Now, I know that I have some male readers. I don’t want you to feel left out because I’ve been posting for mah ladies lately. To that end, I have a special post just for you today. Do you all feel flattered and special? Good. Let’s get started.
As you know, I have been in the mood to date and/or have sex with men lately. I would welcome a woman or two along the way, but my focus right now is on the male-gendered folk. Here’s the thing. I like being friends with guys and I like having sex with guys. I do not like dating guys. Why? Because I prefer to not have to chit chat about favorite colors (black), food (chocolate), movies (The Station Agent, Japanese Story, Snow Cake, Big Eden), books (too many to name), music (The Saw Doctors, Lowen & Navarro), or reality television show (none). I can do it; I just have no interest in it.
When I date someone, I want to know, how will your body feel pressed against mine? Will you take me dancing, and will you smile when I get hit on by other people? I want to know what your passion is. Are you an artist? A musician? A writer? A performer? I want to know what consumes you when you’re not at your day job (unless your passion is your day job, which is doubly cool). I want to see what your aura says about you and feel what vibes you emit.
I want you to be as interested in me as I am in you. I want you to listen when I talk, and I want you to ask questions that show you are listening.
I want to know what you think we can do to fix our current healthcare crisis. I want to know the last time you laughed so hard, your sides hurt. I want to know your secret dreams and your secret fears, and it’s even more fascinating if they are one and the same. I want to walk along the Stone Arch Bridge so we can kiss on my favorite piece of Minnesota architecture. Plus, the view from there is damn romantic.
Ahem. So, I can hear you saying, “That’s all fine and dandy, Minna, but where the fuck do I come in?” Just simmer down now, and I’ll tell you.
I haven’t dated in a long time. Actually, I really haven’t dated much at all. I’m usually friends with someone before we hook up, so I can bypass the whole awkward getting to know you phase. Or, I just have sex with the person, and there’s not much talking done at all.
But the middle ground, ah, the middle ground. It’s an enigma to me. I mean, I am a friendly person. Some say that I flirt (I would disagree, but hey, what can I say). So, it’s not as if I can’t do the chit-chat thing. I.just.don’t.want.to.
This is where you come in, fellahs. See, I need to know a good way to meet men (not guys). Here are some of the criteria: In the same general intelligence range as am I. Funny as hell. Very high sex drive. Passionate about something, preferably something in the arts. Witty, progressive (VERY important), and able to stand getting beaten by me in sports or any other game we play. This is important as well.
Where do I meet them? I have done the personal things (admittedly more for sex than for dating), and it’s not my cup of tea. I am thinking theatre, art stuff, gigs, and such. I mean, duh, right? The question is, what do I do then?
Guys, tell me the truth: Are you flattered when a woman approaches you and asks you out, or are you put off by it? When I lived in the Bay Area, I had a housemate who said he would be turned off if a woman asked him out. As he said, “If I like her, I’ll ask her out.” Which is fine and dandy for him, but not so much for the woman waiting by the phone. I have never been much of a Rules grrl, and I would HATE to date a guy who wanted a Rules girl.
So, if you were at your favorite, say, museum, and a woman approached you to ask you out, what should she say? I mean, if she said, “I think you’re attractive, would you like to get a cup of coffee,” are you more likely to say yes than if she said, “I think you’re attractive, would you like to go back to my place?”
I have heard mixed reviews on the direct approach, so I would appreciate some honest feedback.
In addition, I would like to know how guys truly feel about a woman who sleeps with you on the first date. Would you see it as a sign that she was a woman confident in her sexuality, or would you think she was a slut? Would you be happy she slept with you, but disinclined to go out with her again?
Inquiring minds want to know. I want to know!
It’s not going to change my own behavior, obviously, but I am curious to hear from my male readers. I get the feeling that many guys still believe, however subconsciously, in the madonna/whore syndrome. In other words, while many guys profess desire for women to be more sexually free, more than one freak out when they actually run across a woman who is.
So. This is my question. I want to meet someone (s) with whom I can go out, have fun, laugh a ton, have sex with, and then I want to leave and go home to sleep in my own bed. I am flexible about dating some people without having sex with them and vice-versa. I don’t expect to find everything I want in one person. My mom is leaving in a month, so I will start Operation Sex/Date-a-Lot once she’s gone. I am not ashamed of my hedonism, and I feel very little guilt about it any more. How realistic is it for me to meet men who will understand, appreciate, and support my true nature?
I look forward to reading your answers.
Hmmm. Conundrum and I am certainly not the one this question is directed at. But how about signing up for a class? In literature or art history? Art galleries and openings are a no as they attract the pretentious. I would say the same about actors, but maybe I’m wrong. A cooking class? Could attract interesting men. And what about through friends?
Your best bet might be activities that you’re interested in (especially those involving the arts) — that way you’d be meeting people you at least have something in common with.
Although I haven’t had much experience with dating lately, I always thought it was cool when women asked me out. Unless the chemistry is explosive and crackling, I’d encourage you to go the coffee route first (especially if you might be open to relationships that are more than just sexual).
As for sex on the first date, it depends. If the relationship is going to be all about sex, go for it. If you have a real connection with the person, then be a little more careful (and maybe slow down a little) so you don’t cut off the other stuff and make the relationship purely about sex.
(And yeah, some guys will figure that once they’ve gotten sex, there’s no reason to call you again, but it doesn’t sound like those are the guys you want anyway.)
Sadly, my advice for singles is at least 11 years out of date. But I’d echo those who recommend taking a class. If you go where smart people hang out, they will come.
I never had a problem with women approaching me. Though sometimes my friends did. And my girlfriends almost always did.
The line I most remember was “Oh, you have a hairy chest! I love chest hair!” But that probably isn’t appropriate for the museum scene, so a comment on whatever you’re both looking at might be better. (That puts the ball in *their* court to say something charming, trenchant or insightful — or even to bother.)
As for sex on the first date, I vaguely recall approving. Muchly.
Also, Minna, when you’re approaching women you probably shouldn’t use Gregory’s line about chest hair. Just saying.
I didn’t say she should use it; she asked if we guys liked being approached. I liked that approach.
Jamie, you may have a guy’s name, but you’re ALL woman. I have to agree, though, that classes/events are a good thing to do.
Alex, thank you for your insight. I have similar thoughts on the sex on the first date in a relationship vs. just a sex thang. I know from experience that sex can takeover a relationship.
P.S. Funny about not using Gregory’s line on women.
Gregory, ha. You made me laugh. So I hear you saying be subtle, but suggestive. I think I can manage that.
To all of you: You are, of course, correct that getting out and doing things that interest me is a great way to meet people. Now, I just have to take your words of wisdom to heart and follow your advice. Wish me luck because I really do not like meeting new people. Yes, I know if I don’t meet them, I can’t date them, but it’s still not my favorite thing to do.
Ahem – okay. Like Greg, I’ve been hitched a while now, so I’m probably pretty rusty at dating. First off, never had a problem being approached, as long as it’s sincere. I’ve always had a disdain for indirectness, so I always appreciated a woman who just told me what she wanted rather than fuck with my emotions for eight months before dropping me like a wet noodle. (Hm – that came off a lot more bitter than I intended…)
I’ll echo the museum advice. Bookstores are cliched, but at least you can garner an impression by the books they’re browsing / reading. Plus, it’s damn easy to find an opening (‘Hey, I read that…wanna go get horizontal?’)
I have no problem with sex on the first date, personally. As long as everyone’s on the same page why wait? I was in one relationship with a girl in my early 20’s which consisted almost entirely of eating and intercourse (not usually at the same time, though…). That was some of the most fun I’ve ever had, dating-wise.
Finally – I’ve always preferred women I could *hang out* with. I can’t speak for other men, but overly feminine women usually just drive me up the wall. If I can’t tell you dirty jokes or fart in your presence we’ve got a problem. That’s not so say I’m without social graces (at least I don’t *think* so), but prissyness just makes my skin crawl. Life’s too short – gotta let your freak flag fly.
I’m not sure if that’s helpful, but those are my feelings on the subject.
“Minnesota architecture” – well, pretty pedistrian compared to Wisconsin.
Men are predominantly dogs, and that’s a compliment. I don’t know how old you are, but above 30-something, asking a guy out is still pretty contra-gender and always a surprising event. I’ve never heard a guy complain. Given that I’ve never had a clue why women would find me attractive and do this, it’s something that has always been an ego stoke whether I found the woman physically attractive or not.
Now, the method matters. If you walk across a sweaty dance floor and grab a guy by his chest hair, well, that appears to be pretty common in today’s youts. As is sex on a first date. It’s all just sex and hormones. Where to meet the guy versed in Schopenhauer, proper angst on healthcare reform, and the stamina of a porn star? Well, pretty high expectations. But any “real” man with those qualities is not going to freak out and hide under mom’s skirt when a “real” woman digs him.
Given political interests, Drinking Liberally would be start. The guys who are just socially drinking and not drunken dems will be fit and will stand out. Intellectually, becoming a volunteer/docent for the symphony, museum or art gallery would let you scope out a higher-class clientele. Auditing a class on something arcane – walk around the campus and look in the class rooms, see if there is something there that attracts you.
Alex M., so you’re saying, be down-to-earth, be friendly, be honest, and go out and meet some damn people? I think I can do all but the last one!
P.S. Welcome to my blog! It’s awesome to see you posting here.
Steve, welcome to my blog. I am happy that you decided to drop by and comment. I’m thirty-eight, by the way. Yes, I was raised in the “sit by the phone and wait” era, but I try not to play by the rules.
Ooooh, thanks for the suggestion of Drinking Liberally. Mixing drinks and politics (pun semi-intended) sounds like a win-win situation all around.