Staring Down the Abyss

ETA: Pics from Day Seven, Part A.  Bro hasn’t posted the Part B album yet.

Today, we went to Hualien, a beautiful city in the…east of Taiwan.   It was a two-and-a-half hour train ride from Taipei.  We arrived in time to browse in the shops a bit where I found a bunch of painted cat figurines with their tails straight in the air.  I didn’t see a black one on one side, but I thought I saw a black one on the other side.  I went over there, and I did see a black cat (with white flowers painted on him) with his tail sticking straight up in the air.  He’s my animal guide for the day, along with the two pure black dogs I saw later on in the day.   After the shops, we went on a tour of Taroko National Park at 1:30 p.m.  It’s famous for its gorge (called, naturally, Taroko Gorge), which I had been to before.  The gorge is breathtaking (I will post pics when my brother gets them online), and I didn’t mind seeing it again.  I was just worried that it would be a four-hour walking tour, but it was a van tour with a little bit of walking.  Well, about an hour’s worth of walking when it was all said and done.  There were dark tunnels that I liked (until other people came in them), but I had a hard time making sure my dad wasn’t behind me.  Once or twice, he managed to get right behind me without me knowing it, and it freaked me out every time.  I had to sit on the same seat in the van as he did, and I had to grapple with flashbacks for part of the trip (of him forcing me to give him head).   I was in tears for part of the tour, and fortunately, I was able to wear my sunglasses for most of the tour.

One of the Taiwanese Barbie Dolls was in the van with us–with her boyfriend.  Many of the women we saw touring the gorge were wearing mini skirts, tights, and high-heels/knee-high boots.  The one in our van had the twelve-year old voice and the carefully made-up, blank face thing going on.  She was very cute, but here is the thing–her boyfriend was homely, slovenly, and just…not very interesting.  In other words, the women have to put in all this effort to be cute and sexy (while still maintaining a childlike innocence) and all that shit while the guys don’t put in any effort at all in their appearances.  So, while I was still envious of the teeny-tiny bodies of the Taiwanese Barbie Dolls, I also felt a sliver of  pity for them.  They are forced to remain in an infantilized state for much of their young lives–at least until they marry.

Anyway, we were staring down at the gorge, and I realized that this was the very place where I almost died seventeen years ago.  When I was doing my semester in Asia in my senior year of college, we went to Taiwan for three weeks before going to Thailand.  We were staying by the gorge, and one day, some of the other girls and I decided to splash around in the gorge.  Some of the boys were splashing around somewhere else.  Now, we were not supposed to be doing this, but rules are meant to be broken.  Anyway, I am not a great swimmer.  I was splashing around when a current came and started carrying me away.  One of the other girls grabbed me by the arm and yanked me onto the shore.  If she hadn’t, I would have drowned.

Staring down at the gorge, I suddenly wondered if perhaps I was meant to die that day seventeen years ago.  Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be alive.  I had the urge to jump into the gorge and let her claim me for her own.  After all, I cheated her seventeen years ago, so maybe it was time for me to pay.  I restrained myself from jumping, but I imagined launching myself into the air, and then–peace.

Later on, we were walking on a suspension bridge over the gorge, and it was all I could do not to jump over the side.

Later later on, we went to the ocean shore.  I picked up two rocks (black, of course) and then walked toward the ocean.  There was no pesky stand-behind-the-red-line warning, so I kept walking until I was near the edge.  I stared at the waves as they crashed closer and closer to me.  The ocean is so majestic and powerful, and she was calling my name.  I was maybe ten feet from the ocean.  Three long strides, and I would have been swallowed up by her.  Again, the siren song was playing so sweetly, and it took all I had not to respond.

The longer I am here, the more suicidal I become.  My mom was talking to me about my life, and she asked, “You wouldn’t consider a job in Taiwan, by any chance, would you?”  I politely said no, but my mind was screaming, “FUCK NO!”  It would kill me to live here.

I have to say, though, the hotel here in Hualien is very nice.  The buffet dinner was excellent (and, yes, my brother did take pictures), and the service is exquisite.

After dinner, we were planning what we’re going to do tomorrow.  We had another tour planned, and my brother simply stated that he didn’t want to do it.  That was that.  My parents listened to him, whereas they would have argued with me.   It’s because he’s male and the oldest; I am female and the baby.

My niece wanted to go swimming tonight.  My mom had brought two extra swimsuits for my niece and me.  My mom is five-two and many many many pounds lighter than I am.  I said there was no way her suit would fit me.  She said it was from when she was chubby (making that arms bulking out gesture which is apparently universal for ‘fat-ass’) and that it was huge.  Um, OK.  I was already self-conscious about wearing a bathing suit, and that surely didn’t help.  Besides, I don’t swim very well, as I said earlier, so the last thing I wanted to do was put on a swimsuit, look like a beached whale, and get stared at even more.  Plus, the tats.  They are mostly covered now except for the one on my left forearm, but if I were to wear a bathing suit, three out of the four would be on display.

Besides, I needed my alone time.  So, I decided that I would take a page out of my brother’s book and just flatly state that I would be spending the night in my room with the internet to keep me company.  My father protested because we had planned to play ping-pong and pool (my bro, my dad, and I.  My dad had quit playing me once I could beat him on a regular basis, and tonight, he wanted to have a tournament to see which of us three was the best in ping-pong and in pool).  I said we could play tomorrow.  My brother backed me up, but my dad called me a chicken.  Whatever.

So.  I took a luxurious shower and washed my hair.  They have a cool contraption herein Taiwan for the showers.  The shower head can be held by hand, which makes it much easier to rinse off soap and such.  This hotel has unlimited hot water, AND I could throw the toilet paper in the toilet.  Most of the toilets have low-pressure flushing which necessitates throwing the toilet paper in the garbage.  In addition, as Westernized as most of Taiwan is, the prevalence of toilets are still squatting toilets.  Fortunately, most of the places we’ve visited have Western toilets as this is one thing I really really do not like (squatting toilets).

Anyway, I have the internet, and I have my solitude for the rest of the night.  It is enough for now.