently in turmoil. Ugh.

    Two weeks, BAY-BEEEEE! Cannot wait!