I am finally back in MN. Right now, I am on my couch with two kittehs snoozing in my lap. I am drinking coffee, eating mini dark chocolate Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and just, in general, savoring my solitude and slothiness. Not a word, I know, but I don’t care.
My mom was laying on the guilt at the airport. She was talking about the plan for my brother’s family and me to return to Taiwan in five years. She was making my niece promise that she (my niece) would go, and then she turned to me. “Back in five years?” Me: “We’ll see.” That was as diplomatic as I could make my response. I really wanted to stuff my fingers in my ears, run screaming from the room, shouting, “No fucking way!”
Now, most people (especially most psychologists) would note my very set face and colorless voice and conclude that I was not very enthusiastic about the idea. But, this is not my mother’s way. Despite her professional background, my mother has an astonishing ability to not see or hear what she doesn’t like. Very determined filters has she. She followed up her question with this gem, “Your father and I are getting older. We don’t know how much longer we’ll be around.” And boom! She hooks me with her guilt bait.
For most people, five years is a long time away and the subject would not come up again. For my mother, it’s now set in stone. Once she latches on to an idea, it’s a fact (hey, I come by my CDO honestly). I would bet a large amount of money that she will mention it every time she sees me for the next five years. I would also make an educated guess that she will mention it when she calls, increasing the guilt factor each time.
As I have said before, there is no way in hell I will go back unless the family dynamics drastically change (and I lose that 100 pounds). I feel bad enough about myself already; I don’t need help in that area, thankyewverymuch.
Right before we walked through security, my mom told me that she enjoyed having me with them in Taiwan so much. All I could think was about how I was so fucking glad to be getting the hell out of Dodge, and, to be honest, to get away from my parents. Being in such close proximity with them underscores how devastating it was to grow up in this family. I couldn’t believe how quickly I regressed into complete self-loathing within days of being in Taiwan. I hated myself with an intensity I haven’t felt in years.
The thing is, I have a sinking feeling that I will give in to going back to Taiwan in five years because I don’t hold up well under pressure. Plus, I have been trained to believe that family is everything–even at the expense of self. No wonder I consider death a viable alternative. Sometimes, it seems like the only way to escape my familial duties. And yeah, it’s sad that being around my family for ten days straight is enough to drive me to contemplate killing myself, for many reasons.
Being with my parents makes me question myself about everything. I begin to wonder if I am invisible because they certainly don’t see me. The last night in Taiwan, we went to a street market. My parents asked three times if I wanted fried oysters, and I knew I would be eating them before the night was over. Five minutes later, I was eating fried oysters. Now, I like oysters, but I didn’t want them that night. However, with many things, it’s much easier to give in than to keep on fighting. I know that sooner or later, I will have to make a stand that is not pretty if I don’t want my self to be completely eradicated and eroded by my parents, and I am not looking forward to it.
I am not taken seriously in my family. I am dismissed as odd, bizarre, a freak, the baby, and unable to take care of myself. Do you know the first thing my dad said to me? Well, one of the first things, at any rate. “You look like you’ve lost weight.” Which was a crock of shit, but if I had, it was because I didn’t eat for about a week before gong to Taiwan (too upset and nervous).
And, when my mother said she enjoyed having me with her, I thought, “No, you enjoyed the veneer of me because you sure as hell don’t know the real me.” In addition, it’s hard to know what will upset and what won’t. I find myself reacting more than acting when I am with my family.
As for my niece, I realized something re: her picky eating habits. My brother is pretty authoritative and is pretty brusque when he talks. My niece will ask him something, and if it’s no, then it’s NO. No discussion, no nothing. My niece’s mother is a control freak. In fact, they kinda remind me of MY parents. How did I respond to having no personal control? By controlling my food. I became anorexic and bulimic, and I wonder if my niece is doing somewhat of the same thing. I mean, we jumped through hoops to get her food she would eat on this trip. It was the only time she ever had any control or say in a matter. And, more than just a little bit of attention. She was very good at going with us wherever we went without complaining. It was only late at night when she would grumble a bit about all the walking, and even then, she didn’t throw a tantrum.
The other thing I noticed is that she was unwilling to state when she didn’t want to do something. In other words, when my mom asked her, “Do you want to go to the zoo?”, she would shrug her shoulders and say, “I don’t know.” When my mother asked if she wanted Subway, she said, “Eat fresh!” And then, “Yes.” My niece has learned, sadly, that to express disapproval is not acceptable.
I’m wiped out, sad, depressed, and pretty much done.
You know, I just can’t imagine that people can act like that and NOT know what they’re doing. I mean, even if they’re steeped in wishful thinking, they can still see what reactions their actions bring, can’t they? So if they see that and yet keep going along the same lines over and over and over, doesn’t it give you the feeling that they’re doing it kind of on purpose despite knowing how it affects you?
I know you’re not rude enough EVER to turn to desperate measures, but just in case you want some ideas, I’ve got them 🙂
For one, you can accept any gift gracefully, including expensive bracelets that you pointed out are too small for you or items you politely declined when first asked about, and then you stick them in a bag and carry them until you can stick them in your luggage at the hotel. If asked why you don’t use the gift, you answer simply and friendly that it’s too small/not your style but you didn’t want to make them lose face at the vendor’s. The considerate daughter, see?
The same goes for food. Let them buy any food they insist on buying after you politely decline one time. Then keep it untouched, and when asked why you’re not eating it, say simply and friendly that all those calories look better on the plate than on you.
Pressured to go to the pool or the zoo or wherever? Go along gracefully if they don’t accept your wish to stay behind or your need to rest your hurting feet, take a book along, and sit at the starting point and start reading. When asked what you’re doing, answer politely and friendly that you’re not up to the activity and would feel bad if they had to go too slow or cut the adventure short on your account.
What exactly could anybody bitch about when you’re so considerate and accommodating, I ask?
(Gawd, am I glad that you’re home!!!)
Iratwo, with my family, it truly is a matter of them simply not listening. As I have said, my father is a narcissist, and my mother is emotionally…greedy/needy/overbearing. For both of them, what they think is simply the way it is. I have known all my life that they firmly believe they know what I want and/or need, no matter how much protest I give to the contrary. My therapist and I talked about it in my last session. Part of it is boundary issues. As long as I keep giving in, my parents will never learn. On the privacy issue, they did learn a little bit after my epic tantrum.
I like your ideas. I don’t have to be rude, but it will get my point across. In essence, it’s actually what my therapist said to me: Keep enforcing boundaries until they listen.
I am glad to be back, too, but now I have too much time to think about all the things wrong with me and my life.
For most people, five years is a long time away and the subject would not come up again. For my mother, it’s now set in stone. Once she latches on to an idea, it’s a fact
It’s also a fact that she can’t make you go. Oh, yes, she can lay a guilt trip on you; she can impose costs on your decision not to go, or not to discuss it. But she isn’t going to sedate you, get you to the airport and put you on a plane. You’ll either decide to walk onto it yourself, or not. From everything you’ve said, I hope it’s not.
You said you’ve been trained to feel a certain way, but that does not mean you need to passively accept it. You have five years to train yourself, with help, to assert yourself to your family. And given what you said about then not seeing you, I can’t imagine why you shouldn’t make a point of it.
Gregory, oh I wish she would sedate me and try to drag me on the plane. Then, it wouldn’t be my fault!
Kidding aside, you are right, of course, that it is up to me whether I get on the plane or not. It’s up to me to withstand the increasing guilt and pressure that is sure to come my way as the time nears.
You know as well as I do that a lifetime of training is hard to overcome, even in five years. In addition, there’s the psychological difficulty of feeling as if it’ll be the final nail in the coffin (the illusion of family), and no matter how many problems I have with my family, it still tears me up inside to think of completely letting go of the illusion.
However, when it’s all said and done, you are right in that I am ultimately the one who will have to make the decision whether to get on that plane or not. As I have stated earlier, unless there are some drastic changes in the family dynamics in the next five years, I have to find the strength not to get on that damn plane.
This time back nearly killed me. I honestly don’t think I could survive another trip like this one.